Perhaps, he sensed an end. Perhaps the way it ought to end is when the wall was going to tumble down and there was never going to be a mirage. It was real. I was expressive. I wanted something, something more concrete, something that signified a real relationship, something resembled a life that I would like to live, one that he could not provide.
I think in those terms because I did not think he could love me and give me what I wanted. I did not believe that he would in the end give in and share a life that he had lived on his own with me.
I think that in the process of working out my angst, my frustration, he took notice and he needed to bail. I think he's leaving me for good this time because I had asked him to give me something more.
A less of fluctuated schedule. An unbroken promise, a real date, an afternoon date, a day date that did not involve sex, or just sex. I think he was sensing me closing in so he retreated, in his specific brand way, he disappeared.
The way we ended things. The way we parted ways. The way we left of things.
He did not make a promise to see me again other than soon. He said that I expected him to change, I wanted to shake things up, I wanted change. I was changing and he stayed the same.
How could I tell him that I wanted change, but him not changing was not going to affect me? How could I tell him that I love him no matter what? How could I explain the intense feelings I had for him never went away but I was scared of what laid ahead?
He said the two of us would need to come together. The way he gestured with his hands. His fingers. Two stick figures. How could I tell him that I did not need to "come" together, I would follow him wherever he went, as I knew I belonged to him?
Was I getting too close to him? Was I becoming too intense? Was I becoming demanding and clingy? Was I becoming this woman who had real emotions and was not afraid of showing it? Was I too much? Was I no longer his object of affection? He said that he was concerned of me changing, leaving. I wanted to tell him that I could never leave him. I loved him and I would love him until the day I die.
Yet I did not know how to love him. I did know what it meant to love him.
So I wondered about these things. I wondered as the clocked ticked. I wondered as the world changed its colors.
I wondered why I was still this in love with a man who gave so little. And I wondered to this date when and where all of this would end.
I think in those terms because I did not think he could love me and give me what I wanted. I did not believe that he would in the end give in and share a life that he had lived on his own with me.
I think that in the process of working out my angst, my frustration, he took notice and he needed to bail. I think he's leaving me for good this time because I had asked him to give me something more.
A less of fluctuated schedule. An unbroken promise, a real date, an afternoon date, a day date that did not involve sex, or just sex. I think he was sensing me closing in so he retreated, in his specific brand way, he disappeared.
The way we ended things. The way we parted ways. The way we left of things.
He did not make a promise to see me again other than soon. He said that I expected him to change, I wanted to shake things up, I wanted change. I was changing and he stayed the same.
How could I tell him that I wanted change, but him not changing was not going to affect me? How could I tell him that I love him no matter what? How could I explain the intense feelings I had for him never went away but I was scared of what laid ahead?
He said the two of us would need to come together. The way he gestured with his hands. His fingers. Two stick figures. How could I tell him that I did not need to "come" together, I would follow him wherever he went, as I knew I belonged to him?
Was I getting too close to him? Was I becoming too intense? Was I becoming demanding and clingy? Was I becoming this woman who had real emotions and was not afraid of showing it? Was I too much? Was I no longer his object of affection? He said that he was concerned of me changing, leaving. I wanted to tell him that I could never leave him. I loved him and I would love him until the day I die.
Yet I did not know how to love him. I did know what it meant to love him.
So I wondered about these things. I wondered as the clocked ticked. I wondered as the world changed its colors.
I wondered why I was still this in love with a man who gave so little. And I wondered to this date when and where all of this would end.
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