In therapy

I'm content. For a long time now I've been struggling with many aspects of my life, mostly related to relationships, and I'm finally content.

My therapist thinks that I have a lot of energy and that I tend to light up the room, and that if I want to maintain relationships I need to not be all so interesting but be more interested. That I should tailor my behavior with different people. Little does he know, I've already done that. I do it regularly, but I also need to feel that I can be myself.

I'm not myself when I'm with T. He takes good care of me but I think he is too quiet and subdued. N is very energetic like me but he's also very self centered and I don't feel the same sexual chemistry with N even though technically he's my type. T is not but I like his personality more. I get along better with subdued midwesterner who speaks very little. N and I can talk all night. He's like my best friend.

I used to think MB was the one. I loved him. I had never loved someone for that long. Then when I learned that he had another child with the same woman, and when I pressed about being introduced to his friends, he bulked. He was worried about hurting his children's mother's feelings. On the other hand, he has no idea how much he has hurt me by saying that, and he in fact has showed his hand. All those years that I believed that he loved me, instead, he loved others, certainly not me, he lied to keep me around, so in the end it became very anticlimactic, all those deception, for what, so that he could continue to get laid by me?

It felt so rather pitiful. After he returned from Vietnam, after I learned that he had another child, I lost my desire to be with him. It's not that I stopped loving him, it's that I stopped hoping. There was never a future with him. He chose not to be with me. Since then, I stopped seeing him as someone who I loved. I loved a version of him, I did not love him. He was never mine to begin with. There was nothing to fear. I never had a chance.

The therapist asked me if I was seeking and searching and I said, yes, I am searching. I wish, I wish so hard, one day a man will love me, and take care of me, and show both emotionally and physically he desired me. He then said, "what would you do if he is there what if you meet and find him?"

I looked at him, and I said, "I don't think I deserve to be loved. I don't believe anyone like that exists for me." He wrote down notes.

This is what remains to be true. I'm thoroughly, 100% heart broken. I stopped believing in love. I honestly believe no one would love me. T sometimes shows that he feels for me. Like he likes me more than just like. N is very dependent on me. But I don't believe they can love me. I don't believe anyone can love me.

I stopped dating. I don't want to date any more. I keep on getting propositions by men, but I think it's because they just want to have sex with me. I don't care for that.

So I stopped having sex with men all together.

I don't believe that a man who desired me, who loved me, who showed physically and emotionally that he was close to me, and who wanted to spend time with me, existed. I believe that my opportunity was gone. I had been cheated, and violated and hurt by MB and I loved him so much. So now there was never going to be a chance for me any more. If I tried so hard to will a different future and failed, what can happen now?

I remain positive with my life. But I have stopped hoping, searching and I have stopped my heart from bleeding.

All is well now you see.

All is well when your heart is permanently shut. 

going to bed

At half past ten, after we had taken our usual walk from Clement street back to his apartment, we went to bed.

It was easy to fall asleep with this man. He's very thin. He wraps his body around mine, he touches my hair, calls me names and then we go to bed.