Over exhaustion. Too much running. Too much beating my body up. No rest whatsoever. Upcoming work stuff. No easy way out.
A's departure was a good one. He was taxing on me.
C told me about his lady problems. I did not care about C so much these days. He's an non entity.
The only regular interaction I have is with N. He's a friend. We got along great. We sort of formed a bond that seemed more natural than any other bond I've formed. But not a sexual relationship. We liked each other. We bantered well. He was like A without the baggage.
I began to hang out with him a lot. It felt natural to be doing things together. I always needed people to do things with. I enjoyed friendship with men as much I did with women.
The more I spent time with N the more conflicted I felt about B. I felt that by comparison, B did not care enough about me to spend anytime with me in a substantial way. If he loved me he would have wanted to see me more. If he really cared about me, he would know that I desired an emotional connection as much as I did with a physical connection.
But I also did not care to see N more than I did now. I felt that I needed new people. New blood to feel alive. But I was also conflicted with my other priorities in my life that was keeping me busy and distracted.
It was nice to be rid of everyone but to keep B from a sexual perspective, but I could not depend on B. I did not think he wanted me anymore from time to time. I also did not think he loved me. The less time I spent with B, the less I felt that I mattered to him.
When I read Tiger Tiger I felt that I understood myself more, a survivor of a child sexual abuse, I knew why I was the way I was, but instead of telling B about it, I told N. I was profoundly disturbed by it, and I wished that someone close to me could hear me out, hold me so that I could cry, or just listened to my stories. N did not understand, but he said, "As a friend, I don't have a choice. I have to be there for you." N was the only guy friend I had now who understood me. I had to leave N for sometime to feel this out. I realized now that he was one of my closest friends for a reason. He was always there for me when I needed someone to talk to.
As for C, C would be there too. I felt that enough time had passed I could reconnect with C again.
I occasionally thought of E. E was someone I had been friends with and who I was physically involved with. But I couldn't deal with him for some time, because I got bored and I got tired.
Everyone tend to bore me, irritate me or annoy me.
Everyone did and would in the future.
After distancing myself from A, C and E, I noticed the only person who I liked to do things with was N, but he and I had never had any sexual chemistry, and it was because of it, that we got along great. But I knew I'd be bored or tired of N. I tend to get bored of people. It was just how I was a person.
So could I expect the same from B? Perhaps not, perhaps we failed as friends because he could not see me pass being a sexual object. In his fantasy, I existed only as his lover, and not his friend. And while one side of me felt satisfied, the other side of me hated him for not ever treating me as a friend.
A's departure was a good one. He was taxing on me.
C told me about his lady problems. I did not care about C so much these days. He's an non entity.
The only regular interaction I have is with N. He's a friend. We got along great. We sort of formed a bond that seemed more natural than any other bond I've formed. But not a sexual relationship. We liked each other. We bantered well. He was like A without the baggage.
I began to hang out with him a lot. It felt natural to be doing things together. I always needed people to do things with. I enjoyed friendship with men as much I did with women.
The more I spent time with N the more conflicted I felt about B. I felt that by comparison, B did not care enough about me to spend anytime with me in a substantial way. If he loved me he would have wanted to see me more. If he really cared about me, he would know that I desired an emotional connection as much as I did with a physical connection.
But I also did not care to see N more than I did now. I felt that I needed new people. New blood to feel alive. But I was also conflicted with my other priorities in my life that was keeping me busy and distracted.
It was nice to be rid of everyone but to keep B from a sexual perspective, but I could not depend on B. I did not think he wanted me anymore from time to time. I also did not think he loved me. The less time I spent with B, the less I felt that I mattered to him.
When I read Tiger Tiger I felt that I understood myself more, a survivor of a child sexual abuse, I knew why I was the way I was, but instead of telling B about it, I told N. I was profoundly disturbed by it, and I wished that someone close to me could hear me out, hold me so that I could cry, or just listened to my stories. N did not understand, but he said, "As a friend, I don't have a choice. I have to be there for you." N was the only guy friend I had now who understood me. I had to leave N for sometime to feel this out. I realized now that he was one of my closest friends for a reason. He was always there for me when I needed someone to talk to.
As for C, C would be there too. I felt that enough time had passed I could reconnect with C again.
I occasionally thought of E. E was someone I had been friends with and who I was physically involved with. But I couldn't deal with him for some time, because I got bored and I got tired.
Everyone tend to bore me, irritate me or annoy me.
Everyone did and would in the future.
After distancing myself from A, C and E, I noticed the only person who I liked to do things with was N, but he and I had never had any sexual chemistry, and it was because of it, that we got along great. But I knew I'd be bored or tired of N. I tend to get bored of people. It was just how I was a person.
So could I expect the same from B? Perhaps not, perhaps we failed as friends because he could not see me pass being a sexual object. In his fantasy, I existed only as his lover, and not his friend. And while one side of me felt satisfied, the other side of me hated him for not ever treating me as a friend.
No comments:
Post a Comment