Raining Day, recreational activities on hold

The Fantasy That Puts All Relationships at Risk

"This loss of identity is detrimental to sustaining romantic love. Our initial attractions are very much based on a sense of interest in; an intensity toward; and an attraction to a separate person. This combination of emotional, intellectual, and physical engagement is necessary to keep love alive. Yet we forego this excitement in favor of a safer arrangement in which we regard our partners as extensions of ourselves, instead of appreciating them for the autonomous individuals they are.

We do this because, although most of us say we want real love, many of us actually find it hard to tolerate. Real love threatens our defenses. It can feel uncertain and unsafe to care so deeply for someone else or to be seen in a different light than we’ve been seen or have come to see ourselves over the years."
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B's son is sick. Recreational activities are therefore on hold. I know what's like to be a parent with a sick child. I lived in the children's hospital for three years with my own son, who was rather sick for a long time. He was always on the brink of getting worse or better, and I often packed my overnighter bag to the hospital because I knew when he was in, he would not get out so easily. Consequently I did not have a life of my own for the first three years of his life. I did not have sex for nearly a decade when my children were born, and being a sexual being was such a foreign concept to me. I had no idea others were out there having sex or enjoying going out, I had nothing. I was just on a survival mode for a long time. Now that children were older and I no longer feel that I was so much tied to them, that I could finally have a life.

It was also clear that I loved B. With time my appreciation for him grew. I loved him like he was my other half but at the same time I was not as anxious about his lack of physical existence in my life.

Perhaps I was trained to be with men who are not often in my life because I liked the distance. Regardless what I knew that I have to give this a try. I have to because I have no choice. Because I have never felt this way about anyone else.

Last night I was on the phone with N for a bit. He and I talked often, often putting each other to sleep. We were like best friends at this point. I got along great with him. He shared his dating stories with me. There was no chemistry. Like we had been married for a long time.

R contacted me again. I first met him at a party in December at a friend of mine's house. A good looking attorney. That's a bit interesting. I don't know what that is all about. I guess we will see.