I was thinking about B when he texted me and said that he missed and loved me. I should have known that was a hint of him being horny, which, quite honestly, was endearing. I returned his text. He wanted to see a photo of my pussy, he told me that he wanted to see me on Tuesday. When I sent the photo of his suggestion, he returned text and email to let me know that he loved me very much. And he was coming.
I knew the man declared love during sex, but sometimes I wondered if he meant it or if that was the equivalent of him saying "I'm horny and I want your pussy." I couldn't tell if it made any difference to him, really, and that love was more than just an emotional connection but a deeper feeling that resulted one to do things for another. I did not think he's capable of doing anything for anyone but for himself and maybe his son. I thought to him, I was only a piece of meat, albeit, a top notch, good quality, sought after, Kobe grade, obedient piece of meat.
I could not tell if he needed me or he was just too lazy (or too busy) to pursue others.
But what surprised me though was after he had come he sent me a photo of himself, naked, depleted, and a half erect penis showing. I had never seen a photo of his naked self. I felt that he often did that with other women but for some reason, he just never felt comfortable enough to share photos of himself with me. It seemed like something that he did often, and that he was simply letting himself slightly more open with me, and naturally, in other relationships he had with other women, he had done that frequently. It also gave me the sense that he was no longer as shy about his sexual desires and his communication with me, which I liked. And I wondered if it had anything to do with me being more assertive, like when I insisted on seeing him, one way or another. I did not do that with any other people, or if I did do it, it was more of me doing whatever I wanted without having to worry about what the other person thought of me. With him I was much more cautious, in part I did not believe that he cared about me. In my head I was convinced that he'd leave me and stop loving me.
And every opportunity I had with him, could very well be the last.
But as I opened up a bit more with him I felt that he did the same. When I declared my emotional shortfalls, he did not seem to be phased by it, all of that gave me slightly more confidence in my dealings with him, and now whenever I thought about walking away, I kept on hearing the other self saying, "What about pushing forward and creating a deeper presence in his life instead?" Rather than talking myself out of it, I now think about whether that's actually possible. To be more present.
I think this is what's interesting about relationship. You don't necessarily know how it's going to turn out, until you give it an earnest try. And you have to be willing to stick it around. And see what happens. And you have to be willing to walk away.
I think this relationship is now in a growth mode. Not an internet speed growth mode, but a steady, cultivated, methodical, return not guaranteed, growth mode.
I knew the man declared love during sex, but sometimes I wondered if he meant it or if that was the equivalent of him saying "I'm horny and I want your pussy." I couldn't tell if it made any difference to him, really, and that love was more than just an emotional connection but a deeper feeling that resulted one to do things for another. I did not think he's capable of doing anything for anyone but for himself and maybe his son. I thought to him, I was only a piece of meat, albeit, a top notch, good quality, sought after, Kobe grade, obedient piece of meat.
I could not tell if he needed me or he was just too lazy (or too busy) to pursue others.
But what surprised me though was after he had come he sent me a photo of himself, naked, depleted, and a half erect penis showing. I had never seen a photo of his naked self. I felt that he often did that with other women but for some reason, he just never felt comfortable enough to share photos of himself with me. It seemed like something that he did often, and that he was simply letting himself slightly more open with me, and naturally, in other relationships he had with other women, he had done that frequently. It also gave me the sense that he was no longer as shy about his sexual desires and his communication with me, which I liked. And I wondered if it had anything to do with me being more assertive, like when I insisted on seeing him, one way or another. I did not do that with any other people, or if I did do it, it was more of me doing whatever I wanted without having to worry about what the other person thought of me. With him I was much more cautious, in part I did not believe that he cared about me. In my head I was convinced that he'd leave me and stop loving me.
And every opportunity I had with him, could very well be the last.
But as I opened up a bit more with him I felt that he did the same. When I declared my emotional shortfalls, he did not seem to be phased by it, all of that gave me slightly more confidence in my dealings with him, and now whenever I thought about walking away, I kept on hearing the other self saying, "What about pushing forward and creating a deeper presence in his life instead?" Rather than talking myself out of it, I now think about whether that's actually possible. To be more present.
I think this is what's interesting about relationship. You don't necessarily know how it's going to turn out, until you give it an earnest try. And you have to be willing to stick it around. And see what happens. And you have to be willing to walk away.
I think this relationship is now in a growth mode. Not an internet speed growth mode, but a steady, cultivated, methodical, return not guaranteed, growth mode.
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