I have matching bruises. Not from Snowboarding wipe out. E asked me what they were. He was always curious. He once dated me. I broke it off because I couldn't see E and while being involved with B. E could have been perfect, but I couldn't feel the emotional ties I had with him as I did with B. B was the person I am having the longest physical and emotional relationship with. I have never been with a man for as long as I did and stayed physical and emotional involved with. Including my marriage. It surprises me every day.
B is the only person I feel close with. I wrote to him the other day that he was more in tune with his feelings than I was. Yet it felt like the blind leading the blind. When I hear him telling me that he loved me, I wish that I could tell him the same. So I say "I love you", it sounds hollow. I don't know if love is the right word to describe this relationship. It is much deeper than that but I don't know how to describe it.
Our physical relationship is escalating a little bit. He is becoming more forceful. And it starts to hurt even more. I like that because I like pain. It's hard to find someone who can give me that level of pain because most men don't want to do that to the ones they care about. I like it. I have never met someone like B who got off on it as well.
Henry Miller wrote about his days in Paris. Whores he'd been with in Paris. One whore was getting fucked by several men. After they had come they pissed in her pussy and she loved it. I read that scene in 1992 and thought to myself then I wish it was done to me. Only B managed to do that. I liked that a lot. Once I knelt down and I was giving B a blow job and I did not realize he was pissing in my mouth as the shower was on. Soon my mouth was filled with his piss and I drank some and I let go of the rest of the liquid as he continued to fill my mouth with his piss. I was touching my pussy as I was doing the sucking and as I touched my pussy I felt that I was pissing a little as well and at the same time I was turned on like I was having an orgasm. I liked how B jammed his cock deep inside of me and I was gagging. How he tied my feet and my hands so that I had no control while he shoved his cock inside of me as he straddled on top of me. I liked how he pushed his cock deep into my throat as I fought hard not to gag.
What B and I have are so intimate, so unusual that it is difficult to picture that I can form another similar relationship in my life. My sexual fantasies have never deviated far from my abusive sexual history as a child. It's therefore difficult to imagine that I can have a normal sexual life with anyone. I know that I'm a freak. While having sex with other men could satisfy the primal urges it became hollow and deeply unsatisfying after I have been having sex with B. My theory was proven right when in July I was having such a hard time meeting up with B, that I thought he no longer wanted me. In a final attempt to separate myself from B that I made a determination to stop seeing B, and when that moment happened I could no longer find any desire to be with others as well. It was if my soul had left me and that when B chose not to be in life, even though in reality it was I who chose to leave B, I no longer cared about anyone else. In those days followed I started to feel that my interest in other men diminished. I was getting turned off by men in general when B was no longer in the picture. I had realized that the reason that my relationship worked with B for so long is that I really felt that I belonged to him, not just with him but to him. And when that bond was removed from me I cannot form any meaningful relationship with others.
When I was bound, B forcefully entered me. I was hurt and turned on at the same time. I wanted to cry because he has finally figured out how to please me. And I knew that it turned him on as well.
I ask B to push the limit more. As I cannot think another way to advance the relationship if I cannot continue with our exploration of our mutual interest.
I cannot begin to imagine to live a life without B. I had withered whenever I pushed him out of my life. I am normal to the outside world, because I can be perverse behind closed doors with B. And that, runs at the core of our relationship.
B is the only person I feel close with. I wrote to him the other day that he was more in tune with his feelings than I was. Yet it felt like the blind leading the blind. When I hear him telling me that he loved me, I wish that I could tell him the same. So I say "I love you", it sounds hollow. I don't know if love is the right word to describe this relationship. It is much deeper than that but I don't know how to describe it.
Our physical relationship is escalating a little bit. He is becoming more forceful. And it starts to hurt even more. I like that because I like pain. It's hard to find someone who can give me that level of pain because most men don't want to do that to the ones they care about. I like it. I have never met someone like B who got off on it as well.
Henry Miller wrote about his days in Paris. Whores he'd been with in Paris. One whore was getting fucked by several men. After they had come they pissed in her pussy and she loved it. I read that scene in 1992 and thought to myself then I wish it was done to me. Only B managed to do that. I liked that a lot. Once I knelt down and I was giving B a blow job and I did not realize he was pissing in my mouth as the shower was on. Soon my mouth was filled with his piss and I drank some and I let go of the rest of the liquid as he continued to fill my mouth with his piss. I was touching my pussy as I was doing the sucking and as I touched my pussy I felt that I was pissing a little as well and at the same time I was turned on like I was having an orgasm. I liked how B jammed his cock deep inside of me and I was gagging. How he tied my feet and my hands so that I had no control while he shoved his cock inside of me as he straddled on top of me. I liked how he pushed his cock deep into my throat as I fought hard not to gag.
What B and I have are so intimate, so unusual that it is difficult to picture that I can form another similar relationship in my life. My sexual fantasies have never deviated far from my abusive sexual history as a child. It's therefore difficult to imagine that I can have a normal sexual life with anyone. I know that I'm a freak. While having sex with other men could satisfy the primal urges it became hollow and deeply unsatisfying after I have been having sex with B. My theory was proven right when in July I was having such a hard time meeting up with B, that I thought he no longer wanted me. In a final attempt to separate myself from B that I made a determination to stop seeing B, and when that moment happened I could no longer find any desire to be with others as well. It was if my soul had left me and that when B chose not to be in life, even though in reality it was I who chose to leave B, I no longer cared about anyone else. In those days followed I started to feel that my interest in other men diminished. I was getting turned off by men in general when B was no longer in the picture. I had realized that the reason that my relationship worked with B for so long is that I really felt that I belonged to him, not just with him but to him. And when that bond was removed from me I cannot form any meaningful relationship with others.
When I was bound, B forcefully entered me. I was hurt and turned on at the same time. I wanted to cry because he has finally figured out how to please me. And I knew that it turned him on as well.
I ask B to push the limit more. As I cannot think another way to advance the relationship if I cannot continue with our exploration of our mutual interest.
I cannot begin to imagine to live a life without B. I had withered whenever I pushed him out of my life. I am normal to the outside world, because I can be perverse behind closed doors with B. And that, runs at the core of our relationship.
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