Is that all there is? Sleep No More New York

The first time I saw Sleep No More, my heart was broken. Then I thought the world had ended but it had not. I listened to Peggy Lee's Is that all there is, which was played at McKittrick's hotel, and I kept on feeling the heart broken into millions of little pieces. I didn't know what I'd do, I just saw myself crumbling into pieces. It was difficult, the depression lasted two to three months, and when it was all over, I remembered asking myself, "Is that all there is?" 

Sleep No More NY had that effect on me. It was love, passion, betrayal, homoerotic, witchcraft, sexual, erotic, and satisfying. Because my favorite movie of all time was Rebecca by Hitchcock, and because I was kinky, crazy and unconventional, this play appealed to me. More important than the fact I could relate to the play, the show was actually quite remarkable and original. 

I followed MacBeth, and Mrs. MacBeth, I then followed the king, the pregnant woman, and finally the witches. I even slept at the King's bed, and touched his clothes. At the dining table where the nurse and the pregnant lady danced, I examined the drinks' menu in detail. I stopped by the baby's room, as the pregnant lady sang "Good night Children Everywhere", I opened every single drawer that I could open; I turned every door knob that I could turn.  

But my very first stop was at the psych ward on 5th floor. I liked the beds, the rocks under one bed, the claw-foot bath tubs, and the nurse washing the bathtubs and drying clothes. I dipped my hand into the wash basin before the king washed his face. I went into the library and checked out the book titles. I went to the doctor's table and found urine sample bottles (No I did not open them, but I was sure that they were not urine either). At the dentist office, I sat on the patient's chair and then examined the dental equipment on the desk. I pushed out the shoe storage unit and looked at each pair of shoes. When the witches and MacBeth were dancing with disco lights shining through, I was feeling dizzy. Then when my eyes were acclimated, I noticed that the witches were naked and there were one other man who was completely naked and there was an orgy going on. A dark clothes man was burying something in a grave site, I almost tripped over a cross. A polar bear standing in the middle of chilly white lights shining forest, and I was lost in the maze.

There were someone shouting, a fight broke over a billiard table inside a  barn. The king had fallen asleep but was only awoken by a triangle clock. That same clock I had dug out of the trunk at the end of his king size bed (pun intended), previously. I wondered what would have happened if I had removed it in its entirety. I also found King's dress shirt lying on a chair, which got put on by his man servant later on. In the drawer I found an old fashioned shaving knife, and it was then used by the King's man's servant. What if I took that one out and did not put it back?

As I sat at the dining table reviewing the details of very elaborate, fashionable dishes served at McKrittrick Hotel, which was established in mid 1800s, the nurse came over and grabbed my hand, I had been occupying their performance space. As I walked away, I began to wonder if such restaurant existed and if so when could I go?

I finally saw Misses MacBeth and the very own MacBeth naked. There was a passionate bath scene, and two nurses were making out, hot! There were lots of ropes being hung on the clothes lines. It felt rather eerie, and it reminded me of French countryside.

The children's rooms had an excellent selection of kids' books, but surprisingly more words than illustrations. There was a dirty rag doll, laying on a child size bed. I somehow missed the room that had a crib and bunch of headless dolls hanging from the ceiling, serving as mobiles on this visit.

Back on the 5th floor, I used the bathroom. Then back out to the psych ward, which clearly I can identify. If you have not read my Silver Linings Playbook and Bipolar note (http://crankyvic.tumblr.com/post/50662237853/silver-linings-playbook-and-bipolar), you should because you'd understand why I was attracted psych ward. I went to the desk where doctor's notes were left for us to read. It had several check boxes checked, some familiar diagnosis I've read before. I wondered briefly if I were born back then, would I be tied down to the bed post and get electric shock treatment from time to time? Would my brain be so manic all the time? My manic episode had worsened lately. I had been working day and night, and when I was not working, I wanted to work out or to write / read. It's a good thing I enjoy working but at some point I'd crash and burn. But I digress.

MacBeth had to die.  But before the finale, you must follow him or the witches to the strobe light orgy scene as I described earlier. I missed it last time but I didn't this time. I enjoy watching good looking naked people, it's been a thing of mine as I became more comfortable with my weird, kinky, unconventional self that was full of contradictions between good and bad, but never unkind or unforgiving. 

My heart had been broken the first time I saw the show. I knew because the journey I was on was near the end. I knew but I struggled, I tried to resurrect it, I tried to make sense of it all. I didn't have an opportunity until four months later. I knew what I didn't know before, I knew that I had to fall off the cliff twice before I could let go of my love. My unconditional, over promised love that had gone awry, just like MacBeth.

So it was this visit back to the McKittrick Hotel that gave me the closure I was looking for. It's not your traditional end-all closure; it's not that I required a finale. It didn't even need an explanation. But truth, truth would set me free. I knew that. 

MacBeth had to die.

I had to die and be reborn.

Once I was innocent and naive, once I thought that I could love until I had nothing left to give, once I thought you knew what love was and how much I loved you. Then it stopped. As all the hopes had gone, and all promises were broken, one day I was lying on the bed, my eyes met yours, I saw your tortured soul, and I could feel your pain, finally heard you say, "I love you. I love you. I love you."

It was already too late.

MacBeth had been hung.

It was the finale I had accepted. It was pitch black in the end. There were no shining lights or renewed love. It was not a fairy tale. It was the real world.

The song of "A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square" was playing as the audiences were on their way out. I wore a mask like everyone else.

You were in a mask for all of those time. When the mask came off, you were not who I thought you'd be. Neither was I.

It was over. I was alone. And you were no longer the man I once loved.

Is that all there is?