Weather changed tonight. It had been hot and humid. But tonight it dipped into 6 Celsius, which was cooler by about 15 degrees from this morning. I was getting exhausted. Last night I was on the phone too long. I was a little drunk so I drunk dialed. C answered so we started to chat. First about the books we were reading, then the design process and then onto relationships. His, mine, whatever came to our heads, we talked.
Was at a bar with a girlfriend tonight across the street from where I stayed. It's the club district and where I'm at, the talent was quite good. There were plenty of good looking men and women. I could move here.
I found C's youtube videos. I showed it to girlfriend. Girlfriend said, "he's very cute." He's good looking, not just cute, I knew that he knew that he was good looking. He acted humble and chill but he knew that he was good looking and he knew that he attracted women. He knew that he could get a lot of women falling for him. He was a local mini celebrity, I think. I googled him. He was easy to find. He told me that I should be free. I should see whomever I desired to see, and I should be with whomever I wanted to be.
I started to question why. But then I stopped. I should not question him. I should not wonder because I don't think he knows what I'm really like.
I was having a Belgium beer at this Belgium pub down the street. I told my girlfriend who's been heart broken since last October about my view in relationships. There had been twice in my life that I felt something. I had a type, the type had me. I was 22 the first time. A man who was quiet, beautiful, smart, and intense loved me. We had a long distance relationship, he lived in D.C. and I lived in San Francisco. We traveled everywhere, and felt in love in Boston. I would have married him except he hurt me, bad. He was fucking around, that part did not bother me at all, he proposed to me, and then he hurt me. Violently. I was seeing other men at the same time, being monogamous was never in the equation. I simply loved him. It was easy to love a man who he loved you back, intensely and seductively. We spent our vacation in Sandals and Hedonism II in Jamaica. He proposed to me in Miami and Key West. We were in Cape Cod, Maine, Boston, New York, Philly, Chicago, San Diego, Mexico, Virginia, Maryland, D.C., and then some. It was a love story that should have had a different ending. He was of English and German decent, beautiful blond hair and blue eyes, he was fit and slim, and he loved me and hurt me. I had never felt that intensely about anyone before him. It would then take me a good decade and half to feel that way again. I had met someone who reminded me, me. I was in love, he hurt me, and I had to stop loving him.
It was a simple equation. The heart wanted what the heart wanted. But when the heart is broken it remains broken. It's much easier to move on when you stop loving. You still remembered the feeling of love, you still think that you are capable of loving someone, but you have to stop hurting yourself. You take a break and you try something new.
Girlfriend says she's a Scorpio and left handed. Like me.
I get along with left handed people. I fall in love with left handed people. We are sort of weird and unconventional. We are sort of whacked. I like whacked, kinky, intense, fucked up people. They remind me of myself.
C sends me a photo of his new invention. He's staying up to work on his new project. C also tells me what men really think. They will say and do anything to bed women. That's it. Men don't give a shit about how women feel but they will do things to make sure women don't slip away and not want to sleep with them any more.
I'm slipping away. I had loved someone once, intensely and completely, and then it just got burned out. I don't know what happened. It was easy to stop, in the end. When he stopped returning my affection, he stopped communicating to me, he simply did not give a shit about me, and in the end, when I felt that I no longer mattered, I stopped loving him, and I started to move on. I still remember the feeling of loving him, Nothing would have mattered to me, whether he was seeing others or not, whether he was around or not, whether he returned my emails or not, butt then it became silly. I became obsolete, and when that happened, I realized that all that I had wished for, was just an illusion. There was nothing out there, it was just imagination.
Others showed up. Others who paid attention, and wanted me for the things I could offer.
C wanted me. He's a brilliant man who let me see whomever I wanted to see, be with whomever I wanted to be with, and C adores me.
C won't break my heart.
C would never share the same level of kink as I had with my ex.
I would never love C. And that's how it ought to be.
At the end of the day, I don't want to cry any more. I don't want a patch of cloud following me. I don't want any more rain. I want sunshine. I want someone to hold my hand, reaching across the table, and calling me by my full name, and I want to feel that I matter to them.
I don't look for monogamy.
I want to be loved, adored.
I want my affection returned.
I want to dance with music.
I want to laugh and hold hands.
I want to write silly words to each other.
I want phone calls and humor.
I want long conversations.
I want sex that lasts for hours.
I want to please and be pleased.
I want the rain to stop following me.
Was at a bar with a girlfriend tonight across the street from where I stayed. It's the club district and where I'm at, the talent was quite good. There were plenty of good looking men and women. I could move here.
I found C's youtube videos. I showed it to girlfriend. Girlfriend said, "he's very cute." He's good looking, not just cute, I knew that he knew that he was good looking. He acted humble and chill but he knew that he was good looking and he knew that he attracted women. He knew that he could get a lot of women falling for him. He was a local mini celebrity, I think. I googled him. He was easy to find. He told me that I should be free. I should see whomever I desired to see, and I should be with whomever I wanted to be.
I started to question why. But then I stopped. I should not question him. I should not wonder because I don't think he knows what I'm really like.
I was having a Belgium beer at this Belgium pub down the street. I told my girlfriend who's been heart broken since last October about my view in relationships. There had been twice in my life that I felt something. I had a type, the type had me. I was 22 the first time. A man who was quiet, beautiful, smart, and intense loved me. We had a long distance relationship, he lived in D.C. and I lived in San Francisco. We traveled everywhere, and felt in love in Boston. I would have married him except he hurt me, bad. He was fucking around, that part did not bother me at all, he proposed to me, and then he hurt me. Violently. I was seeing other men at the same time, being monogamous was never in the equation. I simply loved him. It was easy to love a man who he loved you back, intensely and seductively. We spent our vacation in Sandals and Hedonism II in Jamaica. He proposed to me in Miami and Key West. We were in Cape Cod, Maine, Boston, New York, Philly, Chicago, San Diego, Mexico, Virginia, Maryland, D.C., and then some. It was a love story that should have had a different ending. He was of English and German decent, beautiful blond hair and blue eyes, he was fit and slim, and he loved me and hurt me. I had never felt that intensely about anyone before him. It would then take me a good decade and half to feel that way again. I had met someone who reminded me, me. I was in love, he hurt me, and I had to stop loving him.
It was a simple equation. The heart wanted what the heart wanted. But when the heart is broken it remains broken. It's much easier to move on when you stop loving. You still remembered the feeling of love, you still think that you are capable of loving someone, but you have to stop hurting yourself. You take a break and you try something new.
Girlfriend says she's a Scorpio and left handed. Like me.
I get along with left handed people. I fall in love with left handed people. We are sort of weird and unconventional. We are sort of whacked. I like whacked, kinky, intense, fucked up people. They remind me of myself.
C sends me a photo of his new invention. He's staying up to work on his new project. C also tells me what men really think. They will say and do anything to bed women. That's it. Men don't give a shit about how women feel but they will do things to make sure women don't slip away and not want to sleep with them any more.
I'm slipping away. I had loved someone once, intensely and completely, and then it just got burned out. I don't know what happened. It was easy to stop, in the end. When he stopped returning my affection, he stopped communicating to me, he simply did not give a shit about me, and in the end, when I felt that I no longer mattered, I stopped loving him, and I started to move on. I still remember the feeling of loving him, Nothing would have mattered to me, whether he was seeing others or not, whether he was around or not, whether he returned my emails or not, butt then it became silly. I became obsolete, and when that happened, I realized that all that I had wished for, was just an illusion. There was nothing out there, it was just imagination.
Others showed up. Others who paid attention, and wanted me for the things I could offer.
C wanted me. He's a brilliant man who let me see whomever I wanted to see, be with whomever I wanted to be with, and C adores me.
C won't break my heart.
C would never share the same level of kink as I had with my ex.
I would never love C. And that's how it ought to be.
At the end of the day, I don't want to cry any more. I don't want a patch of cloud following me. I don't want any more rain. I want sunshine. I want someone to hold my hand, reaching across the table, and calling me by my full name, and I want to feel that I matter to them.
I don't look for monogamy.
I want to be loved, adored.
I want my affection returned.
I want to dance with music.
I want to laugh and hold hands.
I want to write silly words to each other.
I want phone calls and humor.
I want long conversations.
I want sex that lasts for hours.
I want to please and be pleased.
I want the rain to stop following me.
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