It rained. All day. I was not liking it. The raining part, as you said, just went on and on in the Northeast, not like the misty rain we'd get in San Francisco.
I received your email, it was a nice one. I need emails and reminders that I exist in your world. I'm high maintenance that way. I hate silence. I hate that I don't mean anything to the people I care about.
My manic episode has worsened. I have been taking more drugs. Manic people tend to need a lot of sex, sexual partners to feel anything at all. I am in serious danger of under-sex. I don't know how to rectify the situation. I don't just jump into bed with anyone. It's a much involved process. It requires real emotions. It requires love. I can't tell you any of that of course, it would ruin everything.
The show was a good one and no I did not meet up with any of my ex'es, you needed not to worry. I have grown up a little. I did, however, exchanged text with one of my old liaisons, who was just getting on a plane to somewhere. He traveled for work a lot. I liked him in that he rarely lied. He would always tell me where he was at and when he'd return. I don't know what prompted any of this, I think I was missing him, He's also gone to college in Boston, grew up near it, and I thought to myself for a brief second, Hmmm.. what's wrong with me? The other day he asked me "How are you?" I just replied, "Great. working hard." I knew that he traveled a lot, and I also knew that he had other women, but I didn't care. People like me should not expect others to be monogamous, the fact of the matter is no one in my circles would stay that way, it would be pointless. I had a lover once, he was married and we got along fabulously. He'd tell me how often he had sex, and I knew that he had sex often with his wife, and it did not matter to me. I'm a French woman at heart. I could handle it. The only time that it backfired was when I felt that I was betrayed, but even then, I knew that I was being hypercritical. I caught him as he was boarding the plane, so I sent him a text of a drink I had the other night, I sent you the same picture actually. He did not seem like a predictor, neither did you, the only predictor I ran across was the person I had fallen in love with once, and I was his pray, but then again, we were all playing an dangerous game, I just lost my hand sooner that time. But I changed my strategy, and since then it was a game that we both enjoyed, until one day I needed some change, to shake it up a little. So I did. I don't know the purpose of that texts exchange, perhaps I just wanted to feel wanted and desired. I knew that I was wanted and desired by a few others, but I wanted his approval and I wanted him to desire me. Maybe because he and I had such an intense relationship that we did end it rather suddenly and we never had a closure that we both deserved.
I don't like it when you call me "sweetie". I also don't like it when he did that. Why did you guys always call me "sweetie?" Seriously, it's an overused word, so was "baby." I detest that. I had a boyfriend who used to call me such things. He called me baby or sweetie, and when we ended, I developed an allergic reaction to that word. I loved him so, but I never had a nickname for him, I just called him baby back and I wish that I had something clever and unique to call him. Perhaps I should instead call him "You bastard who fucked with my heart." But that would be too lengthy of a nickname.
Ever since you told me about tumblr, I started to use it. I don't want you to use it or find me there. I just think that it's a good venue to explore writing. Then I started to have naked women following me. It's a strange place.
Glad that you are making progress on your project and you went out last night and today. You seem to have an active social life. One that did not involve me.
I don't ask much in this sort of brand of relationship. I just want to do things, have fun activities planned, a sense of regularity, an implied trust that we don't lie to each other, and someone who accepts me for who I am.
But, everything ends. What if at the end the day all I have left is false hopes, and withered passion, what if you are no longer the person who I care about, what if at the end of the day I still love my old love and make the same mistakes? I am not sure if that makes sense to you or not. I am not sure if you'd eve read this. I hope not. I hope you never find this.
I hope that I could know the answer. The only thing that I do know, is that it may rain tomorrow. And even that, at the moment, is a maybe.
I received your email, it was a nice one. I need emails and reminders that I exist in your world. I'm high maintenance that way. I hate silence. I hate that I don't mean anything to the people I care about.
My manic episode has worsened. I have been taking more drugs. Manic people tend to need a lot of sex, sexual partners to feel anything at all. I am in serious danger of under-sex. I don't know how to rectify the situation. I don't just jump into bed with anyone. It's a much involved process. It requires real emotions. It requires love. I can't tell you any of that of course, it would ruin everything.
The show was a good one and no I did not meet up with any of my ex'es, you needed not to worry. I have grown up a little. I did, however, exchanged text with one of my old liaisons, who was just getting on a plane to somewhere. He traveled for work a lot. I liked him in that he rarely lied. He would always tell me where he was at and when he'd return. I don't know what prompted any of this, I think I was missing him, He's also gone to college in Boston, grew up near it, and I thought to myself for a brief second, Hmmm.. what's wrong with me? The other day he asked me "How are you?" I just replied, "Great. working hard." I knew that he traveled a lot, and I also knew that he had other women, but I didn't care. People like me should not expect others to be monogamous, the fact of the matter is no one in my circles would stay that way, it would be pointless. I had a lover once, he was married and we got along fabulously. He'd tell me how often he had sex, and I knew that he had sex often with his wife, and it did not matter to me. I'm a French woman at heart. I could handle it. The only time that it backfired was when I felt that I was betrayed, but even then, I knew that I was being hypercritical. I caught him as he was boarding the plane, so I sent him a text of a drink I had the other night, I sent you the same picture actually. He did not seem like a predictor, neither did you, the only predictor I ran across was the person I had fallen in love with once, and I was his pray, but then again, we were all playing an dangerous game, I just lost my hand sooner that time. But I changed my strategy, and since then it was a game that we both enjoyed, until one day I needed some change, to shake it up a little. So I did. I don't know the purpose of that texts exchange, perhaps I just wanted to feel wanted and desired. I knew that I was wanted and desired by a few others, but I wanted his approval and I wanted him to desire me. Maybe because he and I had such an intense relationship that we did end it rather suddenly and we never had a closure that we both deserved.
I don't like it when you call me "sweetie". I also don't like it when he did that. Why did you guys always call me "sweetie?" Seriously, it's an overused word, so was "baby." I detest that. I had a boyfriend who used to call me such things. He called me baby or sweetie, and when we ended, I developed an allergic reaction to that word. I loved him so, but I never had a nickname for him, I just called him baby back and I wish that I had something clever and unique to call him. Perhaps I should instead call him "You bastard who fucked with my heart." But that would be too lengthy of a nickname.
Ever since you told me about tumblr, I started to use it. I don't want you to use it or find me there. I just think that it's a good venue to explore writing. Then I started to have naked women following me. It's a strange place.
Glad that you are making progress on your project and you went out last night and today. You seem to have an active social life. One that did not involve me.
I don't ask much in this sort of brand of relationship. I just want to do things, have fun activities planned, a sense of regularity, an implied trust that we don't lie to each other, and someone who accepts me for who I am.
But, everything ends. What if at the end the day all I have left is false hopes, and withered passion, what if you are no longer the person who I care about, what if at the end of the day I still love my old love and make the same mistakes? I am not sure if that makes sense to you or not. I am not sure if you'd eve read this. I hope not. I hope you never find this.
I hope that I could know the answer. The only thing that I do know, is that it may rain tomorrow. And even that, at the moment, is a maybe.
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