Childhood

Holy mother of god. I figured it all out. Have been obsessed with this man. I mean  not entirely but close enough. He makes things. He’s an artist. He makes mechanical things. HE reminded me of my father. When I was young, father ran a company that made instruments. From raw materials. He built TV, short wave radios, and did everything by hand. He even made furniture and stereo equipment. I admired him. He was left handed and charismatic, every successful but very volatile as well. He had a lot of girlfriends. He was abusive to both my mother and me. He was inappropriate with me. I was molested as a child by a man on a bus, for a year, going in and out of primary school. Escaped a rape from a family friend. Then I had a man who was supposed to protect me who failed me greatly. Yet he was my role model for so long. He was the first man in my life. I get imprinted. So I’ve always been attracted to left handed men, men who could build things, who came from science and mathematical background like my father, men who are engineers. Men who traveled lots for work. Men wear classes. Men who are attractive.

Father and I do not have a functional relationship. I do not talk to him. I don’t share anything with him. I can’t connect with him. But I now know deep inside I was always that little girl who was abandoned, hurt, insecure and needed to be loved. I do have a functional relationship, maybe even a few, with people. but I cannot feel the emotional intimacy with anyone, except those who have resemblance with my father. And I try to sabotage those relationships because I want each one to end the way my father left me. I can’t stand my father. But part of me still is trying to relive my childhood.