When you thought about him, your heart literately hurt. It was filled with longing, and sadness. It did not make any sense. When one is in love why does it feel like one's heart is broken? You couldn't understand it. It's not a natural feeling for you to feel this "in love" with anyone, and it's not something that you had the tool to deal with, or to comprehend.
When you thought of him, you wished that you were with him, and that your body and soul were connected with him in some way that it longed to return to the mothership, the rightful owner, the only person who could make her world seemed normal.
Yet your heart saddened because that instinctive longing was in contradiction with the rational conduct. It was also validated by his limited presence in your life. In that he was not that available. And your longing for him reaffirmed his lack of availability and presence in your life. It's likened to wanting to move to a place you always wanted to live, but you can't, or wanting to eat that cheese burger but you are not allowed to.
Every visit was always short, as if your relationship was on a timer. From the beginning when you two meet for the duration, you already knew when the timer would go off, it would be around 6 AM when he had to be up for work, and even when he did not need to leave, he expected you to be out of his place. He compartmentalized you. You were this object, and he used you when he needed you and put you away and let you collect dust when he was no longer interested. Occasionally his interest level grew and he would appear to be more in touch with you but mostly he remained disengaged.
When he saw you he told you he loved you and he wanted to be with you. But when it came to the "how" or "when" part he had no answer and he expected you to be okay with it.
As time went on you started to believe none of this ever existed and all of which were just something you had concocted in your head, neither he nor the relationship were in your life, and it was always you created this illusion. The one part of you longed for some intimacy, some true connection at a more instinctive level, someone who understood you at the core, so you dreamed all of that up, it sometimes felt so real that you imagined he was real, what he said was what he meant, you knew what he looked like, with or without his glasses on, with or without his hat on.
That made you sad. His apparent existence in your life, a limited, somehow ambiguous existence became a constant reminder that you might have anything you actually want from this material world, love was still ever elusive. What if you did not deserve to be loved, or be loved, by anyone, certainly not by him.
The declaration of "I love you"s from him to you become a sore reminder that when you mixed fantasy with reality, when you started to believe what they said were what they truly meant, that things could escalate.
As he became more present, more communicative, and more caring, you became more suspicious, not suspicious of what he wanted but what all of it would lead to. You were convinced that he wanted very little from you. You were convinced he would eventually hurt you, by abandoning you. You were thinking he wanted you as his fantasy girl who occasionally played the role to please him, and nothing more. When he started to tell you that he felt something for you, that this was not just a physical relationship, it physically hurts you like you were stabbed in the chest.
A sexually abused child could turn out to be someone who expressed herself through her overt sexuality, but who was closed off emotionally. Such was your DNA make up. Until he started to mix fantasy with emotions.
Now the sirens were ringing. You were trapped like a caged animal not longing for the release, but was terrified of abandonment.
When you thought of him, you wished that you were with him, and that your body and soul were connected with him in some way that it longed to return to the mothership, the rightful owner, the only person who could make her world seemed normal.
Yet your heart saddened because that instinctive longing was in contradiction with the rational conduct. It was also validated by his limited presence in your life. In that he was not that available. And your longing for him reaffirmed his lack of availability and presence in your life. It's likened to wanting to move to a place you always wanted to live, but you can't, or wanting to eat that cheese burger but you are not allowed to.
Every visit was always short, as if your relationship was on a timer. From the beginning when you two meet for the duration, you already knew when the timer would go off, it would be around 6 AM when he had to be up for work, and even when he did not need to leave, he expected you to be out of his place. He compartmentalized you. You were this object, and he used you when he needed you and put you away and let you collect dust when he was no longer interested. Occasionally his interest level grew and he would appear to be more in touch with you but mostly he remained disengaged.
When he saw you he told you he loved you and he wanted to be with you. But when it came to the "how" or "when" part he had no answer and he expected you to be okay with it.
As time went on you started to believe none of this ever existed and all of which were just something you had concocted in your head, neither he nor the relationship were in your life, and it was always you created this illusion. The one part of you longed for some intimacy, some true connection at a more instinctive level, someone who understood you at the core, so you dreamed all of that up, it sometimes felt so real that you imagined he was real, what he said was what he meant, you knew what he looked like, with or without his glasses on, with or without his hat on.
That made you sad. His apparent existence in your life, a limited, somehow ambiguous existence became a constant reminder that you might have anything you actually want from this material world, love was still ever elusive. What if you did not deserve to be loved, or be loved, by anyone, certainly not by him.
The declaration of "I love you"s from him to you become a sore reminder that when you mixed fantasy with reality, when you started to believe what they said were what they truly meant, that things could escalate.
As he became more present, more communicative, and more caring, you became more suspicious, not suspicious of what he wanted but what all of it would lead to. You were convinced that he wanted very little from you. You were convinced he would eventually hurt you, by abandoning you. You were thinking he wanted you as his fantasy girl who occasionally played the role to please him, and nothing more. When he started to tell you that he felt something for you, that this was not just a physical relationship, it physically hurts you like you were stabbed in the chest.
A sexually abused child could turn out to be someone who expressed herself through her overt sexuality, but who was closed off emotionally. Such was your DNA make up. Until he started to mix fantasy with emotions.
Now the sirens were ringing. You were trapped like a caged animal not longing for the release, but was terrified of abandonment.
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