I was half standing on the barstool when I spotted him. S just left. He knew that I'd be at the bar and he had been asking me to meet him in various times, he was getting a little too stalkerish. I did show up, because I was going to meet my gay friend L there. I had known L for twenty years. We worked at a management consulting firm on 555 California, I was very young and I was often in love with varies men back then.
S wanted to know what I was up to. I have the innate ability to block people out of my mind when I'm not into them. I tell them what I'm up to and I tell them the men I was seeing to set the boundary. As in they are not part of that equation. When S decided to leave I was finally getting comfortable. I sat at the bar stool waited for E to come. E was finishing up work late and he wanted to see me. We would ordinarily get a room somewhere and fuck but ever since that relationship ended, we just hang out when we can and shoot the breeze.
E is tall and confident. Intelligent and gorgeous. I like them young in general. E and I talked about his new job. He'll be moving closer to me. He'll be only two blocks away from me. I told him about my potential move. He is indifferent. He's happy I think.
We talked about grabbing dinner one week. We used to go to the Mission when we dated. Then when we stopped dating, we continue going to trendy restaurant. We often admire women together. E knows the type of women I like. A bit heavy, with some meat, but not obese. With giant boobs. E thinks that it's funny because I have big boobs and I like women with boobs.
I told E that I like all people I'm an omnivore. I like men and women. If it weren't for B not wanting to fuck others, I'd be right into the field. There are at least three or four men want that, but I don't. I can't. Because B says no, I can't violate his order. I'm that weird.
I cheat but I cheat by rules. E knows that I'm emotionally inaccessible. "If you were, you'd be in love with me." E'd tell me and laugh. I knew he may be hurt but he won't tell me. I have never been one to show emotions. It's so easy to shut everything off. That's why I think it's strange that I open up to B.
I think the reason I'm able to open myself to B is that B is unable to access his feelings. Therefore I can be as open and as candid about myself, because B will never understand my love for him and he will never love me back in the way I want to be loved back. I long for the real love I'd feel for B, but I am wondering if he did love me the way I want him to love me, would I then stop loving him for fear of showing my real emotions?
I know how E is. He's genuine and he knows that I'm not in love with him. "You are not in love with me." He'd say. I can't even if I tried. I have only loved men who cannot love me back. That's the real success. I can feel all of those emotions and not be afraid that one day those emotions would be felt by others.
That's why B works. B does not even realize how much he hurt me, how sad I am when I think of him. He is all about himself.
That's the reality.
With others, their emotions are accessible. With B, it's not easy and I feel a sense of security. For he will never love me like all other men before and possibly after him.
S wanted to know what I was up to. I have the innate ability to block people out of my mind when I'm not into them. I tell them what I'm up to and I tell them the men I was seeing to set the boundary. As in they are not part of that equation. When S decided to leave I was finally getting comfortable. I sat at the bar stool waited for E to come. E was finishing up work late and he wanted to see me. We would ordinarily get a room somewhere and fuck but ever since that relationship ended, we just hang out when we can and shoot the breeze.
E is tall and confident. Intelligent and gorgeous. I like them young in general. E and I talked about his new job. He'll be moving closer to me. He'll be only two blocks away from me. I told him about my potential move. He is indifferent. He's happy I think.
We talked about grabbing dinner one week. We used to go to the Mission when we dated. Then when we stopped dating, we continue going to trendy restaurant. We often admire women together. E knows the type of women I like. A bit heavy, with some meat, but not obese. With giant boobs. E thinks that it's funny because I have big boobs and I like women with boobs.
I told E that I like all people I'm an omnivore. I like men and women. If it weren't for B not wanting to fuck others, I'd be right into the field. There are at least three or four men want that, but I don't. I can't. Because B says no, I can't violate his order. I'm that weird.
I cheat but I cheat by rules. E knows that I'm emotionally inaccessible. "If you were, you'd be in love with me." E'd tell me and laugh. I knew he may be hurt but he won't tell me. I have never been one to show emotions. It's so easy to shut everything off. That's why I think it's strange that I open up to B.
I think the reason I'm able to open myself to B is that B is unable to access his feelings. Therefore I can be as open and as candid about myself, because B will never understand my love for him and he will never love me back in the way I want to be loved back. I long for the real love I'd feel for B, but I am wondering if he did love me the way I want him to love me, would I then stop loving him for fear of showing my real emotions?
I know how E is. He's genuine and he knows that I'm not in love with him. "You are not in love with me." He'd say. I can't even if I tried. I have only loved men who cannot love me back. That's the real success. I can feel all of those emotions and not be afraid that one day those emotions would be felt by others.
That's why B works. B does not even realize how much he hurt me, how sad I am when I think of him. He is all about himself.
That's the reality.
With others, their emotions are accessible. With B, it's not easy and I feel a sense of security. For he will never love me like all other men before and possibly after him.
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