Equal

I brought a kombucha, and a non fat cappuccino to see him. In the end, we did not have much time, he had a meeting and so did I. I felt on edge, ever since he cancelled our meeting, because his son was sick, and I felt that I needed to see him, and despite my own sense of insecurity, I felt that I ought to ask and insist on seeing him, even if it's just for a few minutes. My own sense of insecurity was always unfounded, but for some strange reason, I feared that he did not want me, or wanted to see me in public, and that perpetual fear perhaps was the foundation of my relationship with him. I was afraid of losing his affection, so I tried harder, even though that fear was manufactured in my head, and his affection for me persisted.

He had not shaven. He looked rather tired. His hair had turned nearly all gray. He was happy to see me. The second I buzzed, the door opened, he said that he just got out of a meeting and I wondered how long he had been waiting for me, at the front of the door. I handed him kombucha and coffee. I asked if we should linger outside, and he asked me to come in and sit down at the front room. The room looked spacious and bright, and there was music playing in the background. The front reception room was sparsely furnished like his apartment. He sat on the right.

We carried on small talks. I knew our time was limited. He asked if we could see each other on Wednesday, it was a day that I had already set aside for him, I would not be home on Thursday and I knew that for him, Wednesday seemed to be a good day also. I liked Wednesday because it was often a day that we saw each other lately. He would have his place back. I would have mine. He woke up early to go to work, and I hated that about his place. I wished that there was a way for him to trust me enough to give me a spare key so when I left I could lock the door and drop the key off. I hated getting up early. "I'm not a morning person and  you always needed to leave early." I said. He smiled.

He asked about my new job prospect. There was a new one that I liked. It involved technology and interesting work. I would have not leave the city but he did not mind so much. It would be better than leaving the country. I had contemplated moving to Asia, just so that I could stop longing for him. I was sitting at this night club with him. I told him about my intent, and he said, "Oh I don't like that." I looked at him, astonished and I said, "I did not know that you cared." I didn't. He did care. I didn't believe that he loved me. But he said that he did, always had been. I couldn't believe him. But that could be just me. Sixteen years ago, at a hotel, he told me that he would be seeing me back at home, I was working at another city, he was traveling through that same city, we had the same destination, and he had promised to see me that weekend, he said, "I will see you tonight, if not, definitely tomorrow night." He did not show up that evening, he did not show up the next evening. I did not ask why. I had been warned by others about him. I let him go, I did not fight for him or demand his attention. He did not necessarily go anywhere, I simply stopped sleeping with him, the next time we saw each other, I had another man. He had no idea that I liked him then, and I was hurt, and I didn't give him a reason to believe that I was hurt, but that dynamic persisted to this date. I did not believe that he cared. I was always looking for a way out so that I could stop hurting. He had, against all my presumptions, come through this time, he adored and loved me, and told me so.

There was a moment I started to tell him about my new job prospect, and I could tell that he was genuinely proud of me. As I became animated about the interview, about the work itself, his smile broadened, and I could sense that if we were in private he'd hold me and he'd kiss me, but then that moment passed, I asked him how much time he had, he said, "Oh we had time, two more minutes." I hissed under my breath, "Oh fuck you."

"Let me walk you to your car." He got up to leave. I followed.

"Next Wednesday then. Are you home?" I asked.

"Yes. Wednesday is good." He answered.

At my car I told him that I thought my spouse had a girlfriend. He had been traveling to an east coast city a lot, nearly ever other week. I always knew but I did not want to share that information with him, or anyone for that matter.

"I think he is seeing someone." I said.

"Of course he is". He answered quickly, a little too quickly.

I realized at the moment, and upon reflection, why he was so eager, perhaps he thought that by me having a spouse who traveled and had his heart set on another woman, would give him a more likely chance to be with me, a more likely chance, for me to leave the spouse, for him. While he offered no promise, while he could give me very little, he wanted, ultimately, me, to be his and his only, and what better way to gain an edge, if I knew the man I was supposed to be with, had left the scene?

I wondered that for sometime, for the rest of the day. Before I left, I asked him to kiss me, he kissed me hurriedly on my cheek, and rushed back to his meeting. I hugged him, he was not so certain about being hugged but I did that anyway.

"I'll email, we will email.. something." He mumbled.

"Wednesday. Your place or mine." I replied.

A friend, a gay friend who was raising a child with his partner sent me an article titled "Why do we cheat?" He was struggling with the loss of passion and intensity in his relationship with his partner. He wanted to come to me because he knew that I've been carrying on this relationship I have outside of my marriage for a number of years now. I told him precisely why. I agreed with the author.

In life we were possibly granted happiness once. In life, we might meet a person whom we were attracted to physically and emotionally, it was not something that we could explain. Against all stereotypes and gut instinct, we had fallen in love with the person who made us feel alive. I had, never ever felt this way so persistently, so lengthy, so incredibly completely overwhelmingly intense. He was not what I'd expected, but he captured my soul.

In a yelp review I did that earned me "review of the day" award, I wrote about a restaurant in his neighborhood. He read the review and said, "I bet you are getting a lot of dating inquiries with that picture!"

I wrote back, "I'm not dating nor responding to 'inquiries'. I have no room for other people in my life. If you want affirmation, here it is: I love you and I am yours, body and soul." 

He then replied, "That makes me happy, baby."

I used to be more reluctant about expressing my feelings. I once told him that he was more in tune with his feelings than I was with mine, yet, it felt like the blind leading the blind. He thought that was an astute description. 

I started to be more expressive about my feelings, for a situation, for him, and for my rights in his life. I started to assert myself more, letting him know how strong I feel about him, and insisting on creating a sustainable presence in his life, rather than running away from him, and back on that path I once took, which was whenever I got scared, I ran towards others, but only to feel that same hollowness I've felt all my life before he existed in my life, I stayed with my feelings and fought, ever so slightly, for a greater presence in his life. I couldn't possibly be with others, even though I could still appreciate other men visually, I could not possibly love another, or become physically involved with another. When other propositioned, flirted or hinted a form a romantic relationship, rather than feeling that I had a backup, I felt disinterested, bored, and most importantly, I felt that if I did give consideration to others, I'd lose the only great love I would ever have in my life. It was perhaps the discovery of my life time, that finally someone understood me, and got me, intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. That combination, nearly never happen. Because I was not exactly a cookie cutter person. I had always thought my needs could be fulfilled but not all of them, but could not be fulfilled by one person.

The most unlikely scenario arose from being in love with someone, even for a woman like me. I had learned to love monogamously, I had begun to learn to express myself more openly, and I had, against all odds, found a man who was my intellectual, sexual and emotional equal.