I self-imposed a break. Decided not to contact him for a day. He sent an email and I didn't call him. I was used to talking to him every day. Then today at 1 PM I finally called. Just to chitchat, and he said, "How are you? What are you up to? What's new?"
I knew that he wanted to chitchat, to gauge my level of interest. To see if I was mad at him. I was not. I just wanted a break. I don't know why but my beauty sleep allowed me to be more objective about things. And less anxious. I didn't want this to end but I also did not want it to progress.
I think I love my ex. The guy who sort of awoke my feelings. I was heart broken by him. Also self-imposed. I like him. I really do. I think he's manic depressive like me. I also think that if he leaves scene it's fine too. I don't feel the anxiousness about him any more. I think he's a good man. I love him. That will never change. But I may not need to be with him.
He's toxic to me. When we are together, it's too intense. I have to stop being with him to feel normal. I don't feel the same way as I do with others.
So when I didn't talk to C, I know that he was worried. I don't think he wants me to be gone.
We did not talk long. We talked about my work, his work, and everything in between.
I asked him when he wanted me over. He said, "Whenever is convenient for you." I realized if I stopping pushing my agenda, he wanted me more. That is the case with every man. I wish that I can see my ex more. But I think he needs to be drifting in and out of my life. He's not consistent. He's who he is.
With C I just need to back up a little and then he'll want me more. I think he actually craves for companionship and I like him for who he is. So I asked, "Do you want to have dinner outside?" He said that he'll make us something.
I thought that would be fine. We will be fine. He and I. No drama. No expectations. And when things end, no one will get hurt.
I wish it's that simple with my ex. I think once you love someone, it's harder to let go.
If he says to me tomorrow, "I want you to be mine. Stop seeing others. Be with me." I would say to him back, "If you do the same. I will stop seeing all others." Fair is fair. I would be willing to be his, if he's willing to be mine.
On that note, I may want to can my therapist. She does not seem to get me. She gets upset. But I don't believe that she understands me. Or try to.
Everyone gets upset with me. I don't know why. I am who I am I don't get upset with others. I frankly can careless of what they think. I am me. I'm going to be me.
I knew that he wanted to chitchat, to gauge my level of interest. To see if I was mad at him. I was not. I just wanted a break. I don't know why but my beauty sleep allowed me to be more objective about things. And less anxious. I didn't want this to end but I also did not want it to progress.
I think I love my ex. The guy who sort of awoke my feelings. I was heart broken by him. Also self-imposed. I like him. I really do. I think he's manic depressive like me. I also think that if he leaves scene it's fine too. I don't feel the anxiousness about him any more. I think he's a good man. I love him. That will never change. But I may not need to be with him.
He's toxic to me. When we are together, it's too intense. I have to stop being with him to feel normal. I don't feel the same way as I do with others.
So when I didn't talk to C, I know that he was worried. I don't think he wants me to be gone.
We did not talk long. We talked about my work, his work, and everything in between.
I asked him when he wanted me over. He said, "Whenever is convenient for you." I realized if I stopping pushing my agenda, he wanted me more. That is the case with every man. I wish that I can see my ex more. But I think he needs to be drifting in and out of my life. He's not consistent. He's who he is.
With C I just need to back up a little and then he'll want me more. I think he actually craves for companionship and I like him for who he is. So I asked, "Do you want to have dinner outside?" He said that he'll make us something.
I thought that would be fine. We will be fine. He and I. No drama. No expectations. And when things end, no one will get hurt.
I wish it's that simple with my ex. I think once you love someone, it's harder to let go.
If he says to me tomorrow, "I want you to be mine. Stop seeing others. Be with me." I would say to him back, "If you do the same. I will stop seeing all others." Fair is fair. I would be willing to be his, if he's willing to be mine.
On that note, I may want to can my therapist. She does not seem to get me. She gets upset. But I don't believe that she understands me. Or try to.
Everyone gets upset with me. I don't know why. I am who I am I don't get upset with others. I frankly can careless of what they think. I am me. I'm going to be me.
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