When the world was spinning, you were spinning with the world

Completed incapacitated. This was the state of my being. This was a shocker. Me, unable to wake up, me, unable to shower. Me showered and curled up like a ball, back in bed. Your bed, hair wet and unable to breath, cold sweat, dead sick, unable to eat. Toast, cookie, water? You asked? Last night I was your fantasy girl but today I was sick as a dog, unable to function, unable to get up, in your bed, cold and dizzy, the world had ended for me. It was a beginning of a beautiful day, but I was crippled, I was disease ridden, and I was falling and couldn’t get up. You came to check on me. I insisted that I should get up, and leave, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t walk, so back to your couch I laid, the clock, tick tock, first it was eleven, then one, then three, then five. I was supposed to be somewhere, I was supposed to see someone but I couldn’t move. So at three you laid down next to me, to take a nap. I curled up next to you, feeling guilty, embarrassed and unable to move my muscle. The world was spinning and you were spinning with the world. But I was also drowning and you held me up, so that I could breath again. 

I was a weak woman who needed someone to take care of me. I couldn’t function, I couldn’t be up and running, I couldn’t be anything but this half dead, sick, useless person.  

Without make up, without an ounce of pride, I went to the toilet to throw up, vertigo did that to me, and I had nothing else to throw up, I just laid on the floor, hoping that I could catch the next breath.

You wanted to make me food, coffee, then feed me sunflower seeds, cookies and crackers. I had not eaten for nearly 20 hours. I was just staring at the clock, waiting for the clock to strike seven. And when it did, I managed to get dressed and was about to take off. I put my make up on, while chitchatted. You were watching vintage TV, Dragnet was on. You liked the show, and I had to watch it with you, because I had nothing else to do, or could do. 

You place kisses on my forehead. I wanted so much to be taken care of, but you won’t be helping me, you were too scared to help me, I was not in the right category of women to be taken care of. I didn't belong to you or anyone. 

I looked at the clock and it was time to go.  I had some place to be. I had someone to see. I traveled from one place to another, looking for a home. Looking for a place where I could finally be me. But instead this was what I ended up. I was aimless and scared. I was unable to function.  This was not the woman I wanted you to see. 

When the world ends, perhaps I could really feel, but for now… for now this note would do.