Not going anywhere

I woke up in a strange place, by his voice, He said, "Baby, I'm moving." He whispered to my ears, I could tell it's him. I was shocked, and terrified. I began to cry. I missed him like there was no tomorrow. I knew that this was completely irrational. I knew that it's possible I could never love like this again. I'm stuck.

I wrote him an email, I told him that "I had a strange dream about you. You told me that you were moving." Soon I got an email back with nothing but  this song.  I listened to it. I cried.

I'm not certain there is ever going to be a chance that I'd love another like I've loved him. It's coming up three years, and it does not die, it does not diminish, it does not go away. Other people come and go, but my feelings for him never goes away. I begin to wonder if that's natural to have that persistent longing for someone like I do for him.

Other people, there will always be other people. But there is never going to be another like him. And sometimes I wonder if this is it, this is the love I'll feel, until the end.

Broken relationship

He wore a gray suit, white dress shirt, I was coming out of the bathroom when I saw him coming in. We had run into each other the other day, after the ball game he had gone with his date to a restaurant for food. Judging by her purse, his date would have been quite attractive, as he tends to date attractive Asian women with little substance, but still they suit him. I know that much about him because I've known him for a long while. I knew his relationships. Like most men I dated, I tend to stay in their lives and became friends. They'd tell me about the details of their relationship. They'd share their failed romances. They'd meet my friends and on some occasions they'd date them upon my match making sessions. I had never failed to create a safe distance once my relationship ended with them, enough so that as they become closer to me, they become adoptable to my changeable moods, even, at times, they become so over protective of me, that no other men I meet they'd think is good enough for me.

He's no exception. We've met when I had just learned B was not exclusive with me. I learned after he had told me that he was not seeing others, that he was in fact seeing others, or at least having sex with others. When my heart broke all bets were off. I did not want to be a victim to his web of lies any more, in that weird moment of clarity I met him. He was older by a few years. He was tall, blue blooded New Englander, he went to college in Boston like every man I met that year and he seemed to be interested in me. 

Our relationship was short lived, like almost of my relationships but he stayed in my life. Occasionally resurfacing. In some cases I got so mad at him that I threw tantrum out of no apparent reason. When he tried to insist on seeing me, sexually, I turned down his advances. Gradually a new kind of relationship emerged. We became friends. He started to tell me things about his children. Instead of touching me he kept his hands to himself. Instead of suggesting sexual favors he asked about my job, my life, my sexless marriage, my relationship with B and my weekends. 

He said that he's learned to be more patient. It was not his strength. He knew so much about me, even though there were times he did not respond to me, he kept his emails and texts up to date. 

When I did not hear from him, I would write, "I have not heard from you on text. Feels just every bit of inconsistent as before. I am free but I'm not interested in seeing you. Just not in the mood." 

He would then write back, "I left my phone at home by mistake today. I get your message and understand. Let's leave things where they are. Good luck." 

Which made me looked like an idiot. I often put foot in my mouth these days. The more erratic I became, the more he tolerated me. 


I wrote back "Now I look like an idiot." 
He came to see me regardless. I ordered food. He ate and talked to me. We stayed in our own space and he did not make advances. I suspected that he no longer interested in me but that made our interaction much easier to handle. He told me that he was leaving for Europe for a month, for a vacation. I asked if he was going with anyone and he said "no." I told him that was a lie. He's got women lied up to see him, he just did not want to tell me.

He said that he and I should go out sometime. I told him that I would like to but I sucked at golf at the moment. I'm taking lessons and doing better by heading to the range every week but perhaps I should do more. He smiled.

He kissed me on the cheek as he was taking off. I still had drink half filled and I had baguette and unfinished salami. So I stayed behind while waited for my friends to finish running so that we could then meet up and go to listen to some music. As he was leaving he said, "Are you alright?" 

I said yes.

He wanted to see me on Friday for a drink with another girlfriend of mine. He wanted to know what I was doing on Saturday but did not want to go anywhere with me. His children are grown. He had no interest in forming a relationship because he did not want to have any unrealistic expectations.

I was once his object of affection. He used to find me attractive and fun. Now he seems to think that I'm smart and ambitious. Career oriented and driven. He couldn't bear to hurt me. 

Once I got upset because he stood me up, he sent me a text and said that he was sorry and that he knew that was not acceptable by me. I had written harsh emails that told him off. I had told him to piss off and I'd never see him again. I had done that to more than one men who I had relationship with, and each time they seemed to want me back as a friend, possibly more, but definitely as a friend.

This gave me the idea of that perhaps men do not really care for agreeable woman in the end. They may say that they do but they do not. They want fire, heat, women who threw tantrums and was vocal about what they want.

I had never done to B. I did to those I could not care less. But I think when I was with those who I could not care less about, I was more like myself. I screamed yelled got pissed off and said things that were more fierce than I would let on. There was a depth and range of emotions I was able to explore with others, and in return, they seem to respect me more. 

I don't know what to say to him after this meeting. I knew that I would not see him again any time soon. I did not know what lies ahead. Perhaps nothing at all, perhaps a platonic friendship could emerge from it. 

I wondered why it is so hard for me to really feel. I also wondered why men tend to stay in my life, even though I've moved on from them. And I wondered if I'd ever lose my shit with B. And when that happens what is there but a broken relationship.

One day, just not today

By B giving me the right to date others, it gave me not hope but despair. The alleged freedom of sleeping with others renders me resignation and sadness unbeknownst to myself. It was not really a way of sexual liberation but his way of saying that he no longer cared about me. By him to let me go it pushes me away further and further from him. Instead of creating a true emotional intimacy he has created a gap between the two of us. It's a one step forward two step backwards. On one hand he told me that he loved me and he wanted to be with me, on another he simply disappeared and did not want to acknowledge my request or desire to be with him more often.

His promises were all empty, his words were simply his words. It meant nothing at all.

A man who truly loved me would not want me to sleep around. He was only saying so to justify why he was able to screw around. He then told me that he loved me to pretend none of this was of any significance and he was only feeling for me.

If he truly wanted a difference, he would have fought to keep me and not wanted me to be with other men.

It takes a few days for his desire and words to sink in. Once that understanding was established, I realized that he never intended to make me his, he used to words to lure me in, and on occasion he tried to behave like a boyfriend, but he did not want me, not really. And he simply had no interest in expanding our interactions.

We take one step forward, and two steps backwards. We started further back than when we first started. I put up a lot for him, I was obsessed with him. But instead, I meant nothing. I'm not interested in dating other men. I'm not interested in any kind of game. I'm not interested in anything more. Good enough was good enough before but we had slipped back further than we first started. It was no longer good enough.

A man I had known for some time was texting me. I ran into him. He was getting out of a game. I was not interested in him. He was interested in me. He was with his date for the evening. I was with a few of my friends. He's been asking me out. I had no interest. I still do not have any interest.

In general men bore me. Good men are hard to find. I don't doubt that they exist but I have not met them. I don't care about a sexual connection. I simply want to be respected, and adored, and perhaps, be loved. Truly, loved.

I think that day will come one day. It is not today, It is not tomorrow, but one day, one day I'll meet someone who will not break my heart and love me for who I am. It's just not today.