Five Years Later

She saw him coming in. She was early. She had a coffee in her hand. He had his usual beanie hat. He was 54, a middle age man. She was 46, turning 47 in a couple of months.

It was the summer and the weather was as usual, cold and windy. She remembered him talking about the weather, the last time they met, she knew it was the end of it all, when he spoke about weather, and she wondered why people always spoke about weather when they ran out of things to say.

The last kiss he planted on her mouth was gentle and hurried, and he said, "bye hon". She wondered why he called her "hon", like she was someone to him. She wondered if he called the mother, his children's mother, "hon" as well, and how it felt so different than when he said, "come here, my love." The way it used to be.

She smiled and looked up as he approached. She was slightly older but not by much. She's rapidly leaving her prime, but she aged well. He was still looking the same, a bit more tired. She wondered how many more women he had bed. When he got stressed out, he fucked. He fucked to relieve stress and to break her heart. Each time when he told her how he fucked others, she was excited and saddened at the same time. She never told him why, because he did not care about why. He did not care about her at all, and yet she thought nothing mattered when it came to love. Until it was too late.

He asked her how things were. She told him everything was the same. Children were older, they were now in high school and middle school. She had gotten a new job and returned to the city, her stocks had vested and she was working more now in this new company.

He reluctantly asked her about her love life, she smiled. Yes there were lovers here and there. A young man who was now finally approaching 40, she had been with him for seven years, the young man and she met when they were dating, and she kept him under wrap, because he was insignificant, yet she loved sex with him. He was gorgeous, tall, blond and Swedish. He and his wife finally had children, but she saw him still, it was the longest relationships she had to-date. There were others as well, a running list of men came through her head, some were very young, 20 years junior, some were his age, or slightly younger. A boyfriend who lived in Berkeley for years, he was divorced, and had a good looking lab, he was tall and European, and he loved her and showered her with gifts, took her to vacations, he had impeccable taste and lavish lifestyle. He was nearly too good to be true but he was all that, but he was her first rebound after they had broken up and she couldn't love him back. He knew that and he finally let her go. He always knew that he was unable to compete with the last love she had.  Another man came into her life, he was about his age and also from the midwest, he loved her and was ready to give her everything she ever wanted. He was also very tall and had a very midwesterner's demeanor. He wanted to sweep off her feet and took her home to see his mom and dad, she refused. She couldn't bear to leave her children and husband.

There were many others since then. Some were more memorable than others. A couple, lawyers, who lived in the peninsula were very interested in her. They wanted her to move in eventually, she did, briefly, on days she worked down south. The husband was very good in bed, to her surprise, the wife was better, not to her surprise. They did a lot of holidays together. They cooked for her too and showered her with compliments. She continued to see them to this date.

A man who was from the East Coast wanted her to become a stable third to his relationship, though she found him a bit too creepy and the girlfriend too slippery. She ended up dating the man until recently, because she found out he took on another woman who was just like her and she wanted out.

There were still many others, some stories she could remember some she couldn't.

She was astonished by how many who were too eager to shower her with gifts and affection and she couldn't open her heart again.

She did not ask him about his stories. She knew him too well to ask any questions. His life never did change, they met twenty years ago, and he had never changed.

She did not ask him about his children but he told her about them anyway.

And he showed her pictures. In his phone she saw pictures of the children and her own photos. For five years since they stopped seeing each other, she continued sending her nudes to him. Whenever he asked, and whenever she felt like it. He liked them and she liked sending them. It was the only thing that bonded them. She liked her photos being in his possession, it was the only way that made her feel alive. Him seeing photos of her, she sending photos of herself.

She told him that she finally started to have anal sex. One of her lovers had finally figured out how. They went on and on for years until he was good at it and she came violently the first time it did happen. It was a nice feeling. To finally try something new.

She cashed in on her start up stocks, it was a significant chunk of change. She took the money and bought a new place, in the city, a condo, in the city center area. She needed to be close to Hayes Valley, she said, though a condo in Dogpatch almost got her excited.  She now stayed in her own place on some nights, so she could be alone and her children saw her mostly on those nights when her husband was away.

He looked at her, and said she looked still very attractive, very hot. She smiled. Thank you she said.

He reached for her hand, she was startled by it but she let him hold her.

"I always love you, you know that." He said.

She did not believe him, but she liked to hear that. She liked to think that she meant something to him, that her love for him, the undying love, the devotion, did not go on wasted.

"What is love anyway?" She said. "I suppose you know what it is, because you love your children." She added.

"Remember I used to tell you this is it? This,  you and me, this is it. I knew that I couldn't, and wouldn't love another. I would have done anything and everything for you. That was my demise." She concluded.

Her phone buzzed. She said that she had to go. She's been dating this woman, whose husband was out of town, they are headed to the movies, then she'll be staying over. Sex has been great with her, way better than the men she's been bedding. It was very lovely to sleep with a woman, and how she learned to orgasm when she least expected.

He joked, "I'd love to watch you two." She said, "Yes you would."

Goodbyes were said. He watched her to leave from the behind. She had a leaner, more athletic built. She had been running 50 milers and she was beginning to become good at this ultramarathon business. This woman she dates also ran ultras. They were a good fit, she said. She was erect and taller than he had remembered.

There was an air of foreignness about her, gone was her fragility and sadness, she was more assure of herself, and she was more resolute.

He waited for her to turn, and just as he was about to give up, she did, with a smile, she mouthed, "I love you too." And then, she was gone.