When he said to me that his baby mama would be disappointed and sad to find out that he has a girlfriend aka me, it made me pause. Why would she care if she was simply co-parenting with him? Did she expect there would be more from it? Did she in fact in a relationship with him? Is he cheating behind her back? Did he make her feel there is already more? Is he actually telling me the truth? Does she love him and does he make her feel that she's the one? Are they really a couple? If all of this is true then what am I doing here loving him? He's already loved.
I must play a secondary role in this and I don't want to be his primary object of affection any longer. I should exit left center stage and let her be his main relationship and I will no longer want to participate in this triangle of emotional mess.
I don't like to compete. I don't ever compete, certainly not when she already has the man and I entered the scene late. I deserve more. I need to feel that I'm the number one in a man's life - if I loved him and if he loved me back. If that is not happening, then I feel abandoned and discarded. The only way for it to work is for me to be a mistress, and as a mistress, you stop loving the guy you are with because he's NOT yours to begin with. You take sexual pleasure in forming that relationship and you expect nothing, absolutely nothing in return, maybe a pretty necklace here and there, maybe a nice meal here and there. You give heads. You spread your legs. You say all the right things. You expect nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in return. you demand nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. And you seal off your heart. For your heart deserves more than that. You want true undying devoted untainted love. You will do anything for that person. That person who is worthy of you.
Maybe I have been defeated. Maybe I never had a chance. Maybe he never wanted me to take a center stage in his life. Maybe that person, that role has already been occupied. But no matter, I will take this as a defeat and handle it with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child.
I will desire him for a while but this may be the beginning of a real end. It's not because he stopped loving me, it's not because he wanted me to leave, it's because he did not ever intended for me to play a big role in his life, and the more I have gotten to know him, the more I realized that he never really desired me the way I need to be desired and wanted. He only liked me so that I can be his sexual partner. He needed not me to take care of him. Some other woman, his children's mother already does that to him. He needed nothing more than just occasional fantasy fulfilled. He needs constant new. I gave him a false sense of stability even though he already has it with the other woman.
I am not his, he is not mine. He never was mine and he never will be. This is the beginning of a real end.
I must play a secondary role in this and I don't want to be his primary object of affection any longer. I should exit left center stage and let her be his main relationship and I will no longer want to participate in this triangle of emotional mess.
I don't like to compete. I don't ever compete, certainly not when she already has the man and I entered the scene late. I deserve more. I need to feel that I'm the number one in a man's life - if I loved him and if he loved me back. If that is not happening, then I feel abandoned and discarded. The only way for it to work is for me to be a mistress, and as a mistress, you stop loving the guy you are with because he's NOT yours to begin with. You take sexual pleasure in forming that relationship and you expect nothing, absolutely nothing in return, maybe a pretty necklace here and there, maybe a nice meal here and there. You give heads. You spread your legs. You say all the right things. You expect nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in return. you demand nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. And you seal off your heart. For your heart deserves more than that. You want true undying devoted untainted love. You will do anything for that person. That person who is worthy of you.
Maybe I have been defeated. Maybe I never had a chance. Maybe he never wanted me to take a center stage in his life. Maybe that person, that role has already been occupied. But no matter, I will take this as a defeat and handle it with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child.
I will desire him for a while but this may be the beginning of a real end. It's not because he stopped loving me, it's not because he wanted me to leave, it's because he did not ever intended for me to play a big role in his life, and the more I have gotten to know him, the more I realized that he never really desired me the way I need to be desired and wanted. He only liked me so that I can be his sexual partner. He needed not me to take care of him. Some other woman, his children's mother already does that to him. He needed nothing more than just occasional fantasy fulfilled. He needs constant new. I gave him a false sense of stability even though he already has it with the other woman.
I am not his, he is not mine. He never was mine and he never will be. This is the beginning of a real end.
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