I have been crying, a lot.
I have finally recognized the three people that make into the three independent me.
1. The all together mother wife daughter hard working professional with little to no issues. Loved by many.
2. The oversexualized sex symbol who will seduce and entertain men and women and explore the city's many fringe culture and be as comfortable as fish in water
3. The abandoned little girl who was not loved by her parents, who was crying and heart broken, at age 11, already suffered rape and molestation, despite her good grades, she was left at a military hospital all alone, her father, physically and emotionally abusive, volatile, and a serial womanizer.
The broken hearted 11 year old is the one who plays a dominant role with B. She bends backwards for him, she will do anything to be loved by him. She wants a different outcome than her 11year old self, she wants B to see it, stop deceiving her and love her back like she deserved to be loved back.
I cried in the car, I kept on saying, "I need to leave, I need to leave, I need to leave." I am staying with these thoughts because there may be something at the end of this. I am telling myself I have to leave B. The only way to break the pattern of loss, deception, hurt, damage, and sadness is for me to walk away. Where I could not walk away as a 11 year old little girl, seeking her father's approval, having her idol be gone all of sudden, where her father failed to love her back, where my father failed to protect her and yet, as a child, she cold not leave my father on her own intuition.... I am repeating it, again and again. I must leave B, I must leave B to stop the pattern.
Perhaps the freedom I will gain from leaving B for good, to stop loving him, to finally not care about anything he said, to finally no longer worried about who would take him away from me, is the only thing to set my 11 year old self free.
I still love B, I still hope he'd say "I will be with you from now on." But I know he's already with someone else, and I cannot trust anything he says. He is more worried about the mother of his children to find out about our relationship because "she'd be so upset", than to worry about me getting upset about staying in the dark. While he tells me that he loves me and needs me to love him back, he gives very very little in return, attention, affection, and the most agonizing piece of all, the lack of time. I have always a future with him, he never put me on his priority list. he has demonstrated over and over again he did not love me, in fact the only time he had for me was an hour, half an hour, stolen moments where he could get his rocks off and then he was done with me. The time he has given me are getting increasingly rare as he continues his pursuit of newer women, and retaining his family and work life. I had asked for one thing and one thing only, a brunch for my last Christmas. It never came. A weekend away, it never came. It will never come because he does not give much thoughts about me, despite his words of "I love you's" and his empty promises, I serve nothing but a sex toy. In those moments, to cope with that disappointment I end up reverting to the second version of me, the one who is oversexualized and simply want to please men. That was how I coped it all along.
The time he allocated for me was getting less and less, and every night he went back to her house, and every night he stayed there. He was not in fact just taking care of their children together, he was in fact having a full on relationship with his real girlfriend and the love of his life. He was not interested in me, he has long set me aside as a replaceable toy and that was where everything ends and everything starts.
I have to say goodbye to break the pattern of abuse and neglect. I cannot and should not love him. I must leave him like he never existed in my life. I thought that I could will a different outcome if I just showed him how much I loved, adored and admired him, he would love me back in a way I deserve to be loved back. I thought by being with him I could save that 11 year old. But, I thought wrong. I need to leave him, to not save the 11 year old but to let her die. She has to in order for me to take a stronger presence in this present life.
I may linger a bit as the over sexualized person I was, in his life, but that eventually will end too.
I have figured out the root cause, now it's about reflection and final execution.
Goodbye must be said to the little girl, when I close that door, the other door will open. I know it. I'm hopeful.
Goodbye B. I cannot and will not say this to you, but you have been a total asshole and manipulative, deceptive, cheating bastard. You are the pure reflection of my father when he was your age, and I'm done with you.
I have finally recognized the three people that make into the three independent me.
1. The all together mother wife daughter hard working professional with little to no issues. Loved by many.
2. The oversexualized sex symbol who will seduce and entertain men and women and explore the city's many fringe culture and be as comfortable as fish in water
3. The abandoned little girl who was not loved by her parents, who was crying and heart broken, at age 11, already suffered rape and molestation, despite her good grades, she was left at a military hospital all alone, her father, physically and emotionally abusive, volatile, and a serial womanizer.
The broken hearted 11 year old is the one who plays a dominant role with B. She bends backwards for him, she will do anything to be loved by him. She wants a different outcome than her 11year old self, she wants B to see it, stop deceiving her and love her back like she deserved to be loved back.
I cried in the car, I kept on saying, "I need to leave, I need to leave, I need to leave." I am staying with these thoughts because there may be something at the end of this. I am telling myself I have to leave B. The only way to break the pattern of loss, deception, hurt, damage, and sadness is for me to walk away. Where I could not walk away as a 11 year old little girl, seeking her father's approval, having her idol be gone all of sudden, where her father failed to love her back, where my father failed to protect her and yet, as a child, she cold not leave my father on her own intuition.... I am repeating it, again and again. I must leave B, I must leave B to stop the pattern.
Perhaps the freedom I will gain from leaving B for good, to stop loving him, to finally not care about anything he said, to finally no longer worried about who would take him away from me, is the only thing to set my 11 year old self free.
I still love B, I still hope he'd say "I will be with you from now on." But I know he's already with someone else, and I cannot trust anything he says. He is more worried about the mother of his children to find out about our relationship because "she'd be so upset", than to worry about me getting upset about staying in the dark. While he tells me that he loves me and needs me to love him back, he gives very very little in return, attention, affection, and the most agonizing piece of all, the lack of time. I have always a future with him, he never put me on his priority list. he has demonstrated over and over again he did not love me, in fact the only time he had for me was an hour, half an hour, stolen moments where he could get his rocks off and then he was done with me. The time he has given me are getting increasingly rare as he continues his pursuit of newer women, and retaining his family and work life. I had asked for one thing and one thing only, a brunch for my last Christmas. It never came. A weekend away, it never came. It will never come because he does not give much thoughts about me, despite his words of "I love you's" and his empty promises, I serve nothing but a sex toy. In those moments, to cope with that disappointment I end up reverting to the second version of me, the one who is oversexualized and simply want to please men. That was how I coped it all along.
The time he allocated for me was getting less and less, and every night he went back to her house, and every night he stayed there. He was not in fact just taking care of their children together, he was in fact having a full on relationship with his real girlfriend and the love of his life. He was not interested in me, he has long set me aside as a replaceable toy and that was where everything ends and everything starts.
I have to say goodbye to break the pattern of abuse and neglect. I cannot and should not love him. I must leave him like he never existed in my life. I thought that I could will a different outcome if I just showed him how much I loved, adored and admired him, he would love me back in a way I deserve to be loved back. I thought by being with him I could save that 11 year old. But, I thought wrong. I need to leave him, to not save the 11 year old but to let her die. She has to in order for me to take a stronger presence in this present life.
I may linger a bit as the over sexualized person I was, in his life, but that eventually will end too.
I have figured out the root cause, now it's about reflection and final execution.
Goodbye must be said to the little girl, when I close that door, the other door will open. I know it. I'm hopeful.
Goodbye B. I cannot and will not say this to you, but you have been a total asshole and manipulative, deceptive, cheating bastard. You are the pure reflection of my father when he was your age, and I'm done with you.
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