Once in a while, I wondered if B was simply creating an illusion for me to believe. In that I think he actually has never changed and will never change. I'm one of his several women that he saw, and that he was perpetually trying to one up me.
This thought crossed my mind from time to time because it's difficult for me to believe what he felt about me, said about me, was true when he dismissed me just as much as he claimed that he loved me.
In those days where I tried to find an answer, I failed. Because I think I didn't want to know the answer. In some cases, I tried to let him go, so I dated other men. I had sex with them. It worked. Until it did not. Men tend to want something more. They liked it when I acted that I was into it, they found it disturbing when I could not relate to them at an emotional level. It was easy to shut down when people wanted to access a part of me that was not accessible to them. I made it so because men often bored me. They all did. Sexually and otherwise. It was difficult to find a true connection. Sexually I had fun, but even then it felt forced. I had to manufacture emotions. I liked new crop of men, by the time I started to re-date again in my late 30s, I was getting access to a lot of them, but the issue was not access, the issue was connection.
Men were not as smart as I was bored me, quickly. Men who were good in bed had very limited range, and the moment they realized that they could never have me emotionally they started to panic, plot a different way to lure me in, or simply got angry or passive aggressive with me. And I left them.
The issue was not accessibility to men, the issue was conflict mitigation. I never wanted anyone to access me emotionally, except B. And the reason that happened was that I thought he was incapable of feeling anything, and therefore by me opening up to him it would not create any issues because it was one way street. He would not feel a thing about me. And I was therefore willing to share my emotions and thoughts. He would never love me. It was going to be just a one way street. Until he did. To my surprised, he seemed to have feelings. And that scared me.
By the month of June last year I hit a wall. I was stretched too thin. I had men demanding my time, I was having too much of a high and low, and I did not know what was going on but I was getting dizzy all the time. I was so stressed out mentally that the high resulted from sleeping with other men while still being in love with B did not compare the low I felt from feeling betraying B, or not loving him as much as I thought I did. In the end, I asked myself: "How could you love B when you just came like you've never come before with another man's cock inside of you?"
At some point, being with another man became a burden. And I was losing myself and B at the same time. So one day, it just stopped. There was no longer sex in my life, including B. Days and nights became hollow. Men who wanted something from me had a diminishing effect in my life. I was not interested in any of them. I was getting bored.
Eventually, by September I saw B again, we were rather casual and he was rather absent. For months and months we danced around the subject of love. He told me that he loved me and I told him that I loved him, by the spring of 2014 it felt solidified, yet, I began to doubt him.
I began to think that he was playing with me and I was going to get hurt again. Worse, I thought I might get bored.
I fantasized about asking him - "Should we break up? Now that we love each other, wouldn't this be a perfect way to end it? I would never love another like I have loved you. You love me. It's the perfect story. It will be a perfect ending to a perfect love story. Let's preserve this moment. Please, let me go. This time. For good."
I rehearsed that speech in my head often that I think he could hear me.
When I was upset with him last February, I was walking down on Harrison that I literately heard his voice calling my name in the wind. The same way Jane Eyre heard of Mr. Rochester calling out her name, I heard him. It was then, quite coincidentally, that same evening I got his text message. I sensed him. He sensed me. He needed me as much I needed him.
I often felt a sharp knife puncturing my heart when I thought of him. I often wondered why he would never want to take me out on a day date, and I often wondered if he had many women that he fucked and I was one of his many.
When I thought that I could lose hope in the matter, I terminated my longing for him by switching my emotions off and turning on that rational asexual being. In that mode I stopped feeling. I saw the other sensitive me crying as I saw the new me rising. The new me was dismissive and unrelentingly business oriented. She had no sexual life and she was going to be okay with it.
In the office I work now, there is a man who often stared at me. He did not wear a ring, he's in his mid 40s. He stared at me and often did not say a word. I sometimes returned his stare. It was becoming a game. I was always involved in my own thoughts. When I walked around him, I'd feel his stare burning. I would look up and there he was. I never spoke to him. A man I met during my interviews lived in the south bay, he was interesting and smart. And he liked me. A man I met at a party sometimes would write to me, about possibly meet up for coffee.
I have not responded to any of them.
I terminated my relationship with someone for good last week. I did not even want to talk to him or be his friend. I deleted his cell phone. He wanted me to not be with B. He had no right. I broke off many friendships over B with men who seemed to be threatened by the relationship.
I often wondered if I'd be in this perpetual longing and searching for something new and if the only way to curb that longing is through temporary fixes.
I wondered because I fear intimacy, commitment and long term emotional and sexual relationships. B was the longest emotional and sexual relationship I'd ever had, and it was always dysfunctional, from the get go. And if that was not a sign of fuck up, then I don't know what would be.
Should I quit this relationship while I'm in love with B? Should I leave when there is no way but down from here on out? Should I leave B before it would get boring?
This thought crossed my mind from time to time because it's difficult for me to believe what he felt about me, said about me, was true when he dismissed me just as much as he claimed that he loved me.
In those days where I tried to find an answer, I failed. Because I think I didn't want to know the answer. In some cases, I tried to let him go, so I dated other men. I had sex with them. It worked. Until it did not. Men tend to want something more. They liked it when I acted that I was into it, they found it disturbing when I could not relate to them at an emotional level. It was easy to shut down when people wanted to access a part of me that was not accessible to them. I made it so because men often bored me. They all did. Sexually and otherwise. It was difficult to find a true connection. Sexually I had fun, but even then it felt forced. I had to manufacture emotions. I liked new crop of men, by the time I started to re-date again in my late 30s, I was getting access to a lot of them, but the issue was not access, the issue was connection.
Men were not as smart as I was bored me, quickly. Men who were good in bed had very limited range, and the moment they realized that they could never have me emotionally they started to panic, plot a different way to lure me in, or simply got angry or passive aggressive with me. And I left them.
The issue was not accessibility to men, the issue was conflict mitigation. I never wanted anyone to access me emotionally, except B. And the reason that happened was that I thought he was incapable of feeling anything, and therefore by me opening up to him it would not create any issues because it was one way street. He would not feel a thing about me. And I was therefore willing to share my emotions and thoughts. He would never love me. It was going to be just a one way street. Until he did. To my surprised, he seemed to have feelings. And that scared me.
By the month of June last year I hit a wall. I was stretched too thin. I had men demanding my time, I was having too much of a high and low, and I did not know what was going on but I was getting dizzy all the time. I was so stressed out mentally that the high resulted from sleeping with other men while still being in love with B did not compare the low I felt from feeling betraying B, or not loving him as much as I thought I did. In the end, I asked myself: "How could you love B when you just came like you've never come before with another man's cock inside of you?"
At some point, being with another man became a burden. And I was losing myself and B at the same time. So one day, it just stopped. There was no longer sex in my life, including B. Days and nights became hollow. Men who wanted something from me had a diminishing effect in my life. I was not interested in any of them. I was getting bored.
Eventually, by September I saw B again, we were rather casual and he was rather absent. For months and months we danced around the subject of love. He told me that he loved me and I told him that I loved him, by the spring of 2014 it felt solidified, yet, I began to doubt him.
I began to think that he was playing with me and I was going to get hurt again. Worse, I thought I might get bored.
I fantasized about asking him - "Should we break up? Now that we love each other, wouldn't this be a perfect way to end it? I would never love another like I have loved you. You love me. It's the perfect story. It will be a perfect ending to a perfect love story. Let's preserve this moment. Please, let me go. This time. For good."
I rehearsed that speech in my head often that I think he could hear me.
When I was upset with him last February, I was walking down on Harrison that I literately heard his voice calling my name in the wind. The same way Jane Eyre heard of Mr. Rochester calling out her name, I heard him. It was then, quite coincidentally, that same evening I got his text message. I sensed him. He sensed me. He needed me as much I needed him.
I often felt a sharp knife puncturing my heart when I thought of him. I often wondered why he would never want to take me out on a day date, and I often wondered if he had many women that he fucked and I was one of his many.
When I thought that I could lose hope in the matter, I terminated my longing for him by switching my emotions off and turning on that rational asexual being. In that mode I stopped feeling. I saw the other sensitive me crying as I saw the new me rising. The new me was dismissive and unrelentingly business oriented. She had no sexual life and she was going to be okay with it.
In the office I work now, there is a man who often stared at me. He did not wear a ring, he's in his mid 40s. He stared at me and often did not say a word. I sometimes returned his stare. It was becoming a game. I was always involved in my own thoughts. When I walked around him, I'd feel his stare burning. I would look up and there he was. I never spoke to him. A man I met during my interviews lived in the south bay, he was interesting and smart. And he liked me. A man I met at a party sometimes would write to me, about possibly meet up for coffee.
I have not responded to any of them.
I terminated my relationship with someone for good last week. I did not even want to talk to him or be his friend. I deleted his cell phone. He wanted me to not be with B. He had no right. I broke off many friendships over B with men who seemed to be threatened by the relationship.
I often wondered if I'd be in this perpetual longing and searching for something new and if the only way to curb that longing is through temporary fixes.
I wondered because I fear intimacy, commitment and long term emotional and sexual relationships. B was the longest emotional and sexual relationship I'd ever had, and it was always dysfunctional, from the get go. And if that was not a sign of fuck up, then I don't know what would be.
Should I quit this relationship while I'm in love with B? Should I leave when there is no way but down from here on out? Should I leave B before it would get boring?
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