Had not seen my friend R for a long time, a year and half, when he first got involved with his girlfriend, now ex, we stopped hanging out, I don't know what is wrong with men, but they stop doing things with women friends when they get involved with their girlfriends, and they resurface when they are no longer with their SOs. I was disappointed with his disappearance but I realized that it was his attempt to start a normal life. I've known him for 11 years, we've always been friends, and like most friendships I have with men, I don't get involved with them physically because I know it complicates things, in my case, men became needy and want more than I can give emotionally. It never fails. So while I like friends with men I do not want to get involved with them physically. In return, I become their confidant. They tell me things that they would not bring up even to their closest friends. They all seem to struggle with relationship with women, they all seem to want to sleep with multiple women but they are torn between their obligations and their desires. I gave R my perspective on things. I know that he is addicted to sex. I know that he wants to sleep with multiple people, and that's at the core a normal thing. I told him to find someone who would be okay with it, and in the meanwhile do what he needs to do and be who he really is.
He was surprised by how calm I was about everything. Gone was the manic person who was obsessed with B, gone was the anxious person who was always talking about meeting other men to offset the feeling she had for B, gone was the person who went out every night and did not remember anything. Now I was articulate, methodical, and calm. He was surprised. He was impressed.
I had done a lot of inner work for the last year and half. The thing I learned was while I loved romance and I loved to be loved, I cannot force myself to love others. When I think about B, my heart still hurts. I know it's possible that I've reached my end in the romance journey. He was it. He was the best I could do. I could fall in love with him every day, yet I do not feel that I could be loved back the way I deserve to be loved back, I ought to be loved back, and that was going to be the way how this relationship works. I wanted to know if there is a way out of it, I don't know yet. I want to turn in my resignation and tell him that I can't do this any more but I do not know where to go from here. I know that I shall never meet a guy who I am going to be as attracted to, and who I could love the way I do for B, yet I do not know if B could give me the things I want. I am no longer manic because my heart has been broken one too many times. I become wise as a result. I carry a permanent sadness masked as confidence and wisdom. I am good at giving advice to all of my friends, in return I attract a lot of people. I mean A LOT of people. They all want to be in my inner circles. They all want to love me and be with me and give me more and more just to be with me, but instead I become aloof, nonchalant, and yet they did not care. They just want to be part of my life, my inner circle, so that they wish that part of my calm could be rubbed off on them.
What they do not know is that how hard I have worked to get here. I worked hard because I had no choice. My love and desire for B was overshadowed by B's disregard for me. I had always thought that one day he could wake up and love me the way I want to be loved, and deserve to be loved, but instead I find myself permanently circling at the beginning. I did not give up. I continued pursuing my relationship with B. I know that my love for him will eventually burn out. I know that he would grow tired of me. And I know I will stop trying. And when that ends, all is over. All is gone.
He was surprised by how calm I was about everything. Gone was the manic person who was obsessed with B, gone was the anxious person who was always talking about meeting other men to offset the feeling she had for B, gone was the person who went out every night and did not remember anything. Now I was articulate, methodical, and calm. He was surprised. He was impressed.
I had done a lot of inner work for the last year and half. The thing I learned was while I loved romance and I loved to be loved, I cannot force myself to love others. When I think about B, my heart still hurts. I know it's possible that I've reached my end in the romance journey. He was it. He was the best I could do. I could fall in love with him every day, yet I do not feel that I could be loved back the way I deserve to be loved back, I ought to be loved back, and that was going to be the way how this relationship works. I wanted to know if there is a way out of it, I don't know yet. I want to turn in my resignation and tell him that I can't do this any more but I do not know where to go from here. I know that I shall never meet a guy who I am going to be as attracted to, and who I could love the way I do for B, yet I do not know if B could give me the things I want. I am no longer manic because my heart has been broken one too many times. I become wise as a result. I carry a permanent sadness masked as confidence and wisdom. I am good at giving advice to all of my friends, in return I attract a lot of people. I mean A LOT of people. They all want to be in my inner circles. They all want to love me and be with me and give me more and more just to be with me, but instead I become aloof, nonchalant, and yet they did not care. They just want to be part of my life, my inner circle, so that they wish that part of my calm could be rubbed off on them.
What they do not know is that how hard I have worked to get here. I worked hard because I had no choice. My love and desire for B was overshadowed by B's disregard for me. I had always thought that one day he could wake up and love me the way I want to be loved, and deserve to be loved, but instead I find myself permanently circling at the beginning. I did not give up. I continued pursuing my relationship with B. I know that my love for him will eventually burn out. I know that he would grow tired of me. And I know I will stop trying. And when that ends, all is over. All is gone.
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