I fell in love once before this time. I recall the day I fell out of love. He looked quite a bit like B. He was 8 years older than me. I was 22 and he was 30. He was born in September.
I had never loved anyone like I did him. When he betrayed me, I was upset but I couldn't possibly just stop loving him. So I took my time. I let it sit. I continued like nothing had happened. I even talked about my issues with him. It seemed that we were getting closer and growing closer. I even went with him on a nice holiday to Jamaica. He proposed. I did not say no.
I loved him like we could restart after his betrayal. I loved him like there was no other way. But when I was apart from him, I grieved and cried and I sought others for distraction. Eventually, I stopped crying. I stopped feeling sad about it all. I stopped wanting to be with him. And one day the hurt stopped. I cauterized the wound. And when I was finally read, I told him. I remembered telling him that it was time to move on, and he thought we'd be together forever. He told me that he loved me and no other. I told him that it's time.
It always takes me a lot longer to get over someone.
I had cried and cried. I had felt sorry for myself. I thought I could be taken back. I thought there was no other way.
And one day I woke up I stopped grieving and starting to live.
I feel now that's the eventual outcome between B and me. I can feel it. He' the only adult love I have ever felt. I began to believe that I could never find someone to love me back. I began to believe B would never love me back the way I deserve to be loved. Then I started to believe B was using me. I stopped having hope. I cried over the loss of hope. I no longer see a future with B. I could no longer imagine being with B. He had hurt me so much so, that now it's all just inertia at work.
I told B that I no longer believe that person who could love me the way I want to be loved back existed. I stopped believing in him. I have lost faith in him and me. I no longer believed that he could give me what I wanted. I lost innocence once again. When all hope is gone, the only thing I could feel is calmness. It really is anti climatic. I had carried so much sorrow, so much sadness when the first love and I broke up. For years I could never recover. I was finally at a place where I could feel again. B brought all of that back and then just like the first man he destroyed it all. Now I have no hope no more additional sadness. Grieving is a lengthy process.
We must go on. At some point. That girl who loved once and then twice has died. What's left is a rational, highly productive person who's life is no longer complicated or filled with dream. It's all just reality show. No one needs to know, all of the sadness, one day it'll be all gone too.
I had never loved anyone like I did him. When he betrayed me, I was upset but I couldn't possibly just stop loving him. So I took my time. I let it sit. I continued like nothing had happened. I even talked about my issues with him. It seemed that we were getting closer and growing closer. I even went with him on a nice holiday to Jamaica. He proposed. I did not say no.
I loved him like we could restart after his betrayal. I loved him like there was no other way. But when I was apart from him, I grieved and cried and I sought others for distraction. Eventually, I stopped crying. I stopped feeling sad about it all. I stopped wanting to be with him. And one day the hurt stopped. I cauterized the wound. And when I was finally read, I told him. I remembered telling him that it was time to move on, and he thought we'd be together forever. He told me that he loved me and no other. I told him that it's time.
It always takes me a lot longer to get over someone.
I had cried and cried. I had felt sorry for myself. I thought I could be taken back. I thought there was no other way.
And one day I woke up I stopped grieving and starting to live.
I feel now that's the eventual outcome between B and me. I can feel it. He' the only adult love I have ever felt. I began to believe that I could never find someone to love me back. I began to believe B would never love me back the way I deserve to be loved. Then I started to believe B was using me. I stopped having hope. I cried over the loss of hope. I no longer see a future with B. I could no longer imagine being with B. He had hurt me so much so, that now it's all just inertia at work.
I told B that I no longer believe that person who could love me the way I want to be loved back existed. I stopped believing in him. I have lost faith in him and me. I no longer believed that he could give me what I wanted. I lost innocence once again. When all hope is gone, the only thing I could feel is calmness. It really is anti climatic. I had carried so much sorrow, so much sadness when the first love and I broke up. For years I could never recover. I was finally at a place where I could feel again. B brought all of that back and then just like the first man he destroyed it all. Now I have no hope no more additional sadness. Grieving is a lengthy process.
We must go on. At some point. That girl who loved once and then twice has died. What's left is a rational, highly productive person who's life is no longer complicated or filled with dream. It's all just reality show. No one needs to know, all of the sadness, one day it'll be all gone too.
No comments:
Post a Comment