He came over. Unexpectedly. She wrote him off. Finally she wrote him off. Like he did not exist. But he did, and she knew it too.
She had wanted to tell him this:
"I loved you. With all my heart. I thought I wanted a future with you. I thought if I just tried hard enough, I'd win you over. Like you'd be mine, completely. We'd have a future. But I've tried three plus years, I have tried, over and over again, but I failed. I have never loved another man like I have you; I have never tried as hard as I have you, yet here we are. All broken. I'm broken. I cannot be put back again. My heart is permanently broken. If I had felt any sense of weakness in wanting to still be with you, I remind myself how betrayed I felt when I learned that the week I wanted to go to you, to spend it with you, and to celebrate your birthday with you in another town, you instead shacked up some other woman you don't even care, and had sex with her over and over again. After I've sent a bouquet of fruits and chocolate, delivered to your work. After you've sent me video of you opening it and be delighted by it, yet, you fucked another woman. All week. You told me that. After, many months after. You hid the fact you had another child, I get all that. I understand why you did not tell me now. I asked you if you'd be willing to introduce me to your child's mother. You told me that she'd be devastated. What about me? Do you think I have no feelings? Do you ever consider that I might be devastated too? Do you even care at all about me? Do you think you could just betray me over and over again and expect me to take you back and love you unconditionally? Everyone's got a limit. I have reached mine. That's why I fell back. I had nothing, no hope, no expectation of you. I always love you. You are my first true love. I love you like you are my own skin and bones. I love you and I'd do anything for you. But I cannot suffer any more. So I severed the emotional me from the rational me. I had to let go of all my hopes. There is nothing left but the day to day, the occasionally booty call, the occasionally passion, the little bit of staying together, naked, in bed, and pretend everything is a-okay. I've given it some thoughts, I've concluded I don't deserve to be loved the way I need to be loved. I don't deserve it. There is no one out there for me. I don't want you like I used to want you either. I want nothing from you. I will focus on things that I can control. Things I can improve on my own. There is no beginning. And there is no end. I'm fine with it now. I'd like to stay that way."
But she gave him a different version of it. A much lighter version.
He hugged her, naked, in bed, he said, "I love you. I love you. I adore you. I will never get enough of your body. I will always want to fuck you. Even when you are old. I love your body. Your scent. You have a scent. Around your neck. It's sweet. I like it. That's how your pussy tastes. I like that too."
She does not understand why that is. She has been told that she had a scent. He liked hers. He misses hers. She missed the way he smelled too. She knew, deep down, this is the only man who would transform the way she smelled. He was a good that way. He brought the best part of her out, and he brought the worst part of her out as well.
He wished that they were never apart. When they were younger, they dated, but then they drifted apart until 15 years later. She told him, "I know why. You told me that you'd see me in two days, but you never called me. I was young. I had options. So I wrote you off." He said, "It was because something came up." She said, "No. I was warned of you. You were a player. I didn't want my heart to be broken. So I never followed up with you. I just decided it was time to move on."
They lay there afterwards. All spent and satisfied. He then had to get up to leave. She asked what he was doing this weekend. He said that just work. Kids stuff.
She was leaving for work the next day. She wished that he could come. He then leaves the following week. For the same state.
She did not to ask him when they'd see each other again. She knew better to have any hopes at all. She knew also time has come to pull back like she once did in her twenties. Except this time is harder. But at the same time, she understands herself more to know she's much more deliberate this time.
For she fell in love with man and he was her first love. But first love is just that. It's the first but very rarely the last. She knew that as well.
She had wanted to tell him this:
"I loved you. With all my heart. I thought I wanted a future with you. I thought if I just tried hard enough, I'd win you over. Like you'd be mine, completely. We'd have a future. But I've tried three plus years, I have tried, over and over again, but I failed. I have never loved another man like I have you; I have never tried as hard as I have you, yet here we are. All broken. I'm broken. I cannot be put back again. My heart is permanently broken. If I had felt any sense of weakness in wanting to still be with you, I remind myself how betrayed I felt when I learned that the week I wanted to go to you, to spend it with you, and to celebrate your birthday with you in another town, you instead shacked up some other woman you don't even care, and had sex with her over and over again. After I've sent a bouquet of fruits and chocolate, delivered to your work. After you've sent me video of you opening it and be delighted by it, yet, you fucked another woman. All week. You told me that. After, many months after. You hid the fact you had another child, I get all that. I understand why you did not tell me now. I asked you if you'd be willing to introduce me to your child's mother. You told me that she'd be devastated. What about me? Do you think I have no feelings? Do you ever consider that I might be devastated too? Do you even care at all about me? Do you think you could just betray me over and over again and expect me to take you back and love you unconditionally? Everyone's got a limit. I have reached mine. That's why I fell back. I had nothing, no hope, no expectation of you. I always love you. You are my first true love. I love you like you are my own skin and bones. I love you and I'd do anything for you. But I cannot suffer any more. So I severed the emotional me from the rational me. I had to let go of all my hopes. There is nothing left but the day to day, the occasionally booty call, the occasionally passion, the little bit of staying together, naked, in bed, and pretend everything is a-okay. I've given it some thoughts, I've concluded I don't deserve to be loved the way I need to be loved. I don't deserve it. There is no one out there for me. I don't want you like I used to want you either. I want nothing from you. I will focus on things that I can control. Things I can improve on my own. There is no beginning. And there is no end. I'm fine with it now. I'd like to stay that way."
But she gave him a different version of it. A much lighter version.
He hugged her, naked, in bed, he said, "I love you. I love you. I adore you. I will never get enough of your body. I will always want to fuck you. Even when you are old. I love your body. Your scent. You have a scent. Around your neck. It's sweet. I like it. That's how your pussy tastes. I like that too."
She does not understand why that is. She has been told that she had a scent. He liked hers. He misses hers. She missed the way he smelled too. She knew, deep down, this is the only man who would transform the way she smelled. He was a good that way. He brought the best part of her out, and he brought the worst part of her out as well.
He wished that they were never apart. When they were younger, they dated, but then they drifted apart until 15 years later. She told him, "I know why. You told me that you'd see me in two days, but you never called me. I was young. I had options. So I wrote you off." He said, "It was because something came up." She said, "No. I was warned of you. You were a player. I didn't want my heart to be broken. So I never followed up with you. I just decided it was time to move on."
They lay there afterwards. All spent and satisfied. He then had to get up to leave. She asked what he was doing this weekend. He said that just work. Kids stuff.
She was leaving for work the next day. She wished that he could come. He then leaves the following week. For the same state.
She did not to ask him when they'd see each other again. She knew better to have any hopes at all. She knew also time has come to pull back like she once did in her twenties. Except this time is harder. But at the same time, she understands herself more to know she's much more deliberate this time.
For she fell in love with man and he was her first love. But first love is just that. It's the first but very rarely the last. She knew that as well.
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