I've officially sunk into a depression. Call it depression or an awakening, I don't care. but I no longer hold any hope. When you finally let your heart die, it is never a quick death, it's a slow and uneventful death, when you stop hoping, when you realize that there is nothing left for you, but to move on, to try to figure out what it is that you want, then you realize there is not much else out there after all.
Gone were your sexual intrigues, gone were your adventures, gone were your enthusiasms, gone were your faith. You have saturated your life, you yearn nothing, you wish for nothing, gone were the rest of this world. Gone were your ways, gone were your life, gone were the reason you were alive.
I always thought that if and when I stop loving him, I would die and wither, but I did none of that. It just ended. Like if I don't ever see him again, or write to him again, or hear from him again, I'd be okay.
I have done everything I could, and loved him and I got nothing in return. He was no one that I had recognized, and I was no one that I could recognize.
Days become weeks, weeks become months, and eventually months become years.
Life is like this. One moment, I'd do anything for that person, one moment, you could hardly recognize who you were, and who he was.
My sadness is so profound that I could not function in public, but I enjoyed 1:1 interface.
Enter T. T was an interesting person. He's a lot like M in some ways. I found solace in my interaction with T. I like sleeping with him. We do walks. Long walks in Inner Richmond, eating out or just walking. Going to the beach. Ocean beach. He plays music. He has a lot of friends. He introduced me to his friends. They like me. They were happy for him. He was happy to have me. They think I'm good for him and good to him. I even get a key to his apartment. I get to stay over whenever I want. I'm his girlfriend, for all intents and purposes. I cried in his arms, I told him everything, and I am not looking for anything, not even an exclusive relationship.
Enter N. N is like my twin. He's beautiful, and laid back, smart and unassuming. We do so much together that we might as well be married. I spend weekends with him. I talk to him on the phone. He's also tall and thin. He knows I'm not interested in a relationship but we still hang out.
Both men and I are not physically involved. We just simply do things together.
I like that. I like that I can be who I am, and I can keep my space.
The world is not real or hopeful any more. I don't want anything from anyone. I turned off calls from other people. I have no interest in socializing with any others. I like being at home. Alone mostly. I like being left alone.
I hope to never hear from MB again. I would like to simply disappear. Like the old me never existed.
I finally learned why it was so easy for me to move on. I severe my past. I simply act like I don't remember it had ever happened. And when enough distance and time passed, when I could breathe again, I would remember that version of me, filled with hope, and thought love could last forever. Love could conquer all. Love did nothing of that sort. Love simply disappointed and hurt and destroyed that old me.
Gone were your sexual intrigues, gone were your adventures, gone were your enthusiasms, gone were your faith. You have saturated your life, you yearn nothing, you wish for nothing, gone were the rest of this world. Gone were your ways, gone were your life, gone were the reason you were alive.
I always thought that if and when I stop loving him, I would die and wither, but I did none of that. It just ended. Like if I don't ever see him again, or write to him again, or hear from him again, I'd be okay.
I have done everything I could, and loved him and I got nothing in return. He was no one that I had recognized, and I was no one that I could recognize.
Days become weeks, weeks become months, and eventually months become years.
Life is like this. One moment, I'd do anything for that person, one moment, you could hardly recognize who you were, and who he was.
My sadness is so profound that I could not function in public, but I enjoyed 1:1 interface.
Enter T. T was an interesting person. He's a lot like M in some ways. I found solace in my interaction with T. I like sleeping with him. We do walks. Long walks in Inner Richmond, eating out or just walking. Going to the beach. Ocean beach. He plays music. He has a lot of friends. He introduced me to his friends. They like me. They were happy for him. He was happy to have me. They think I'm good for him and good to him. I even get a key to his apartment. I get to stay over whenever I want. I'm his girlfriend, for all intents and purposes. I cried in his arms, I told him everything, and I am not looking for anything, not even an exclusive relationship.
Enter N. N is like my twin. He's beautiful, and laid back, smart and unassuming. We do so much together that we might as well be married. I spend weekends with him. I talk to him on the phone. He's also tall and thin. He knows I'm not interested in a relationship but we still hang out.
Both men and I are not physically involved. We just simply do things together.
I like that. I like that I can be who I am, and I can keep my space.
The world is not real or hopeful any more. I don't want anything from anyone. I turned off calls from other people. I have no interest in socializing with any others. I like being at home. Alone mostly. I like being left alone.
I hope to never hear from MB again. I would like to simply disappear. Like the old me never existed.
I finally learned why it was so easy for me to move on. I severe my past. I simply act like I don't remember it had ever happened. And when enough distance and time passed, when I could breathe again, I would remember that version of me, filled with hope, and thought love could last forever. Love could conquer all. Love did nothing of that sort. Love simply disappointed and hurt and destroyed that old me.
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