Let's just fuck

Can we skip all the messy stuff and go right to fucking? I don't want a relationship. I don't even want the word of "love" uttered. I just want to fuck. I don't want to be your girlfriend. I don't want to have all the messy stuff of meeting your friends or family. I just want to fuck you. Keep it straight and simple, with no emotional shit. I can't handle it. You can't fake it. It's just a pretense for fucking.

Why bother with it? I think we should go back to the basics. Let's fuck.

Nothing else really is important.

Nothing else will work.

Let's fuck.

Can we do that?

I don't to pretend that we need anything more.

I just want to have sex with you.

Addiction

I heard from him. Then I did not. He wanted to see me. He does not want to see me. I wanted to be with him in a way that I couldn't explain. I find it to be instinctual. I have never wanted him as much I have wanted anyone else. It's not logical. I would like to tell him that I feel this conflicted. I am scared of my emotional side of him. I am also able to shut it down just enjoy the pure sexual aspect of it.

He is my addiction. 

Cluttered thoughts

In a not so surprising move, he contacted me and wanted to see me when he landed, at midnight, on a Friday. For a couple of hours. He did not even have a full evening for me, only a couple of hours. I'm more like a call girl than his girlfriend, which, quite frankly is something I could handle. If I did not love him, and if he did not claim that he loved me back.

The inconsistency in our relationships baffles me. In part I feel in m gut that he loves me. But I want more. When you become someone's girlfriend, when the words of "I love you"s are exchanged, when you are lost in each others eyes, when you have created an illusion that the relationship could and should advance, because you love someone, and you respect them, and instead you are treated like you did not exist when a previous plan is made, and he resort back to this asshole who treats you like you were just some cheap piece of meat, and pretend everything was alright, you are conflicted.

Does he love you? Does he want to be with you? Did he just play with your head and get what he wants and leave you when he feels like it? Does he want this relationship to turn into something substantial? The real truth is somewhere in between never and possible.

But when I am in this relationship with him, I can't help but want more. Unlike my younger lover who is married and is not always available, I do not feel that I could expect the same from him. I want him to be mine and all mine. I want him to be with me and no one else. I want a future. I want to meet his friends. His family. I want to be part of him. I want to become part of him. I simply want a traditional relationship with modern twists, but I want a real relationship, like I mattered. Like I can count on him.

What I think I did wrong was that I am very good at managing expectations. I usually do not expect him to come through with things. Then he does, and he seems to be on his best behavior, like he actually does love me, and then he disappear and does not answer me when he is supposed to see me on that day, and then not want to commit on when to see me again. Meanwhile I have again in my head grown to be close to him and wanted to see him on a regular basis. The expectation is difficult to manage not because I should not have set one, but the extent of our relationship has grown from just a casual thing to a fake couplehood. Like I'm his girlfriend. If that's the case the dynamic has to change. But I know he does not want it to change. He still wants to do whatever he wants and wants me whenever he wants me and does not want me to be part of his other world, which I want desperately to enter. I want to get to know him and not just the limited bedroom side of him.

I don't know how. I think from time to time that I can manage it, but I can't.

I think from time to time that I deserve that but then he shows me just how undeserving I'm.

I don't know if I'm able to talk to him about it. I don't eve know where to start. I am so filled with sadness. I feel that my needs will never be met. And to go back to the sexual relationship is only going to work if we no longer love each other. 

No looking back

Just when I was done telling N8 about my entire past and told him that I'd never go back to BF, and that my swedish lover is still around and maybe it's time to go back to him, My phone beeped. It wass the Swede who informed me that his wife is out of town and wanted me for a visit of his second and new house.

I have not been.

I saw him just yesterday.

I never get his text.

I enjoy having fun with him.

I will never love him.

He will never tell me shit like he loves me.

I responded.

I cannot be in an emotionally distant sexless marriage, and also be in an emotionally distant sexless relationship with my BF.

Some has to give.

I am not moving on, but I can longer be that helpless person waiting for BF to love me again.

He has moved on. Or not.

But I do know that he no longer wants or desire me.

And I must move on.

I have not decided to write to him or not. But I know I have cried way too many times for him. I can longer forgive myself.

I don't know if I have strength to move on.

But I must not look back.

I cry

 cry for a past that cannot be changed, a present cannot be realized, and a future that is unattainable. I say goodbye to my past, my pain, and I say goodbye to my illusion. How do I move on? I have been stuck in this rot for the past three years, and I’ve been unable to move on. He has not changed. I fell in love with a man who cannot and will not love me back the way I deserve to be loved. A man who declares that he loves me so much that I’m his love, yet unable to make time to see me, and cannot form a relationship with me that entails any sense of normalcy. I see him every few weeks, randomly, he wants me and he does not. He does not want me more often now. I therefore do not feel desired or loved or adored. I therefore sink into depression. Yet I’m drawn to the pain, the longing, the love I have felt for no one but him, and I cannot change the fact, the reality is that I wanted to will a different outcome, and that sad abandoned little girl would be able to find a different future, and she’d be rescued. But that would never happen. When you suffer from multiple PTSD and develop multiple personality to cope with it, the scared abandoned little girl is the one you cannot wake up. When you wake up her, you lose the other persons, and you will forever feel the sorrow, eating you alive, one bite at a time. I must cry. But I must leave.

N8 said that most abuse victim cannot make a real change until they leave everything behind. And leave the person that is causing the pain. If there is anything I have learned is that my BF has caused nothing but pain. The endorphins I experienced when I’m with him is offset by the constant longing and broken promises.

There is no future with him. It’s a delusional for me to think that there could be a future. Because he had changed for me. There is none. He is no longer just a figment of my imagination. He gave me words like I love you, you are mine. He calls me his girlfriend and “my love”, but he cannot even bring himself to see me. 

No matter what his reasons are, I need to leave. i can’t say that I can’t leave I cannot return. This time is different. I must leave. I must leave when I still love him. I must leave before my world ends and the little girl is forever trapped inside of me. I must let the little girl die. I must dissolve her and start my life again. Without her this time. Without her wanting to come out and play. Without her wanting him, and hoping a future with him. 

So I cry. Each time I cry, I feel a bit of me coming back, and each time I cry, I say goodbye to the little lost girl who will never find her way home. 

travel

I caught the travel bug when I was merely three years old. We took the train from Changsha to Wuhan, from there we boarded the ship sailing up north on Yangzi river, through the three gorges and arrived in Hefei, An Hui. An Hui is to close to Shanghai, and we often visited the surrounding cities. When I was four I was sent to live with my uncle in Haerbin, the most glamorous European styled city in Manchuria. We had family in Qiqihaer, another city in Manchuria. When I was 7 I started to spend summers in Beijing and Shanghai. By the time I arrived in America at age 15, on my own, I had already felt a well seasoned traveler. My first city to visit during the spring break was New York City. I fell in love in Chinatown, Little Italy and the subway to Queens. I loved the smell, the chaos, the darkness of the sky, the different ethnicities. I thought I'd one day move there, I still think that. There are very few cities and states I've not been since then, having chosen a field that allowed me to travel.

I could mostly only related to men who traveled, no doubt it had to do with my father being away a lot when i was little, he was rarely home and he seemed to enjoy his business trips. 

Leopard print bras

I have a pair of bras leopard prints, and stockings. Black garter belt. I left in your place a year and half ago, when I returned from India, we stopped seeing each other for a bit. I wanted them back and then we got back together and I never did.

May I please have them back? I would like to take them back from you. This time for good.

I would like to have them back. I want the las piece of me, back. away from you.