In a not so surprising move, he contacted me and wanted to see me when he landed, at midnight, on a Friday. For a couple of hours. He did not even have a full evening for me, only a couple of hours. I'm more like a call girl than his girlfriend, which, quite frankly is something I could handle. If I did not love him, and if he did not claim that he loved me back.
The inconsistency in our relationships baffles me. In part I feel in m gut that he loves me. But I want more. When you become someone's girlfriend, when the words of "I love you"s are exchanged, when you are lost in each others eyes, when you have created an illusion that the relationship could and should advance, because you love someone, and you respect them, and instead you are treated like you did not exist when a previous plan is made, and he resort back to this asshole who treats you like you were just some cheap piece of meat, and pretend everything was alright, you are conflicted.
Does he love you? Does he want to be with you? Did he just play with your head and get what he wants and leave you when he feels like it? Does he want this relationship to turn into something substantial? The real truth is somewhere in between never and possible.
But when I am in this relationship with him, I can't help but want more. Unlike my younger lover who is married and is not always available, I do not feel that I could expect the same from him. I want him to be mine and all mine. I want him to be with me and no one else. I want a future. I want to meet his friends. His family. I want to be part of him. I want to become part of him. I simply want a traditional relationship with modern twists, but I want a real relationship, like I mattered. Like I can count on him.
What I think I did wrong was that I am very good at managing expectations. I usually do not expect him to come through with things. Then he does, and he seems to be on his best behavior, like he actually does love me, and then he disappear and does not answer me when he is supposed to see me on that day, and then not want to commit on when to see me again. Meanwhile I have again in my head grown to be close to him and wanted to see him on a regular basis. The expectation is difficult to manage not because I should not have set one, but the extent of our relationship has grown from just a casual thing to a fake couplehood. Like I'm his girlfriend. If that's the case the dynamic has to change. But I know he does not want it to change. He still wants to do whatever he wants and wants me whenever he wants me and does not want me to be part of his other world, which I want desperately to enter. I want to get to know him and not just the limited bedroom side of him.
I don't know how. I think from time to time that I can manage it, but I can't.
I think from time to time that I deserve that but then he shows me just how undeserving I'm.
I don't know if I'm able to talk to him about it. I don't eve know where to start. I am so filled with sadness. I feel that my needs will never be met. And to go back to the sexual relationship is only going to work if we no longer love each other.
The inconsistency in our relationships baffles me. In part I feel in m gut that he loves me. But I want more. When you become someone's girlfriend, when the words of "I love you"s are exchanged, when you are lost in each others eyes, when you have created an illusion that the relationship could and should advance, because you love someone, and you respect them, and instead you are treated like you did not exist when a previous plan is made, and he resort back to this asshole who treats you like you were just some cheap piece of meat, and pretend everything was alright, you are conflicted.
Does he love you? Does he want to be with you? Did he just play with your head and get what he wants and leave you when he feels like it? Does he want this relationship to turn into something substantial? The real truth is somewhere in between never and possible.
But when I am in this relationship with him, I can't help but want more. Unlike my younger lover who is married and is not always available, I do not feel that I could expect the same from him. I want him to be mine and all mine. I want him to be with me and no one else. I want a future. I want to meet his friends. His family. I want to be part of him. I want to become part of him. I simply want a traditional relationship with modern twists, but I want a real relationship, like I mattered. Like I can count on him.
What I think I did wrong was that I am very good at managing expectations. I usually do not expect him to come through with things. Then he does, and he seems to be on his best behavior, like he actually does love me, and then he disappear and does not answer me when he is supposed to see me on that day, and then not want to commit on when to see me again. Meanwhile I have again in my head grown to be close to him and wanted to see him on a regular basis. The expectation is difficult to manage not because I should not have set one, but the extent of our relationship has grown from just a casual thing to a fake couplehood. Like I'm his girlfriend. If that's the case the dynamic has to change. But I know he does not want it to change. He still wants to do whatever he wants and wants me whenever he wants me and does not want me to be part of his other world, which I want desperately to enter. I want to get to know him and not just the limited bedroom side of him.
I don't know how. I think from time to time that I can manage it, but I can't.
I think from time to time that I deserve that but then he shows me just how undeserving I'm.
I don't know if I'm able to talk to him about it. I don't eve know where to start. I am so filled with sadness. I feel that my needs will never be met. And to go back to the sexual relationship is only going to work if we no longer love each other.
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