The end is near

Sometimes we have to let the time pass to feel that we could write again. Sometimes time passing was simply a way to avoid feeling, or the capturing of the feelings. For several months now I had stopped writing. I did not want to write down anything because I did not want to feel. But instead I felt like I've never felt before, rather than letting feelings be expressed through words I felt them in my heart, in that process, rather than logically processing it in my head, I had started to feel it in my heart.  What do you know? I fell in love with this man again.

And again.

And again...

Yet the problem remains that when he lets me in, he lets me partially, and then words are spoken about a future trip, a place to be together and then he does not let it happen. By failing to follow up. He suggested to come with me to Vegas and then when the dates were given to him he says nothing. He suggested for me to visit him for his birthday and then he says nothing back and told me later on that he can't accommodate that. It is as if nothing works. He wants what he wants, he says whatever he says to get me want him back and then he recoils like he often did.

And even though I understand that's his normal M.O., I keep on falling for it because I keep on thinking perhaps this time it's going to be different. But it is not.

I wrote to him this last night:

"You know me well enough to know that I'll make time and I don't care where and when to see you. I can even meet you on Friday over lunch or after work, if Wed or Thursday evening no longer works. I don't care if it's hotel or not (I don't like you spending money on hotels just to see me). I like the idea of spending more time with you, even just for coffee, or hang out with you and your son, like friends do, I don't like seeing you every few weeks on a random basis. 

I'm the world least real "girlfriend": I have never met any of your friends, spent a weekend together, gone to an event or a party together, taken off with you to anywhere, or known you outside of a restaurant or a bed. I speak to you once a year on the phone, on your birthday. Vegas, for instance, you said you wanted to go but when I give you details (several times), you do not get back to me. You know how I feel about all of this. I tell you how I feel every time I see you.

Maybe that's what you always wanted. I don't. I don't like to be the phantom girlfriend. I I want something more substantial. Unless you prefer to call me the "call girl," "the mistress," a "side relationship", a "friend with benefit." In which case I'm okay with our arrangement. 

But as long as I'm your "girlfriend", even as the world least real girlfriend, I still have feelings, and little sad face does not even begin to describe it.

Therefore, I believe a title change is warranted. "

But he does what he does, which is to tell me that I was right. He has little flexibility, his plan changes all the time, and this is what he wrote back "You're right. I have limited flexibility and frequently need to change plans and am generally unavailable and that's unfair to you. I really have very little flexibility and I wish I had more but I don't."

He knows that it's unfair, he does not give a shit. He has no time for me, and he needs to change plans generally unavailable. Like a true asshole he reveals his card. I read this message and I get chills. Like I don't know him any more. I can't believe what I was reading. There is a sense of loss, like he no longer liked me. He no longer wanted me. So I did all that I could. By asking him to forgive me and take me back.

But my heart stopped loving at that instant. It just felt hurt. Like someone squeezed the air out of my lungs, the heart stopped pumping oxygen. It starts to bleed. I start to throw up. I start to feel sick. I have never ever seen his asshole side until today. And when I did it felt a bit like he has finally won the war, the war of winning my heart. When I stopped analyzing and started falling with my head, I started to feel with my heart and just like that he came in with a knife and cut it right open.

So this is how it feels (again) to lose hope, to be lost in love, to love and to have lost.

Why is this that I could have a three year long relationship with a man who I loved so much and yet every day it felt that we are on the brink of breaking up. Why is that he never could provide me with the security I need? Why am I still hoping that he could one day change and love the way that I deserve to be loved?

Perhaps I am afraid of looking under the hood. Perhaps like most women I want a good conquest. Perhaps I have to let him go this time, once for all. 

Is this how we say goodbyes? Is this how the end is written? Is this how life ought to be? When all hopes are lost and one must pick up her pieces and start anew as if this never happened?

What about gut wrenching love? What if I could never feel this way again? What then? 

Is this really the end? Should I stop trying? Should I finally learn my lesson and leave this man once for all? 

Yes to all of the above.

Yes to everything. 

Yes to an end. Yes to a new beginning that will not be filled with romance. But I don't want to feel the pain any more.