I wrote you a long email in my head. I wrote it while I was getting a sports massage. I have crafted a letter with such careful words, emotions and it was filled with tears. I cried for an hour and forty minutes, the entire massage session I cried.
I did not cry because I blamed you for anything. I blamed me for everything. For creating a dream that was based on nothing, for wanting him to love me back so much so that all I could see was this little girl, holding her knees, bending down in a corner. She cried and cried, wanting to be loved back and she was not. She never was. She was beaten. Abused, molested, tormented, and she was left alone. I loved the feeling of sadness and longing unfulfilled by him. I love the constant on my best behavior to bring sunshine love and adoration to a man who cared very little about me but went along with the game. One moment he behaved like a real boyfriend who loved me one moment he disappeared like I never existed. I liked that. I wanted to will a different outcome from my relationship with him than the one I did live for so long. I wanted affirmation. I wanted someone to love me. I wanted someone to not love me back to treat me right because that's the only way I knew love was. He has not changed at all. I wanted something else. I wanted his love I wanted him to change I wanted him to love me back so that I could stop feeling the pain I always did since I was very little.
Once my therapist said that I had multitude of PDSD, untreated and somehow I managed to survive it all. I did not think I could. I wanted him to heal me. I loved him with so much intensity it evens cared me. I loved him because I knew he would go unaffected by my love. He was unable to feel like others did. So I practiced true love. Once I sent "Waiting" to a man whom I turned down. He said, "That's true love. It should have lasted forever. I'm sorry it did not. I don't know what to say." I love love loved loved you.
I loved like I have never loved before. I felt every breathe you took, I remembered every word uttered out of your mouth, I remember how I saw you from a distance and close by, I remembered how the world felt like a more complete place when I was with you. I remembered the last sunset I caught by your window, across the bay, the disappearing fog, the rouge, the every inch of my body filled with warmth from your touch, and the melancholy for I did not know if I'd ever see you again.
No, I never knew when 'd see you again. Even when you promised that you'd see me again the following week, I could not count on it. I never kew because I knew that was always your pattern. Your desire for me was hinged on the separation. Your love for me was conditioned on how you lusted me, if at all. You always had other women. I imagined that you lived with them when you were not with me. I imagined that your world was filled with lies and you told me very little about you so I made up the rest of your world with my imagination.
I wondered if you ever wanted to see me but I then realized that you did not, because if you did, you would have asked to see me.
So I wondered a lot of things, when I worked near you, I never saw you. When I worked away from you, I never saw you.
I lived in my own imagined bubbles because I wanted to feel again. I wanted to feel the powerful, magical, heart pounding feeling that I had only once felt when I was 22. I wanted to know what that was like. To love someone so completely that I was no longer me. To love someone because I knew he could never be accessible. For a true returned love would scare me away forever. I could not feel the real intimacy because I could not let myself be filled with anything but sorrow.
I am addicted to pain. The pain of losing you. The pain of feeling unreciprocated love. You never did love me. You lusted me and you wanted to do as you pleased with me.
For once I have no plan. I wanted to tell you that please never ever respond to any emails I sent to you. Please never ever tell me that you missed me or loved me again. Please never ever suggest to see me. Please never ever agree with me that you too wanted to see me. I'm an addict. I'm addicted to you. I have to break free. I therefore need you to disappear. Please never respond to me again. Please don't talk to me even I begged. Please never ever see me again.
I need this to end to stop my suffering. I need to be me again.
Please let this be the end. Let us say goodbye when we still loved for each other. Let us leave one another when we still remember how much we adored each other. Let me go please. Please let me go this time. For good.
I did not cry because I blamed you for anything. I blamed me for everything. For creating a dream that was based on nothing, for wanting him to love me back so much so that all I could see was this little girl, holding her knees, bending down in a corner. She cried and cried, wanting to be loved back and she was not. She never was. She was beaten. Abused, molested, tormented, and she was left alone. I loved the feeling of sadness and longing unfulfilled by him. I love the constant on my best behavior to bring sunshine love and adoration to a man who cared very little about me but went along with the game. One moment he behaved like a real boyfriend who loved me one moment he disappeared like I never existed. I liked that. I wanted to will a different outcome from my relationship with him than the one I did live for so long. I wanted affirmation. I wanted someone to love me. I wanted someone to not love me back to treat me right because that's the only way I knew love was. He has not changed at all. I wanted something else. I wanted his love I wanted him to change I wanted him to love me back so that I could stop feeling the pain I always did since I was very little.
Once my therapist said that I had multitude of PDSD, untreated and somehow I managed to survive it all. I did not think I could. I wanted him to heal me. I loved him with so much intensity it evens cared me. I loved him because I knew he would go unaffected by my love. He was unable to feel like others did. So I practiced true love. Once I sent "Waiting" to a man whom I turned down. He said, "That's true love. It should have lasted forever. I'm sorry it did not. I don't know what to say." I love love loved loved you.
I loved like I have never loved before. I felt every breathe you took, I remembered every word uttered out of your mouth, I remember how I saw you from a distance and close by, I remembered how the world felt like a more complete place when I was with you. I remembered the last sunset I caught by your window, across the bay, the disappearing fog, the rouge, the every inch of my body filled with warmth from your touch, and the melancholy for I did not know if I'd ever see you again.
No, I never knew when 'd see you again. Even when you promised that you'd see me again the following week, I could not count on it. I never kew because I knew that was always your pattern. Your desire for me was hinged on the separation. Your love for me was conditioned on how you lusted me, if at all. You always had other women. I imagined that you lived with them when you were not with me. I imagined that your world was filled with lies and you told me very little about you so I made up the rest of your world with my imagination.
I wondered if you ever wanted to see me but I then realized that you did not, because if you did, you would have asked to see me.
So I wondered a lot of things, when I worked near you, I never saw you. When I worked away from you, I never saw you.
I lived in my own imagined bubbles because I wanted to feel again. I wanted to feel the powerful, magical, heart pounding feeling that I had only once felt when I was 22. I wanted to know what that was like. To love someone so completely that I was no longer me. To love someone because I knew he could never be accessible. For a true returned love would scare me away forever. I could not feel the real intimacy because I could not let myself be filled with anything but sorrow.
I am addicted to pain. The pain of losing you. The pain of feeling unreciprocated love. You never did love me. You lusted me and you wanted to do as you pleased with me.
For once I have no plan. I wanted to tell you that please never ever respond to any emails I sent to you. Please never ever tell me that you missed me or loved me again. Please never ever suggest to see me. Please never ever agree with me that you too wanted to see me. I'm an addict. I'm addicted to you. I have to break free. I therefore need you to disappear. Please never respond to me again. Please don't talk to me even I begged. Please never ever see me again.
I need this to end to stop my suffering. I need to be me again.
Please let this be the end. Let us say goodbye when we still loved for each other. Let us leave one another when we still remember how much we adored each other. Let me go please. Please let me go this time. For good.
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