I read the story I last wrote in April, and I realized why I should not be so worked up about all this. This happened each and every time. I stopped writing. So I stopped remember. This was the original story.
Nothing is changed. He is still the same. The only way I could continue receiving his affection, as little as it may be, is for me to stay the same, demand nothing, and complain about nothing. He would always be the same.
I would always be the same. Going back and forth and for no good reason at all, asking for things that he will never give me. I would make a concession and he'd miss me and we'd reconnect and pretend nothing has ever happened.
I created a trail running log, so that I could keep on writing, keep on remembering.
I don't have anything else to add today, other than perhaps I don't just think that the end is near, the end is the end.
I'm tired of hiding.
I need help.
And I'm tired of pretending everything will be alright. It's not at all alright.
I love a man who will never give me the love I deserve. I still love him.
I don't think I can love someone who loves me back. Part of childhood issues.
Nothing is changed. Overreaction was my way to wanting things to change. But I know it won't. Then what?
I have to find a way to break free from him or try to live with it. He will want to continue having sex with me, for as long as he could, just like he does with all of his other women. What he says about how he feels is not important, he probably says the same thing to a bunch of women. Occasionally I get rotated to the center of attention, but mostly I'm just one of the few women he tucked away for sexual gratification.
A better question is then why I allow myself to stoop to that level. I'm a successful, smart and attractive person, not some overweight, subdued, dead end job holding woman.
That's one of the things I must explore.
Nothing is changed. He is still the same. The only way I could continue receiving his affection, as little as it may be, is for me to stay the same, demand nothing, and complain about nothing. He would always be the same.
I would always be the same. Going back and forth and for no good reason at all, asking for things that he will never give me. I would make a concession and he'd miss me and we'd reconnect and pretend nothing has ever happened.
I created a trail running log, so that I could keep on writing, keep on remembering.
I don't have anything else to add today, other than perhaps I don't just think that the end is near, the end is the end.
I'm tired of hiding.
I need help.
And I'm tired of pretending everything will be alright. It's not at all alright.
I love a man who will never give me the love I deserve. I still love him.
I don't think I can love someone who loves me back. Part of childhood issues.
Nothing is changed. Overreaction was my way to wanting things to change. But I know it won't. Then what?
I have to find a way to break free from him or try to live with it. He will want to continue having sex with me, for as long as he could, just like he does with all of his other women. What he says about how he feels is not important, he probably says the same thing to a bunch of women. Occasionally I get rotated to the center of attention, but mostly I'm just one of the few women he tucked away for sexual gratification.
A better question is then why I allow myself to stoop to that level. I'm a successful, smart and attractive person, not some overweight, subdued, dead end job holding woman.
That's one of the things I must explore.
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