I cry

 cry for a past that cannot be changed, a present cannot be realized, and a future that is unattainable. I say goodbye to my past, my pain, and I say goodbye to my illusion. How do I move on? I have been stuck in this rot for the past three years, and I’ve been unable to move on. He has not changed. I fell in love with a man who cannot and will not love me back the way I deserve to be loved. A man who declares that he loves me so much that I’m his love, yet unable to make time to see me, and cannot form a relationship with me that entails any sense of normalcy. I see him every few weeks, randomly, he wants me and he does not. He does not want me more often now. I therefore do not feel desired or loved or adored. I therefore sink into depression. Yet I’m drawn to the pain, the longing, the love I have felt for no one but him, and I cannot change the fact, the reality is that I wanted to will a different outcome, and that sad abandoned little girl would be able to find a different future, and she’d be rescued. But that would never happen. When you suffer from multiple PTSD and develop multiple personality to cope with it, the scared abandoned little girl is the one you cannot wake up. When you wake up her, you lose the other persons, and you will forever feel the sorrow, eating you alive, one bite at a time. I must cry. But I must leave.

N8 said that most abuse victim cannot make a real change until they leave everything behind. And leave the person that is causing the pain. If there is anything I have learned is that my BF has caused nothing but pain. The endorphins I experienced when I’m with him is offset by the constant longing and broken promises.

There is no future with him. It’s a delusional for me to think that there could be a future. Because he had changed for me. There is none. He is no longer just a figment of my imagination. He gave me words like I love you, you are mine. He calls me his girlfriend and “my love”, but he cannot even bring himself to see me. 

No matter what his reasons are, I need to leave. i can’t say that I can’t leave I cannot return. This time is different. I must leave. I must leave when I still love him. I must leave before my world ends and the little girl is forever trapped inside of me. I must let the little girl die. I must dissolve her and start my life again. Without her this time. Without her wanting to come out and play. Without her wanting him, and hoping a future with him. 

So I cry. Each time I cry, I feel a bit of me coming back, and each time I cry, I say goodbye to the little lost girl who will never find her way home.