This feels like dying - the End

He has not responded to any of my emails. My plead went unanswered. My hopes are faltering and it was those moments of despair created the clarity that I always wanted.

I have created a world of lies. A web of unreal expectations. I have met so many men in an attempt to forget or balance my feelings for him. It had not worked.

I fell in love despite the fact that I thought that I should not.

He told me that he loved me. I wanted to love him back and I did. And he just simply disappeared. It's one thing to have only gone down the path for a few months or a few years but it's another to have been through this so many times, and have definitively know that I have loved him so  and for him to treat me as if I never existed.

He left me the same way he left others. He did not care if he loved or not loved me. If our parting words were I love you's, then why could he not show me that he loved me, or at least to speak to me? 

I wondered about it. I do not have an answer. I certainly am not going to try to find an answer for him either. I want to cry. I have been crying. He knows that I cry. He does not nothing. He simply disappeared. Like I never existed, like he never existed.

Like we just met and we fucked and now it's over. Not a lengthy relationship that could stand the test of time, the challenges, the love I have felt for him. the people I have left behind for not wanting me to love him. The friends who thought that I was crazy for having loved him. Every one of them have left me. Or stopped asking questions.

So this is what's like. To feel that you are dying. Your soul has ceased to burn. Your love for someone, your hope, your dreams. 

Perhaps this is what I have always anticipated. The end that will erase it all. The end that will take me away from the dreams and hopes and passion that had kept me alive, kept my eyes bright and my thoughts lurid. You could see how I have never loved one like I have loved him. You could see that I have meant every word I said, I would have given up everything for him. Reputation family children people who loved me. Everything. 

Suppose this is what's like to feel like dying.

Suppose I need this. Suppose I should cry for a long while.

Suppose I should write to him that I must quit him. I must stop loving him and move on and live in a world without him. Without his affection, his love for me, and he will no longer be part of me.

I should live the lies I have for the rest of my life. This is the end of my journey. This is the end of my journey with him. This is the end of my life with him. 

I have nothing but pain. I can't breathe. I can't speak. I'm sinking in my sorrows. I am afraid of the world. Where is the other person the confident, successful, funny, imaginative, happy, loving person go? Would I have her back?