I had not called C. In part I didn't want to expand my existing relationship with him, in part I think I needed a mental break. I began to get obsessed with B again. I think about him often. I make shit up in my head. I imagine that he still misses me and he wants me and he needs me. I need the distance to feel that I could be me, and then I realized that in my world, only B ever mattered me. He is really the one person whom I like and love. I can't begin to feel complete if he was not in my life, whereas others I could live without.
I did my usual outing with E today. E and I try to see each other once a week. We don't usually fuck these days. We go out and have dinner and then we have a drink. Sometimes we just need to talk through his work stuff. I'm his confidant, and lover. Today we went to one of my favorite places to eat. Then we went to a park for a hike, and I realized the park looked like the hill I visited in Mysore, India. It was a gorgeous summer day in San Francisco, and I'd been wanting to come to this park for a while now. E has to work tomorrow. He's one of those hard working guys. E looks like Eric Northman from True Blood, aka Alexander Skarsgard, aka the Swedish model / actor. E is Swedish of course, he's probably got some mixed blood though he's 6'9", and very cute, and young. Soon he'll only be 7 years younger and not 8. In a month B would be 8 years older. Between the two of them, it's like 16 years apart. I date E who is 7-8 years younger, and I date B who is 7-8 years older. Seeing E is always a great thing. Because we get along well and we speak the same language in terms of business. He's a good kid. We never fight and we have known each other for a year. We met just before his last birthday. So I took him out for his birthday, he suggested a German restaurant. He knows my thing for German food. He also knows that I like Germans and Scandinavians. B is and looks German. E looks and feels Swedish. E is married and he is very close to his wife. He talks to me about him and his wife. I know how frequent they fuck. It does not bother me. E is kinky and open minded. He goes to Burning Man every year and is super smart. And he seems to have lots of lady friends. But he does not seem to have the time to date them, given that he's very married. I don't mind him doing any of it, because I know he and I have a connection and we get along well and I don't want anything from him, except, maybe companionship. E does not get so hang up on things. We have spent my birthday, new year eve and many other holidays together. It's not that I care about him, it's just that we make time for each other. And I don't get upset with anything he does, because I know we'd never fall in love.
C is relatively new. For a while we talked a lot and we spent maybe once a week together. C is a bit of a downer. I like him but I can only take him in small dosages. He's the only one who consistently brings me to orgasm. I find having sex with him is very liberating and satisfying. I tend to enjoy the way he fucks me. I also find sleeping at his place to be a bit of a chore. In part I don't love him. I don't feel much of an emotional connection. I like how smart he is and how similar he is to B. They might as well be twins. But I can't tell C nor B this. I did not choose C because he's like B, it just happened that way. I think C finds me cute and he likes me and respects me, but he knows he can't have me. I won't let him in.
I've been with B the longest. He's the only man I'd ever consider leaving my family for him. He's the most beautiful person I've ever met. I say that because to me, he's beautiful, and not necessarily to others. He is also the only person who gets me and ignites me. As much as I want to leave him, I can't. He's my drug. I'm addicted to him. I crave him too. I wish that I could understand why, but I miss him more than I miss anyone.
I still fantasizing leaving everything behind and become his and his only.
These are the three men I'm involved with.
In my mind, I have B as the person who I'm in love with and emotionally bond with, and those two guys are fulfilling my emotional and physical needs until B is ready to see me more and takes it to the next level. But I can't bank on that, I think B is only interested in me in small dosage, and he will never want me to be truly his. Because he gets bored. He will eventually leave, if he is to leave, I just hope that I can fill that void with something, someone, or if I eventually leave, I hope that I will leave without any regrets, and that I'd find solace in my future life that is free of B. But I don't want that life. I want a life with B. I fantasize a future, with only B in it.
Call me a fool. But we all have our fantasies. And my involves me leaving all the men behind and be with B.
I did my usual outing with E today. E and I try to see each other once a week. We don't usually fuck these days. We go out and have dinner and then we have a drink. Sometimes we just need to talk through his work stuff. I'm his confidant, and lover. Today we went to one of my favorite places to eat. Then we went to a park for a hike, and I realized the park looked like the hill I visited in Mysore, India. It was a gorgeous summer day in San Francisco, and I'd been wanting to come to this park for a while now. E has to work tomorrow. He's one of those hard working guys. E looks like Eric Northman from True Blood, aka Alexander Skarsgard, aka the Swedish model / actor. E is Swedish of course, he's probably got some mixed blood though he's 6'9", and very cute, and young. Soon he'll only be 7 years younger and not 8. In a month B would be 8 years older. Between the two of them, it's like 16 years apart. I date E who is 7-8 years younger, and I date B who is 7-8 years older. Seeing E is always a great thing. Because we get along well and we speak the same language in terms of business. He's a good kid. We never fight and we have known each other for a year. We met just before his last birthday. So I took him out for his birthday, he suggested a German restaurant. He knows my thing for German food. He also knows that I like Germans and Scandinavians. B is and looks German. E looks and feels Swedish. E is married and he is very close to his wife. He talks to me about him and his wife. I know how frequent they fuck. It does not bother me. E is kinky and open minded. He goes to Burning Man every year and is super smart. And he seems to have lots of lady friends. But he does not seem to have the time to date them, given that he's very married. I don't mind him doing any of it, because I know he and I have a connection and we get along well and I don't want anything from him, except, maybe companionship. E does not get so hang up on things. We have spent my birthday, new year eve and many other holidays together. It's not that I care about him, it's just that we make time for each other. And I don't get upset with anything he does, because I know we'd never fall in love.
C is relatively new. For a while we talked a lot and we spent maybe once a week together. C is a bit of a downer. I like him but I can only take him in small dosages. He's the only one who consistently brings me to orgasm. I find having sex with him is very liberating and satisfying. I tend to enjoy the way he fucks me. I also find sleeping at his place to be a bit of a chore. In part I don't love him. I don't feel much of an emotional connection. I like how smart he is and how similar he is to B. They might as well be twins. But I can't tell C nor B this. I did not choose C because he's like B, it just happened that way. I think C finds me cute and he likes me and respects me, but he knows he can't have me. I won't let him in.
I've been with B the longest. He's the only man I'd ever consider leaving my family for him. He's the most beautiful person I've ever met. I say that because to me, he's beautiful, and not necessarily to others. He is also the only person who gets me and ignites me. As much as I want to leave him, I can't. He's my drug. I'm addicted to him. I crave him too. I wish that I could understand why, but I miss him more than I miss anyone.
I still fantasizing leaving everything behind and become his and his only.
These are the three men I'm involved with.
In my mind, I have B as the person who I'm in love with and emotionally bond with, and those two guys are fulfilling my emotional and physical needs until B is ready to see me more and takes it to the next level. But I can't bank on that, I think B is only interested in me in small dosage, and he will never want me to be truly his. Because he gets bored. He will eventually leave, if he is to leave, I just hope that I can fill that void with something, someone, or if I eventually leave, I hope that I will leave without any regrets, and that I'd find solace in my future life that is free of B. But I don't want that life. I want a life with B. I fantasize a future, with only B in it.
Call me a fool. But we all have our fantasies. And my involves me leaving all the men behind and be with B.
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