Supposed to get together for a meal with E tomorrow. Have not seen that boy for a while. I have not missed him either. I called it inertia. But then again, you can graduate someone from a lover status to friend status right? I've successfully transitioned several of them. The truth is that sexual attraction is not always there for me, after a while it gets boring. I get bored.
Therefore, always need new blood. It's not hard. Men like me. I think someone at work has a crush on me. I think it's possible to be more than one. Not the engineers, they just get all scared of me, but business people. No one is going to do anything but they like me, I get that. I'm not interested in them of course. Walking towards the gym and some guy riding the elevator and walking from the garage started to talk to me. I forgot to put my wedding band on. He's cute, in a fit kind of way. Just got back from Barcelona. I like men who travel. But I didn't follow up. I had an appointment to make.
I speak to C nearly daily. C is my stable clean boyfriend. Make-believe Boyfriend. I realized that I've been seeing him since April. I thought it was longer than three months. But I must have met him early April. He does not know my other intrigues. I don't think he wants to know. He did say it would be OK but when I did ask him the specifics, he didn't want me to have other men. I wouldn't necessarily call it a fair game. I didn't want to see him exclusively. I am in fact getting bored of him. Why? Because he's always available. He acts that he does not care but I think he does care. And he's so predictable. I'm bored. Again.
E is out of the country, on vacation. First week he's in Ireland and the second week Boston. I like him. He's predictable and powerful. I like powerful men. I also like the fact that I have absolutely no intention to fall in love with him and I would never fall for him.
I think I should give B the boot. I loved him. I had a year and half long affair with him. I am not even that interested in him any more because he fails me. Over and over again he fails me. I believe that he really cannot possibly love me even if he tried. I also believe that despite his good looks, he requires validation ad harem of women to feel worthy. I refuse to take part in it.
So I think I'm doomed. All my hopes and dreams and fantasies. Down the drain.
I remember last Saturday morning, when I woke up by C, when he made me coffee and breakfast, I was so happy and content, and I thought to myself, this is it. I'll just keep C as my lover and call it a day. No more complication, no more longing, no more feeling, just one guy, and one guy only. But then I realized that I am still interested in other men. I like other men. I like the feeling of being pursued, or pursuing. I like to be surrounded by men who adore and admire me, and I like the interaction. I like the game. I like playing a role. It's not even anything complicated. It's just that I enjoy this game. I also like being at home and reading (Polyamory in 21st Century at the moment), and or hanging out with girlfriends. But I think more importantly I miss something. I don't know what it is that I miss, it's not just sex. It's passion. The passion of unknown. the passion of love. If I was to have any doubt about my current state of affairs, I go back to my old journal from February and March. I had contemplated breaking up with B for a long while and then after I did break up with him, it felt like that the world had ended, but then we sort of got back together. Yet I knew that he knew I was not just with him, and he knew that I knew he's not just with me. He continued to see other women. He was not really here for me. I knew that going in the second time. But here is the truth. He ignites me. Simple. He knew how to arouse me. Bt that's because we don't have any sort of pre-determined meeting dates. I miss him still and I don't want to.
C told me that we are programmed this way. We can't deny our emotions.
I need a new adventure. I need to meet someone new, and have a new adventure. But for now, I'll resort to child rearing, reading books, contemplating my exit strategy with B and keep my options open. After all, I'm a clever, resourceful woman who is both intelligent and attractive. Not to mention that I have pretty much everything else that I care to have. The only thing that I don't have is love.
Therefore, always need new blood. It's not hard. Men like me. I think someone at work has a crush on me. I think it's possible to be more than one. Not the engineers, they just get all scared of me, but business people. No one is going to do anything but they like me, I get that. I'm not interested in them of course. Walking towards the gym and some guy riding the elevator and walking from the garage started to talk to me. I forgot to put my wedding band on. He's cute, in a fit kind of way. Just got back from Barcelona. I like men who travel. But I didn't follow up. I had an appointment to make.
I speak to C nearly daily. C is my stable clean boyfriend. Make-believe Boyfriend. I realized that I've been seeing him since April. I thought it was longer than three months. But I must have met him early April. He does not know my other intrigues. I don't think he wants to know. He did say it would be OK but when I did ask him the specifics, he didn't want me to have other men. I wouldn't necessarily call it a fair game. I didn't want to see him exclusively. I am in fact getting bored of him. Why? Because he's always available. He acts that he does not care but I think he does care. And he's so predictable. I'm bored. Again.
E is out of the country, on vacation. First week he's in Ireland and the second week Boston. I like him. He's predictable and powerful. I like powerful men. I also like the fact that I have absolutely no intention to fall in love with him and I would never fall for him.
I think I should give B the boot. I loved him. I had a year and half long affair with him. I am not even that interested in him any more because he fails me. Over and over again he fails me. I believe that he really cannot possibly love me even if he tried. I also believe that despite his good looks, he requires validation ad harem of women to feel worthy. I refuse to take part in it.
So I think I'm doomed. All my hopes and dreams and fantasies. Down the drain.
I remember last Saturday morning, when I woke up by C, when he made me coffee and breakfast, I was so happy and content, and I thought to myself, this is it. I'll just keep C as my lover and call it a day. No more complication, no more longing, no more feeling, just one guy, and one guy only. But then I realized that I am still interested in other men. I like other men. I like the feeling of being pursued, or pursuing. I like to be surrounded by men who adore and admire me, and I like the interaction. I like the game. I like playing a role. It's not even anything complicated. It's just that I enjoy this game. I also like being at home and reading (Polyamory in 21st Century at the moment), and or hanging out with girlfriends. But I think more importantly I miss something. I don't know what it is that I miss, it's not just sex. It's passion. The passion of unknown. the passion of love. If I was to have any doubt about my current state of affairs, I go back to my old journal from February and March. I had contemplated breaking up with B for a long while and then after I did break up with him, it felt like that the world had ended, but then we sort of got back together. Yet I knew that he knew I was not just with him, and he knew that I knew he's not just with me. He continued to see other women. He was not really here for me. I knew that going in the second time. But here is the truth. He ignites me. Simple. He knew how to arouse me. Bt that's because we don't have any sort of pre-determined meeting dates. I miss him still and I don't want to.
C told me that we are programmed this way. We can't deny our emotions.
I need a new adventure. I need to meet someone new, and have a new adventure. But for now, I'll resort to child rearing, reading books, contemplating my exit strategy with B and keep my options open. After all, I'm a clever, resourceful woman who is both intelligent and attractive. Not to mention that I have pretty much everything else that I care to have. The only thing that I don't have is love.
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