I have not heard from him for some time. This isn't saying much given that there was never really any commitment, but it's an inertia. Having been with him for nearly two years and having promoted this relationship into a main side relationship in my head had completely changed the outlook of this so called relationship. In all fronts, it has become more than just a pretend make-believe, it becomes a bit real, and with real emotions and feelings. That does not mean that I want to change anything, if anything it's my own emotional adjustment that needs to be made whenever the balance is tipped.
I've been stuck in this mode forever now. I have to regulate my emotions whenever I start to feel more than I should. But in my heart I believe that I belong to him. With him. I am whole when I am with him.
The prolonged separation intensified my longing for him.
I get a text from E saying that he was sick. He was being apologetic for not seeing me - we've not seen each other for sometime but I was not really counting the days we did not see each other, in part I do't feel much about him, it's also an inertia that i continue to see him. He's fun and he makes me happy but it's always short lived.
I talk to C regularly. Because he's there and he's easy to talk to. He wants to go to the beach and watch the sunset. I protest. That's like a date. A real date that involves sunset and everything. C kicks it back to me and says "Whether it's a date or not, the sun will set." It's true. C calls me adoringly "Hi Monkey." He says that I have a squeaky voice, distinct, and he calls me "Darling" and "Monkey." When did I become someone's darling or monkey? I like that about C because he treats me like a kid. I have serious father issues and I get turned on when men treat me like a little girl. However messed up that is. C makes me things and cooks me dinner and treats me like a princess. I always had a thing for older men. it's in my DNA.
D is back. Sort of. D wants to get together but as usual he does not make a commitment but I also do not care one way or another to see him. I like him but only on a limited basis. Plus his intention with me is to have sex. I am not sure if I want that with him. Not exactly ranking high on my agenda.
I feel a sense of urgency to get together with B. He settles me. He tends to disappear and reappear. It's not clear to me that he is truly traveling a lot or if he just avoids me. I suspect a little bit of both. When I text him or call him and not get hold of him, and when he does not call me back, I begin to think he does not care about me. I sent him one more email and he then responds back and say he can't get home early enough to see me. It's an old story. It never changes.
I never pretended to know the answer. But I do know that I have some very conflicting emotions about everything. At the very least, I recognize that my feelings for B is never going to change for as long as I shall live. He's the center of my world and in this world I have decided as long as he wants me to be in his world, I will give in.
Until someone else comes along that would make a difference in this dynamic, I will likely be stuck in this mode.
I've been stuck in this mode forever now. I have to regulate my emotions whenever I start to feel more than I should. But in my heart I believe that I belong to him. With him. I am whole when I am with him.
The prolonged separation intensified my longing for him.
I get a text from E saying that he was sick. He was being apologetic for not seeing me - we've not seen each other for sometime but I was not really counting the days we did not see each other, in part I do't feel much about him, it's also an inertia that i continue to see him. He's fun and he makes me happy but it's always short lived.
I talk to C regularly. Because he's there and he's easy to talk to. He wants to go to the beach and watch the sunset. I protest. That's like a date. A real date that involves sunset and everything. C kicks it back to me and says "Whether it's a date or not, the sun will set." It's true. C calls me adoringly "Hi Monkey." He says that I have a squeaky voice, distinct, and he calls me "Darling" and "Monkey." When did I become someone's darling or monkey? I like that about C because he treats me like a kid. I have serious father issues and I get turned on when men treat me like a little girl. However messed up that is. C makes me things and cooks me dinner and treats me like a princess. I always had a thing for older men. it's in my DNA.
D is back. Sort of. D wants to get together but as usual he does not make a commitment but I also do not care one way or another to see him. I like him but only on a limited basis. Plus his intention with me is to have sex. I am not sure if I want that with him. Not exactly ranking high on my agenda.
I feel a sense of urgency to get together with B. He settles me. He tends to disappear and reappear. It's not clear to me that he is truly traveling a lot or if he just avoids me. I suspect a little bit of both. When I text him or call him and not get hold of him, and when he does not call me back, I begin to think he does not care about me. I sent him one more email and he then responds back and say he can't get home early enough to see me. It's an old story. It never changes.
I never pretended to know the answer. But I do know that I have some very conflicting emotions about everything. At the very least, I recognize that my feelings for B is never going to change for as long as I shall live. He's the center of my world and in this world I have decided as long as he wants me to be in his world, I will give in.
Until someone else comes along that would make a difference in this dynamic, I will likely be stuck in this mode.
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