My feeling for him is rather complex. He was at once distant and close. We talk more often than I do with others. I also enjoy talking to him more than I do with others, though I do not always agree with him.
There are days I talk to him, and there are days I don't. There are days where I receive a lot of emails from him and there are days I don't at all.
Ever since we stopped being physically intimate, we seem to be developing a rather intimate emotional relationship. He is more interested in speaking to me and making sexually suggestive conversations now than before, but he knows that I don't want to have sex with him. (That's not true. I do. I miss my sexual connection with him, but I can't have sex with him.)
I asked him what he was up to this weekend. He said that he did not know but he did not want to make plans. That he's not blaming me but I was a factor. I told him that I was not interested in doing things with him, and that I was busy all weekend. He was slightly caught off guard by that. But then I decided that we should probably have dinner in case he was interested since I'd be in the area. He agreed. There is something very comforting about him. Being with him is a pleasant experience. But it is not something that I had envisioned would last. I don't know, however, because I liked the communication, and I like the sexual tension but I do not like to think that one day I'd have sex with him again. It's only because things tend to get complicated and you start to expect things.
I've always been better at managing my relationships with men when the expectation is not there from the guy for me to be sexually committed or available. I don't want another relationship anymore because the last one ended badly. I can't even get a closure out of this guy because he had not agreed to see me for months on end. And he has refused to acknowledge a formal closure.
I met a guy who I really like recently. He's married. Lives in Telegraph Hill one week out of four. He's otherwise out of state. I liked that he does not live here all the time. I liked that he and I could have a nice chat. I liked that he reminded me of A. He also owns a high tech company and is very very smart. But I do not like the fact that he is somewhat distant and we do not seem to have a good enough of things in common to move onto the next stage. He did respond on a group email that was directed towards me. We sat on the shuttle bus from Stinson Beach back to Mills and chatted non stop. Mostly it was him doing the talking. I listened. We are on linkedin now. He texted me on Sunday. I did not respond until Monday as I was not interested in making it too obvious I liked him. Out of those men he was the tallest and best looking one. I saw him and I went like wow. He was the one who came to me and remembered my name. He was the one who talked to me about his days of living in Berkeley. I was surprised that he was interested in me but then again I can impress a man quickly. I just don't do things too obvious to make them think that I am that interested. I like Linkedin. It's less of a meat market and it's a broader connection. I would like to see how it progresses. With C, I was on linkedin with him for eight months before he approached me. I shall call this guy F, because his last name, initial, coincidentally, is F, and my last guy's last name started with E. You see, I think I'm destined to meet a F. Let's see if F is going to turn into something. I like having prospects. It makes life more interesting. I also like having new people around because it gives me a sense of what ifs.
I like my new adventures. I meet people a lot. I don't need to focus on one person. I got my heart trampled the last time. I will see if this progresses into something.
As for now, I will continue to be wholesome and good. Not having sex made me seeing things more clearly. It made me appreciate what I have. And having someone like him around is good. He is my safe harbor. I always knew there is a part of him that I absolutely loved. It's the part about him adoring me and wanting to be part of my life in a limited way. And we could talk non stop and having fun about it. There was the emotional connection that I couldn't get from others. I wanted that. But I will not build him up like I once did with B. I will keep my imagination away from my reality.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to have lunch with an old acquaintance. He and I had fabulous sex before. Very creative. But I don't think we'd be repeating that again. There is no one in my life now, I'm effectively single and unavailable. While I miss the feeling of high, but I do not miss the feeling of low.
There are days I talk to him, and there are days I don't. There are days where I receive a lot of emails from him and there are days I don't at all.
Ever since we stopped being physically intimate, we seem to be developing a rather intimate emotional relationship. He is more interested in speaking to me and making sexually suggestive conversations now than before, but he knows that I don't want to have sex with him. (That's not true. I do. I miss my sexual connection with him, but I can't have sex with him.)
I asked him what he was up to this weekend. He said that he did not know but he did not want to make plans. That he's not blaming me but I was a factor. I told him that I was not interested in doing things with him, and that I was busy all weekend. He was slightly caught off guard by that. But then I decided that we should probably have dinner in case he was interested since I'd be in the area. He agreed. There is something very comforting about him. Being with him is a pleasant experience. But it is not something that I had envisioned would last. I don't know, however, because I liked the communication, and I like the sexual tension but I do not like to think that one day I'd have sex with him again. It's only because things tend to get complicated and you start to expect things.
I've always been better at managing my relationships with men when the expectation is not there from the guy for me to be sexually committed or available. I don't want another relationship anymore because the last one ended badly. I can't even get a closure out of this guy because he had not agreed to see me for months on end. And he has refused to acknowledge a formal closure.
I met a guy who I really like recently. He's married. Lives in Telegraph Hill one week out of four. He's otherwise out of state. I liked that he does not live here all the time. I liked that he and I could have a nice chat. I liked that he reminded me of A. He also owns a high tech company and is very very smart. But I do not like the fact that he is somewhat distant and we do not seem to have a good enough of things in common to move onto the next stage. He did respond on a group email that was directed towards me. We sat on the shuttle bus from Stinson Beach back to Mills and chatted non stop. Mostly it was him doing the talking. I listened. We are on linkedin now. He texted me on Sunday. I did not respond until Monday as I was not interested in making it too obvious I liked him. Out of those men he was the tallest and best looking one. I saw him and I went like wow. He was the one who came to me and remembered my name. He was the one who talked to me about his days of living in Berkeley. I was surprised that he was interested in me but then again I can impress a man quickly. I just don't do things too obvious to make them think that I am that interested. I like Linkedin. It's less of a meat market and it's a broader connection. I would like to see how it progresses. With C, I was on linkedin with him for eight months before he approached me. I shall call this guy F, because his last name, initial, coincidentally, is F, and my last guy's last name started with E. You see, I think I'm destined to meet a F. Let's see if F is going to turn into something. I like having prospects. It makes life more interesting. I also like having new people around because it gives me a sense of what ifs.
I like my new adventures. I meet people a lot. I don't need to focus on one person. I got my heart trampled the last time. I will see if this progresses into something.
As for now, I will continue to be wholesome and good. Not having sex made me seeing things more clearly. It made me appreciate what I have. And having someone like him around is good. He is my safe harbor. I always knew there is a part of him that I absolutely loved. It's the part about him adoring me and wanting to be part of my life in a limited way. And we could talk non stop and having fun about it. There was the emotional connection that I couldn't get from others. I wanted that. But I will not build him up like I once did with B. I will keep my imagination away from my reality.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to have lunch with an old acquaintance. He and I had fabulous sex before. Very creative. But I don't think we'd be repeating that again. There is no one in my life now, I'm effectively single and unavailable. While I miss the feeling of high, but I do not miss the feeling of low.
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