I declare my path to goodness and wholesomeness is officially over. I don't need that path. I'm already on that path. My moratorium to not seeking fun, extra fun that is, is over. The whole concept of no sex is completely blown out of proportion. The idea that I should stop having sex, or being sexually active is an over reaction. Because I love sex and I need sex and I can't say no to sex.
I do not need those kinky events any more. I think those events are quite boring, actually, but I like good and old fashioned sex. Sex that brings joy, fun and excitement in life, but I have, for the first time in my recent life, realized that I do not need any other things, no commitment, no walking into the sunset, no death do us apart. I like sex, and I like uncomplicated fun. I like direct communication, I don't need to be swept off my feet, I don't need to be told that I'm beautiful. I don't need any words. Action would do.
The problem is that when I was in a sort of dating related relationship, it became super unnecessarily complicated. It became high maintenance. My intent was never more than just to have fun. I function the best when there are no commitment involved. I like regular fun, good sex. It does not need to be a relationship. It does not need to be wooing, love-struck paradise. It needs to be sexy, fun, and when I am with that person, it needs to energize me.
I had been a drama queen. I think my prior relationship was a little too heavy and a little too fantasy like, and I should have approached it as a fun, extracurricular activity, but the problem was that I was in love. Everything is amplified when one is in love. So much thoughts are given to the other person, so much planning is put in place. It really ought to be just that, fun. I would have liked more, but liking more and receiving more would mean one thing and one thing only, destruction of a balance, a life that is perfect in and of itself. It would turn my world upside down if I had given it more thoughts into it.
I would always love that version of me. She was good. She was pure. She was loving. She was intensely giving. But she was miserable, and more importantly, she was seeing men's attention to feel attractive and wanted. She did not need that. She should be happy on her own. That version of me was vulnerable and insecure, she only felt worthy when she was receiving the attention from men. She was a drama queen when it came to the person she loved. It was unhealthy and unattractive. And it was a waste of time. But I did love that version of me. She was on top of the world when she received attention, she was beautiful, fun, sexy and adventurous. She gave everything to the person she loved. She cared deeply. She was ultimately the best version of me. But she was also the worst version of me. She did not know who she was any more. She cried more than she ever did. I miss her, but I could not be her any more. I have not been her for some time now. I'm at peace, finally.
A perfect situation would be one in which I am to have fun, once in a while, great sex, or good sex is to be had, and with no other attachment.
I have no idea how to get there. I don't want to be with anyone at the moment. At an emotional level or otherwise. I like me.
I don't need to pretend that I have nothing or I have everything. My sexless marriage exists for a reason. I will find my equal, my sexual equal. Someone who is competent, funny, works hard, is not into nagging, complicated relationship, and love sex. Someone whom I'm attracted to, someone whom I respect, someone who is at the same wave length. That person must exist somewhere. Because I'm worth it. And I am good and wholesome.
That's it. No more sadness, no more wondering why, my path to goodness to wholesomeness is complete. The moratorium is officially over. Every relationship dynamic changes. And for me, whatever the next chapter is going to bring, it's going to be one that is with purpose, and with me at the front and center of everything.
I don't want to make anyone proud of me. I want me to be proud of me. I don't want to chase those who do not respect me. I don't need any drama or conflict. I don't need to feel that I had to drop everything in my life to be with the person. To please that person. To give everything and receive nothing in return.
I don't know how to get there, but I will get there. I feel that I'm already there. A life with sense of purpose. A life with love, and hope. Perhaps one day I can have a sexually active life, with a person who is compatible, but I'm not looking. I am simply going to live my life, drama free. expectation free. I'm finally me again.
I do not need those kinky events any more. I think those events are quite boring, actually, but I like good and old fashioned sex. Sex that brings joy, fun and excitement in life, but I have, for the first time in my recent life, realized that I do not need any other things, no commitment, no walking into the sunset, no death do us apart. I like sex, and I like uncomplicated fun. I like direct communication, I don't need to be swept off my feet, I don't need to be told that I'm beautiful. I don't need any words. Action would do.
The problem is that when I was in a sort of dating related relationship, it became super unnecessarily complicated. It became high maintenance. My intent was never more than just to have fun. I function the best when there are no commitment involved. I like regular fun, good sex. It does not need to be a relationship. It does not need to be wooing, love-struck paradise. It needs to be sexy, fun, and when I am with that person, it needs to energize me.
I had been a drama queen. I think my prior relationship was a little too heavy and a little too fantasy like, and I should have approached it as a fun, extracurricular activity, but the problem was that I was in love. Everything is amplified when one is in love. So much thoughts are given to the other person, so much planning is put in place. It really ought to be just that, fun. I would have liked more, but liking more and receiving more would mean one thing and one thing only, destruction of a balance, a life that is perfect in and of itself. It would turn my world upside down if I had given it more thoughts into it.
I would always love that version of me. She was good. She was pure. She was loving. She was intensely giving. But she was miserable, and more importantly, she was seeing men's attention to feel attractive and wanted. She did not need that. She should be happy on her own. That version of me was vulnerable and insecure, she only felt worthy when she was receiving the attention from men. She was a drama queen when it came to the person she loved. It was unhealthy and unattractive. And it was a waste of time. But I did love that version of me. She was on top of the world when she received attention, she was beautiful, fun, sexy and adventurous. She gave everything to the person she loved. She cared deeply. She was ultimately the best version of me. But she was also the worst version of me. She did not know who she was any more. She cried more than she ever did. I miss her, but I could not be her any more. I have not been her for some time now. I'm at peace, finally.
A perfect situation would be one in which I am to have fun, once in a while, great sex, or good sex is to be had, and with no other attachment.
I have no idea how to get there. I don't want to be with anyone at the moment. At an emotional level or otherwise. I like me.
I don't need to pretend that I have nothing or I have everything. My sexless marriage exists for a reason. I will find my equal, my sexual equal. Someone who is competent, funny, works hard, is not into nagging, complicated relationship, and love sex. Someone whom I'm attracted to, someone whom I respect, someone who is at the same wave length. That person must exist somewhere. Because I'm worth it. And I am good and wholesome.
That's it. No more sadness, no more wondering why, my path to goodness to wholesomeness is complete. The moratorium is officially over. Every relationship dynamic changes. And for me, whatever the next chapter is going to bring, it's going to be one that is with purpose, and with me at the front and center of everything.
I don't want to make anyone proud of me. I want me to be proud of me. I don't want to chase those who do not respect me. I don't need any drama or conflict. I don't need to feel that I had to drop everything in my life to be with the person. To please that person. To give everything and receive nothing in return.
I don't know how to get there, but I will get there. I feel that I'm already there. A life with sense of purpose. A life with love, and hope. Perhaps one day I can have a sexually active life, with a person who is compatible, but I'm not looking. I am simply going to live my life, drama free. expectation free. I'm finally me again.
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