Being clean and wholesome

I met him a while ago. We had a rather lengthy exchanges of texts, and then one day we were involved. Then he got so busy and we stopped seeing each other for months. We never `discussed why. I supposed I told him a lot about me,and then one day he was busy and I was in love with someone else. When I was feeling that I needed a break, I broke up with him. Not once but twice. The second time was more recent, he was one of the few people I told that no more sexual encounters.

When I met him the first time I was charmed. I liked the way he looked and the way he moved. I enjoyed his charm. But when I saw him again I didn't feel that attracted to him any more. In fact, ever since I stopped seeing men, I found most men I was once interested in were not as attractive as I thought them to be.

I found younger men attractive, but I was not interested in them.

I found older men to be more sexually appealing but I was unable to have just a regular relationship.

I wanted more but I was not getting anything from anyone so I wanted nothing at all. 

I missed sex. I dream about sucking a cock and having orgasms here and there but I couldn't because I've been so wholesome and clean for sometime.

I wanted sex so bad that sometimes I hallucinated. 

I dared not to think about sex with my ex because it would get me worked up, and I would start to crave him sexually and I couldn't do that any more. It would hurt me a great deal.

Consequently I had stopped my brain from processing sexual thoughts. Yet when I closed my eyes, I think about sucking on a cock, and that's neither clean \nor wholesome.

I wish that I could be desired and wanted. I wish that I knew that I could get regular sex from my ex. I got offers from people here and there, and no one interesting. I suppose the only person I ever wanted to be with was my ex, and when that ended nothing really mattered.

I told him that I watched porn. He was always intrigued by me. He remembered a lot of things about me. He knew what he wanted and I knew what I wanted. I thought once I would have a go with him too. But he was not in the deck of cards.

He called me kiddo. He treated me as if I was his daughter. I wanted to lie back and have him go down on me. But I couldn't. I could ask for such things because I did not want to give anything in return.

I wanted nothing from no one. 

This time my path is all just plain and good, clean and wholesome.