Chores and duties

First day home.

Exchanged texts with two.

Called one.

Emailed one.

There used to be five. Then there was four. Three. Two. One. Zero.

There was none.

I have decided there is no need to make any sort of arrangement for anything that either I do not know or do not care to make a decision on.

I am OK without a lot of things.

I am OK without love, sex, companionship. 

I'm not OK without hope.

The hope that one day I will find someone who would adore, love ad care about me the way I deserve to be cared and loved.

Someone who shared my fantasies and passion.

Someone who isn't afraid. Who is committed to this path. Who is worthy of me.

I don't think I will find that person anywhere here. But I am OK with that as well. 

It's true. The other day I dreamed of this guy. He was someone whom I was really attracted to at work. Nothing happened but I remembered hoping to see him every day at work. And talking to him. He was born and raised in Boston. I had a thing for him until I moved my attention to others. I realized that perhaps I was only interested in him because I missed having excitement in my life. 

Had a lot of excitement for a lot of months and unwanted heartaches and headaches. Now I have nothing. No one. And everything just seem to work when you have no one to impress.

I don't know. Perhaps I need to be away to know that I could hit a hard reset. When I come back I still have the same people in my life, but different context. Different type of relationship or the same type. It may or may not evolve. It may or may not end. But that does not mean much in the context of things.

Perhaps I should think less and feel less and do more. 

I don't know the answer to a lot of things, but I do know that the days of feeling deeply is over.

I can't take things too seriously. I will not win this battle.

I need to focus on things that I can control and leave the rest of things be.

On that note. I will start a new chapter.

Whatever it is. I will need to restart.