EB is back. My girlfriends all call him EB. Stands for Errand Boy. His real name is something ordinary and unimaginative - He's half Irish and half German. More Irish than German looking to me, but everyone thinks he looks more German.
Picked him up. dropped him off at his new apartment. He was happy to move to Emeryville. It's cooler and his roommates are all gamers or work at Kink.
We have come to a good place I think. I was unable to develop anything beyond a friendship. Whether he's gay, bi or straight, forming anything more than just friendship nearly destroyed our relationship. I am terrified of any emotions. I run the other way the moment I feel some sort of feelings. I failed to run away from B. I tried several times, though he's never changed his tone, and never lost temper. He was always the same, lusting over me, loving me in his absent ways. I couldn't deal with that level of consistency in an inconsistent way. I like it when it was more or less a surface level feeling. I hate feeling in general. I don't like confrontations. I don't like being challenged. I don't like to be told what to do, unless it's with B in bed. I tend to over analyze and rationalize everything. I'm too quick to shut down everything.
To get to the heart of matters is a difficult thing and I have failed this far is to stop my feelings for B. But I think he's very calculating and very strategic. He does not overwhelm me. He gives me space. When I pull away, instead of acting panic like every man before or after him did, he remains silent. He waits for my return. And I often do. I can't stop my feelings for him because it does not often work in the same way that I do with others. With others, like EB, I am able to immediately stop and switch back to that cool, detached, non emotional, non romantic persona that I have perfected over the years.
We never did become physical, he had to work on his feelings for me, he needed to regulate it to a point that I could accept him again. I did not want to become physically or emotionally involved with him. I adore him. I think of him as my third, grown, gay child, but I couldn't possibly become romantically involved.
The one evening when I threatened to leave for good, he brought me close and started to well up in his eyes, and he kissed me on my lips. I got annoyed. It was uncalled for. I felt used and violated and even offended. How could he develop any sort of romantic intrigue with me? He was supposed to be gay or bi, and I could be as old as his mother. But that moment passed. He stopped crying. He thanked me for everything, including for coming into his life and with that we parted our ways. Fast forward a few weeks later. We've resumed our friendship. I adore him to this date. I communicate with him often. I love doing things with him and exploring the world with him. He cares about me. He is the only person who asked me about my holidays, my highlight of the vacation and what I liked the least or the most.
He felt terribly protective of me. He did not want me to be hurt by B. He wanted to make sure that I was going to be alright when B cancelled on me just before the holidays. He also did not want me to be sexually involved with B - that part I did not listen because I am not having sex with anyone else any longer, since July, to be exact, after I realized that being with more than one person was a taxing on me, it was a violation to myself, a betrayal of my own soul. I could only, and would only, sleep with B and B only. Even though, I would have preferred to have more than one partners, AND, I believe that he does have his share of women around.
EB makes an excellent activity partner. He is funny and attentive, he is animated and caring. He does things with me and he makes sure that I have companion where I go out. He is not a push over though. He only does things with me on occasion so that I do not get bored or irritated by him.
If it is important to me, EB would do it, if doing it meant that he is available. I have to make that known to him. On the other hand, I stop inviting EB to everything. I start to work with my other friends to go to events that I like to go. I have a few men that I do things with. Not physically involved of course, but activity partners. I enjoy going out. I sometime go out every night.
I begin to realize that perhaps in life we needed not a lover but activity partners.
Love scares me. I could only love when I could find the utmost trust in the other, and I fear with love it comes with losses. I am unable to reach a level of emotional intimacy with B. He's never shared anything with me. He shuts down. He does not communicate. He does not even bother to tell me where he is or answer my emails half of the time. He does not answer calls. He offers nothing of his life to me. He is simply a very closed off person. I love him still blindly. The truth is - I fear what I learn. What if he really truly does not care about me? What if he cannot and will not love me back? Or worse, what if he views this as a game and does not want to be with me when he's tired of this game? I think about these a lot because in a real relationship, I would not have tolerated this far, but in a fantasy world where everything is just a game, it works. Somehow. I like it just fine that he disappears all the time. But I am learning much about him. I learned that perhaps he thinks very little of me. His affection for me is only driven by his lust. His lust wanders from one person to another. I am, in the end, not his only one.
With an activity partner there are no obligations.
I have concluded in the end, with EB, that I can't do emotions. I suck at them. I could do activities, and in time, perhaps we could find some rhythm, but for the time being, I had to shut down the emotional self. I can't love because I fear.
EB wanted to cry, and he did cry before he went on holidays. I did not want to know what he thought of me, I did not want to know if he felt something more for me. It was one of those things. Sometimes are best left unsaid.
I could only function well, by pretending that the brief moment of his infatuation has passed, and that he no longer wants me in that primal way. Late in the evenings I could be honest with myself, and I remember him screaming at the other end of telephone, "I know there is no future. You are married." I told him, "And I'm seventeen years older than you." He replied, "I don't care about that. " I was cool about that, "But I do." And that was the end of our first conflict. For men they see a married woman; for women, they see difference of ages and circumstance.
For the right person I would leave my past behind. I've been living behind a mask for over a decade (thus Sleep No More NYC appealed to me). When I see B, I feel that I'm taking the bare soul, the vulnerable me out on a play date with B. Yet the rest of the time, the soul is hidden away, collecting dust and accumulating rust. One day I may grow tired of it, and one day I may no longer want a repeat performance of the same play date at the same play yard. One day I may want something new. I may want progression. I may want a real future. And that's when the mirage may begin to vanish.
But EB would still be there, he'd be the only one who'd come to the nursing home. He'd tell me this beginning. This very beginning and how an unlikely friendship was formed. How he and I found our own path where we'd be in each others lives. How I fought hard not to feel, and thought that no way in hell I'd feel again. And yet, eventually, I did.
When I am a 99 year old lady with little memory left, EB will come and visit me. He'd hold my boney hands and tell me that once upon a time, I was sexy, attractive, and I had broken so many hearts.
I'd laugh, and say, "Were those hearts worth it?"
EB would say, "Yes, I'm one of the hearts. And I'm still here."
I'd all of sudden remember my 2010s, and how I loved B so much so, and then it ended like everything else, it ran its course, just like life.
Picked him up. dropped him off at his new apartment. He was happy to move to Emeryville. It's cooler and his roommates are all gamers or work at Kink.
We have come to a good place I think. I was unable to develop anything beyond a friendship. Whether he's gay, bi or straight, forming anything more than just friendship nearly destroyed our relationship. I am terrified of any emotions. I run the other way the moment I feel some sort of feelings. I failed to run away from B. I tried several times, though he's never changed his tone, and never lost temper. He was always the same, lusting over me, loving me in his absent ways. I couldn't deal with that level of consistency in an inconsistent way. I like it when it was more or less a surface level feeling. I hate feeling in general. I don't like confrontations. I don't like being challenged. I don't like to be told what to do, unless it's with B in bed. I tend to over analyze and rationalize everything. I'm too quick to shut down everything.
To get to the heart of matters is a difficult thing and I have failed this far is to stop my feelings for B. But I think he's very calculating and very strategic. He does not overwhelm me. He gives me space. When I pull away, instead of acting panic like every man before or after him did, he remains silent. He waits for my return. And I often do. I can't stop my feelings for him because it does not often work in the same way that I do with others. With others, like EB, I am able to immediately stop and switch back to that cool, detached, non emotional, non romantic persona that I have perfected over the years.
We never did become physical, he had to work on his feelings for me, he needed to regulate it to a point that I could accept him again. I did not want to become physically or emotionally involved with him. I adore him. I think of him as my third, grown, gay child, but I couldn't possibly become romantically involved.
The one evening when I threatened to leave for good, he brought me close and started to well up in his eyes, and he kissed me on my lips. I got annoyed. It was uncalled for. I felt used and violated and even offended. How could he develop any sort of romantic intrigue with me? He was supposed to be gay or bi, and I could be as old as his mother. But that moment passed. He stopped crying. He thanked me for everything, including for coming into his life and with that we parted our ways. Fast forward a few weeks later. We've resumed our friendship. I adore him to this date. I communicate with him often. I love doing things with him and exploring the world with him. He cares about me. He is the only person who asked me about my holidays, my highlight of the vacation and what I liked the least or the most.
He felt terribly protective of me. He did not want me to be hurt by B. He wanted to make sure that I was going to be alright when B cancelled on me just before the holidays. He also did not want me to be sexually involved with B - that part I did not listen because I am not having sex with anyone else any longer, since July, to be exact, after I realized that being with more than one person was a taxing on me, it was a violation to myself, a betrayal of my own soul. I could only, and would only, sleep with B and B only. Even though, I would have preferred to have more than one partners, AND, I believe that he does have his share of women around.
EB makes an excellent activity partner. He is funny and attentive, he is animated and caring. He does things with me and he makes sure that I have companion where I go out. He is not a push over though. He only does things with me on occasion so that I do not get bored or irritated by him.
If it is important to me, EB would do it, if doing it meant that he is available. I have to make that known to him. On the other hand, I stop inviting EB to everything. I start to work with my other friends to go to events that I like to go. I have a few men that I do things with. Not physically involved of course, but activity partners. I enjoy going out. I sometime go out every night.
I begin to realize that perhaps in life we needed not a lover but activity partners.
Love scares me. I could only love when I could find the utmost trust in the other, and I fear with love it comes with losses. I am unable to reach a level of emotional intimacy with B. He's never shared anything with me. He shuts down. He does not communicate. He does not even bother to tell me where he is or answer my emails half of the time. He does not answer calls. He offers nothing of his life to me. He is simply a very closed off person. I love him still blindly. The truth is - I fear what I learn. What if he really truly does not care about me? What if he cannot and will not love me back? Or worse, what if he views this as a game and does not want to be with me when he's tired of this game? I think about these a lot because in a real relationship, I would not have tolerated this far, but in a fantasy world where everything is just a game, it works. Somehow. I like it just fine that he disappears all the time. But I am learning much about him. I learned that perhaps he thinks very little of me. His affection for me is only driven by his lust. His lust wanders from one person to another. I am, in the end, not his only one.
With an activity partner there are no obligations.
I have concluded in the end, with EB, that I can't do emotions. I suck at them. I could do activities, and in time, perhaps we could find some rhythm, but for the time being, I had to shut down the emotional self. I can't love because I fear.
EB wanted to cry, and he did cry before he went on holidays. I did not want to know what he thought of me, I did not want to know if he felt something more for me. It was one of those things. Sometimes are best left unsaid.
I could only function well, by pretending that the brief moment of his infatuation has passed, and that he no longer wants me in that primal way. Late in the evenings I could be honest with myself, and I remember him screaming at the other end of telephone, "I know there is no future. You are married." I told him, "And I'm seventeen years older than you." He replied, "I don't care about that. " I was cool about that, "But I do." And that was the end of our first conflict. For men they see a married woman; for women, they see difference of ages and circumstance.
For the right person I would leave my past behind. I've been living behind a mask for over a decade (thus Sleep No More NYC appealed to me). When I see B, I feel that I'm taking the bare soul, the vulnerable me out on a play date with B. Yet the rest of the time, the soul is hidden away, collecting dust and accumulating rust. One day I may grow tired of it, and one day I may no longer want a repeat performance of the same play date at the same play yard. One day I may want something new. I may want progression. I may want a real future. And that's when the mirage may begin to vanish.
But EB would still be there, he'd be the only one who'd come to the nursing home. He'd tell me this beginning. This very beginning and how an unlikely friendship was formed. How he and I found our own path where we'd be in each others lives. How I fought hard not to feel, and thought that no way in hell I'd feel again. And yet, eventually, I did.
When I am a 99 year old lady with little memory left, EB will come and visit me. He'd hold my boney hands and tell me that once upon a time, I was sexy, attractive, and I had broken so many hearts.
I'd laugh, and say, "Were those hearts worth it?"
EB would say, "Yes, I'm one of the hearts. And I'm still here."
I'd all of sudden remember my 2010s, and how I loved B so much so, and then it ended like everything else, it ran its course, just like life.
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