I no longer sleep with anyone, but B. That being said, B is often away and I like to be with others. I'm a social being. I like friends. Male and female friends.
B is often away and not available even if he's in town. I don't know why, I often just think it's because he's got a girlfriend or live in partner besides his kid that he needs to limit interaction with me to minimum.
I've been through this, so many up and downs, it's been too many times now. I don't have the energy to get super upset or sad any more. I know that I must chart my own territory, be in control of my own fate, and do not let B affect me the way it used to.
Went out for dinner with N. N is a good friend. We've known each other for sometime. He and I bonded over crap. Well, he was unlucky in love and I was always feeling sorry for my state of being (vis-a-via B). I went to him when I got really upset with B and was hoping to break up with B. He taught me what to do but then I did not listen. He said, "Just wait for another six months, you will come crying about B again." I did for a while but then we got back together. Then I went to him when he was super upset with his girlfriends. We talk all the time.
I was eating and wrinkling my nose when N tilted my head and touched my chin gently and told me to stop making faces. It was unexpected, like he was my big brother and wanted to make me look more attractive. But that was not some platonic moment, that was a moment of deep caring and affection, borderlined romantic. So I shook it off and stared at the street curb side.
N gave me a bit of load down of his life. He always told me everything, about his exercise routine, his dating life (or lack of), or his work. He seems to have a lot of friends but no one that close. He asked me what is my ideal mate, I said, "Educated in the east coast, smart, liberal, libertarian even, knows a lot about NPR programs, likes to read, socially aware, tall, dark and handsome or medium framed and blond, bonus for wearing glasses. Extra bonus for being left handed." I just described nearly every single one of guy friends. And all of my serious ex boyfriends. And N. Great.
He and I parted ways. I'd return and we'd resume our weekly going out scheme. He'll be out chasing skirt, I'll be sitting on a bar stool, chatting up with men. We make a great going out couple. I get more attention than he but he's way better looking than me.
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A thought I was arriving earlier. I saw him about 45 minutes later than expected. He had finished building a couch and was enjoying it. We had dinner. We talked about our plans of going out. He did not want to make commitment but I know how he thinks. He likes being with me but only so much.
He did not want me to have a real boyfriend. He did not think that I should date.
Then out of blue he invited to go abroad on a trip with him. He was thinking about going to Korea and wanted me to go with him. I thought that he had developed a crush on a girl there before he met me. So inviting me to go with him was a bit unexpected. It was a bit strange actually because I did not expect that. Going on a trip with A seemed a bit intimate. I would share a room with him. I would be sleeping with him. Spending day and nights with him. Platonically.
I was shocked. No one had ever asked me to travel with them before.
He was always subdued and even manic depressive when he was with me but when he was saying goodbye he turned into this happy energetic charming self which I did not get to see much these days. He hug me a couple of times and said, "you are a really good friend".
I couldn't go there with A. I was always just hovering in a weird way.
He was too. We had failed to come to a really good solid place, but we've always been platonic. He's bi.
When everything else fails, A was a friend and always will be.
And when everything fails I would still have N and A. Both were good male friends, both decided to stick it around until we sort out our respective dynamics.
B is often away and not available even if he's in town. I don't know why, I often just think it's because he's got a girlfriend or live in partner besides his kid that he needs to limit interaction with me to minimum.
I've been through this, so many up and downs, it's been too many times now. I don't have the energy to get super upset or sad any more. I know that I must chart my own territory, be in control of my own fate, and do not let B affect me the way it used to.
Went out for dinner with N. N is a good friend. We've known each other for sometime. He and I bonded over crap. Well, he was unlucky in love and I was always feeling sorry for my state of being (vis-a-via B). I went to him when I got really upset with B and was hoping to break up with B. He taught me what to do but then I did not listen. He said, "Just wait for another six months, you will come crying about B again." I did for a while but then we got back together. Then I went to him when he was super upset with his girlfriends. We talk all the time.
I was eating and wrinkling my nose when N tilted my head and touched my chin gently and told me to stop making faces. It was unexpected, like he was my big brother and wanted to make me look more attractive. But that was not some platonic moment, that was a moment of deep caring and affection, borderlined romantic. So I shook it off and stared at the street curb side.
N gave me a bit of load down of his life. He always told me everything, about his exercise routine, his dating life (or lack of), or his work. He seems to have a lot of friends but no one that close. He asked me what is my ideal mate, I said, "Educated in the east coast, smart, liberal, libertarian even, knows a lot about NPR programs, likes to read, socially aware, tall, dark and handsome or medium framed and blond, bonus for wearing glasses. Extra bonus for being left handed." I just described nearly every single one of guy friends. And all of my serious ex boyfriends. And N. Great.
He and I parted ways. I'd return and we'd resume our weekly going out scheme. He'll be out chasing skirt, I'll be sitting on a bar stool, chatting up with men. We make a great going out couple. I get more attention than he but he's way better looking than me.
-------
A thought I was arriving earlier. I saw him about 45 minutes later than expected. He had finished building a couch and was enjoying it. We had dinner. We talked about our plans of going out. He did not want to make commitment but I know how he thinks. He likes being with me but only so much.
He did not want me to have a real boyfriend. He did not think that I should date.
Then out of blue he invited to go abroad on a trip with him. He was thinking about going to Korea and wanted me to go with him. I thought that he had developed a crush on a girl there before he met me. So inviting me to go with him was a bit unexpected. It was a bit strange actually because I did not expect that. Going on a trip with A seemed a bit intimate. I would share a room with him. I would be sleeping with him. Spending day and nights with him. Platonically.
I was shocked. No one had ever asked me to travel with them before.
He was always subdued and even manic depressive when he was with me but when he was saying goodbye he turned into this happy energetic charming self which I did not get to see much these days. He hug me a couple of times and said, "you are a really good friend".
I couldn't go there with A. I was always just hovering in a weird way.
He was too. We had failed to come to a really good solid place, but we've always been platonic. He's bi.
When everything else fails, A was a friend and always will be.
And when everything fails I would still have N and A. Both were good male friends, both decided to stick it around until we sort out our respective dynamics.
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