Monday, December 23, 2013

Emotional intimacy

For years I watched sad movies so that I could feel. Twelve years of putting my emotions on ice, now they are thawed out and I couldn't figure out how to find a place to park them, these misfits, these unimaginative, raw things called feelings.

This was a story that took place a while back. When the feelings first got thawed out and how I could have and should have done something different about my approach, but instead I ran the other way. Until we discussed it and changed our approach.

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He was telling me that my shirt was showing too much cleavage over dinner. He said that to cover it up. He cut me off when I rambled on things. He didn't want to hear it. Then he kicked me under the table for not wanting to tell him what I thought.

"You are usually very reserved". He'd say.

I was never really that open with him at first. I tried to stay on the surface. He was never really the type for me to open up my emotions with.

He trod carefully. He said the other night when I panicked and screamed, "Don't leave. Don't leave this car." he had never seen so much emotions or pain in my face. "It rarely happened. I only saw it once before. When I told my girlfriend of two years that I was leaving to move here, I saw the pain on her face was real. That night I saw so much on your face. It affected me. I told myself that I have to be more careful with what I say or do. I couldn't bear your pain. I couldn't bear seeing you in pain. It affected me." He said as he flicked some ashes from his cigarette. I smiled. I had regained my composure the next day. I was able to project an air of coolness by then.

But I knew exactly what he meant. I rarely showed emotions. I rarely let people know when I was hurting. I may shed some tears while driving in a car, alone, but I couldn't possibly let people know how I truly felt. I sought revenge to compensate for the hurt I felt. I detachedmyself by going to another person. I distracted myself.  I couldn't articulate how much I was hurt and how angry I was with the person who hurt me, so I shut down. But that night he saw the raw emotions I felt once. And that troubled him.

"Since then I wanted to be careful with what I say to you. I was worried about how I would make you feel. I saw so much emotion that night - I couldn't bear to hurt you again." He told me that evening all the things I didn't want to hear. I rather for him to have forgotten it. Instead he became so polite and so careful. He thanked me for everything I did. He went to places we went together. He became quiet otherwise.

It was not that long ago when we got into such a huge fight that when a small little thing came up, I threatened to break up. I yelled. I said terrible things in return, but I was sad that he did not fight back. He took it all in. And he let me vent, he got angry but he did not fight back. It was the third fight we'd had - I told him that I never fought with anyone. He was the only person I had shared that level of intensity with, not just FELT, but EXPRESSED.

That evening we talked. He didn't say much really. I told him that I knew that I overreacted and he started to feel so emotional. I told him that instead of being so absolute I should have been more rational. I apologized. he brought me close and  hugged me. He and I disagreed on the frequency we talked. I agreed with him on concept but I didn't want him to tell me that. It was more of the fact that he said it first that upset me. I was a brat. I didn't like to be challenged. So I told him that I never wanted to talk or see him again. He was hurt and I was hurt as well. In the end, we did what we could. We stepped aside and continued and pretended everything was okay. We became friends but we were not as intimate as we were once. That night I saw his tears as he drew me closer. Pretty soon our lips were locked and we kissed but I decided it was best to leave as is and not push for it. I didn't want to tip the balance.

Just like that, I apologized for my irrational bratty move. He stopped being so depressed because he thought that I didn't want to be with him any more.

We dated for some time. I loved how he looked. He was beautiful and charismatic. He had those eyes that changed colors from blue to green. On days when he combed his hair forward and dark framed glasses he looked Irish and on days when he wore those silver framed glasses and combed his hair backward, he looked German. When he smiled the world lit up and when we were together people praised us because we looked good together. People liked good looking attractive couples. We fit well together publicly. We did many activities and we laughed together.

Eventually it ran its course. But throughout that relationship I never yelled again. I never reacted poorly to his suggestions again. I stayed calm and I let my guard down. We talked about feelings and we tried to slow down at times to let each other to be heard. We even started to sleep together again. I had an overnight bag in his place. He had one at mine. When it ended we remained friends. Just like he saw the panic on my face, I saw his sad face when he cried. We were two emotional being together. When that relationship ended, I never could let my guards down again. I cried on my own when men hurt me, and I wished that he could be there to hug me when I was sad. Then, life caught on.

I missed that level of emotional intimacy to this date.

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