Sunday, December 22, 2013

Finding our way

D was sending me text message saying that he was late. Whatever. He's always late. I had trouble picturing me with him day in and day out, doing stuff. It made me slightly uncomfortable. When we we were done he wanted to grab coffee. I kept my emotional distance because I couldn't get myself all worked up with him - seeing that he had been so incredibly needy lately, we both needed a break from this friendship we formed.

I took him to my favorite joint. He ordered food and bought me a drink. He saw that they were serving butternut squash soup. I told him yes it was great. He then told me that he went to Bristol Farm and bought butternut squash soup, poki and cheese and crackers on Friday for lunch. He said that it reminded him of me. I used to bring food to him when he was sick, I told him where I fetched the food, and he wanted to return there.

We talked about politics and technology. We talked about his pending move, things happened at work. We talked about things that mattered or not mattered. We talked about life. I started to establish eye contact again. I was hurt. He was hurt. I didn't know how we got there. It was a strange dynamic, because neither one of us wanted anything from each other. It was not even a physical intimacy or any sort of emotional attachment. It was more of a shock, an aftershock. We were so close for a short but intense period of time, and neither one of us wanted that so we stopped being so close and we missed one another. It was painful. I rarely felt pained with people. It was easy to keep that emotional distance. To keep them at bay but occasionally a strange bond developed and I couldn't focus on things. I couldn't focus on a life without D's existence. He loved doing things with me. We were great activity partners. I enjoyed that. I also liked the fact that his life was starting and mine was closing in on me. It brought me hope and joy.

I had been looking for steady companionship. I was not looking for one when D showed up. I was perfectly fine doing my own thing, minding my own business. But then we became close friends. More like girlfriends who shared thoughts than boyfriend girlfriend. It was never about that romance, it was about something fundamentally different, like he was part of me, and I needed his existence to feel whole, Yet it was NEVER sexual.

I didn't tell him about that guy who was chasing me again. That guy whom I've not spoken with for nearly a year, was getting obsessed with me again and started to call. I didn't tell him that another friend was beginning to want to spend more time with me than I could offer, he was just fresh of a relationship and he wanted to be with me more, but I can't stand that. I did not tell him that I was in love with B. He shared B's racial heritage and was half of B's age.  I needed distance, distance from men or women. I could only take them in small dosages. He did not need to hear that. 

He wanted to hear what we had. 

Wanted to go and have lunch at OUR restaurant. I didn't know we had one, but he wanted something that was just ours, and ours alone. So we found a restaurant one evening and we've been going back there ever since.

He was to leave town. I asked him about something more personal. But he said that he needed time. He said that it would be a few weeks to figure it out. I said, try two years.  

From 2000 to 2011,  I was in a very weird, different place, and then something happened, I did not get to where I was without the 11 years of completely different life path, but now that I was here, I couldn't figure me out any more. The problem with remembering the past, was that I had no future that would resemble any sense of the past. Once you have children, you could never be really who you once were. For me at least I finally picked up where I left off in 2000 and that person was still in me, I just didn't know how much of her was still left.

And really it was never going to be that version of me anyway, it was entirely a different person coming out of the shell. I couldn't tell D at all about me. I didn't want to tell him so much so soon. He was a curious case. I sort of feel heart break when we decided to redo the path we were on, though I didn't know why I was feeling so sad.

D wanted to go to this museum event with me. I suggested and he wanted to go before I had suggested. It would be after he returned from home. I said that was fine. 

I couldn't really tell what was what. I sort of drift from one mood to another.

I couldn't figure any of this out because I think he would be someone important. Someone who was different from the rest of the guy friends I had. I had begun to realize perhaps the choice all along was there. He came into my life to assure me that life was meant to be full of different intrigues. I had stopped wanting to sleep around in August. There were quite a few of them, yet I just was not interested in them. D was a different case. He wanted something greater and non physical, but I did't know what that was. I was constantly irritated by him. I wanted lesser of him. I could't handle intimate non physical relationship. I liked space and D wanted just be there, no matter what I did. I couldn't handle that. I wanted my space, and he wanted his space, but then he wanted more of me. 

I had no experience with this. I could turn my back on D and walk out but I couldn't face it. 

I was not exactly the most confident type. I suppose I would have to wait.

D said that we've known each other for a long while now. I told him, try 10 years, try something more than a few months. 

D wanted to be my best friend, until I die. He once told me that he wanted to be there, visiting me in a nursing home, when I was frail. I could only picture my old age with the person I love. Thus my future often had B in it. But in D's world, I was there in his old age, and him in mine too.

It puzzled me. It made me realized perhaps I couldn't know what was that men wanted of me. Perhaps we always chase what we couldn't have.

D and I broke each other's hearts in the process.

We were more than friends. But not sexual friends. We were not sure what that was, now like two blind persons, we must find our way back to each other's lives using every tool we could find along the way. We must stop hurting each other.

We must learn to love one another again.

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