When I learned about A's potential departure for a job down south, I was ambivalent about it. In part I felt guilty hat I actually felt happy with that outcome. I should be feeling sad. I should feel something about his pending departure. We were close. We were quite close for sometime. But I felt happy that he was leaving. When he told me about his potential new job when we first met, I was sad, but he met me and he decided to stay here, and he did not want to move down south. And as our relationship progressed, increasingly I felt that I preferred for him to leave here. I didn't like attachment. I especially did not like it when he was becoming too close to me.
His time up here was to be limited. I suspected that he'd be leaving before the end of the month, most likely in the next two weeks. Ever since meeting him, I noticed that his life was filled with chaos. He was sick for a while, he was moving his office, he went away for a conference, he was sick again, he went back east, he wanted a relationship with me, and when that did not work out for me, he wanted to stay friends. He wanted to go out once a week, he wanted this and that... it was taxing. I felt that I had a kid.
So when the job thing surfaced again, I encouraged him, and I knew he sensed that I wanted him to leave. I remembered he was nearly crying when I told him last that he should move down there. But this time, he was being more adult about it. He wanted to advance his career, he wanted to take a job down south as I suggested that he should.
I liked that he was going to leave me soon. It was coming to an end sooner than expected. I wanted him to leave because I wanted him out of my life, in a way, that made me sad because I should feel more, I should feel that I wanted more from this relationship. After all he was an important component of my life. We were not physically involved, but we were close. He was close to me in a way no other men could. But ever since the beginning of the year, I was feeling that he was pulling away, but not in a natural way, it was as if he was hoping to put some distance between us so that he could feel less intense about us. I in return felt that I was needing some space so that I could feel less conflicted about my relationship with him.
It's never good to justify to yourself what you were doing.
I had to justify it too much.
He told me that he had decided to take the job after all. I told him that it was a good decision. I sounded so rational and so even keeled. I asked what he was doing for the rest of this week. He said that he was packing. He was going to do some packing, some jogging but he was available. And he wanted to see me. I sort of feel that I was feeling sad. I was sad because I think deep down I had complex feelings about him. It was not a natural one, it was an unexpected feeling. When he was in my life, I wanted him out. When he was going to leave my life, I wanted him to stay, but I did not know how to manage that conflict. I was very bored of our interactions for a while, and I knew he felt unsettled because he could not focus on one thing.
I told myself that putting some distance was going to be good. I could still be in contact with him. I'd see him. Flying to Southern California would not be difficult. H'd likely come up here, and I could have him stay with me. We may see each other still. He had asked me to travel with him. I found that request a bit strange but not strange enough, because we had done many things together, and it felt natural to be doing things with him, though I was not attracted to him physically. I was mostly bored. Yet I cared about him.
Once an ex boyfriend told me, "There is something about you. They always come back. They all do." When I ended all of my liaisons for a while, after I thought I could quit B, I had a conversation with this ex. He said, "They all come back to you. I don't know what it is with you. But they all do." I thought his words for a while. I didn't understand it.
Then I realized, as time passed, that he was right. Every single one of them wanted some form of presence in my life. I had calmed down significantly since I started this journey, I felt that I went through a mini 20-something struggle. As an example, a high powered partner of a large consulting firm and I were involved for a little bit. When I told him that I could no longer see him, because I was in love with someone else, he was feeling rejected. For months I did not hear from him. Then he started to chase me again, with phone calls and emails and text messages. When I did not respond to him, he became even more clingy. Eventually the power was shifted. He went from a man who demanded a lot of attention and needy to someone who would bend backwards for him, to a man who was desperate for just an opportunity to see me. I resisted. It was not going to go anywhere, I really could not advance my relationship in any shape of form. But he continued to pursue me. He called. He tried to be friendly. He tried to stay on the surface but he wanted more. Yet I couldn't give anything more. I didn't want anything with him, in June of last year I ended it for good. I had not looked back. The moment I ended with someone, I ended for good, emotionally and physically.
Yet, I was never really good at severing all ties. For every person I met since I started this journey, I kept in touch with him. No one could predict what the future holds, but I knew very well that life was meant to be a continuum. If we were lucky, we could possibly find someone we were crazy about, and if were luckier, we may even be able to hold their affection for a while. If we were truly gifted or blessed, then perhaps we could touch their lives in a way that made them remember you for the rest of their lives.
I felt vulnerable sometimes, but I had ceased to feel sorry about myself or my situation. Perhaps that was the inner strength that we were looking for to get us through the day. Perhaps that was what attracted these men who still wanted some form of presence in my life.
I looked forward to this ending with A. Because I knew instinctively, a new beginning was to be had, somewhere, with him, not with him, with someone else, or no one at all.
His time up here was to be limited. I suspected that he'd be leaving before the end of the month, most likely in the next two weeks. Ever since meeting him, I noticed that his life was filled with chaos. He was sick for a while, he was moving his office, he went away for a conference, he was sick again, he went back east, he wanted a relationship with me, and when that did not work out for me, he wanted to stay friends. He wanted to go out once a week, he wanted this and that... it was taxing. I felt that I had a kid.
So when the job thing surfaced again, I encouraged him, and I knew he sensed that I wanted him to leave. I remembered he was nearly crying when I told him last that he should move down there. But this time, he was being more adult about it. He wanted to advance his career, he wanted to take a job down south as I suggested that he should.
I liked that he was going to leave me soon. It was coming to an end sooner than expected. I wanted him to leave because I wanted him out of my life, in a way, that made me sad because I should feel more, I should feel that I wanted more from this relationship. After all he was an important component of my life. We were not physically involved, but we were close. He was close to me in a way no other men could. But ever since the beginning of the year, I was feeling that he was pulling away, but not in a natural way, it was as if he was hoping to put some distance between us so that he could feel less intense about us. I in return felt that I was needing some space so that I could feel less conflicted about my relationship with him.
It's never good to justify to yourself what you were doing.
I had to justify it too much.
He told me that he had decided to take the job after all. I told him that it was a good decision. I sounded so rational and so even keeled. I asked what he was doing for the rest of this week. He said that he was packing. He was going to do some packing, some jogging but he was available. And he wanted to see me. I sort of feel that I was feeling sad. I was sad because I think deep down I had complex feelings about him. It was not a natural one, it was an unexpected feeling. When he was in my life, I wanted him out. When he was going to leave my life, I wanted him to stay, but I did not know how to manage that conflict. I was very bored of our interactions for a while, and I knew he felt unsettled because he could not focus on one thing.
I told myself that putting some distance was going to be good. I could still be in contact with him. I'd see him. Flying to Southern California would not be difficult. H'd likely come up here, and I could have him stay with me. We may see each other still. He had asked me to travel with him. I found that request a bit strange but not strange enough, because we had done many things together, and it felt natural to be doing things with him, though I was not attracted to him physically. I was mostly bored. Yet I cared about him.
Once an ex boyfriend told me, "There is something about you. They always come back. They all do." When I ended all of my liaisons for a while, after I thought I could quit B, I had a conversation with this ex. He said, "They all come back to you. I don't know what it is with you. But they all do." I thought his words for a while. I didn't understand it.
Then I realized, as time passed, that he was right. Every single one of them wanted some form of presence in my life. I had calmed down significantly since I started this journey, I felt that I went through a mini 20-something struggle. As an example, a high powered partner of a large consulting firm and I were involved for a little bit. When I told him that I could no longer see him, because I was in love with someone else, he was feeling rejected. For months I did not hear from him. Then he started to chase me again, with phone calls and emails and text messages. When I did not respond to him, he became even more clingy. Eventually the power was shifted. He went from a man who demanded a lot of attention and needy to someone who would bend backwards for him, to a man who was desperate for just an opportunity to see me. I resisted. It was not going to go anywhere, I really could not advance my relationship in any shape of form. But he continued to pursue me. He called. He tried to be friendly. He tried to stay on the surface but he wanted more. Yet I couldn't give anything more. I didn't want anything with him, in June of last year I ended it for good. I had not looked back. The moment I ended with someone, I ended for good, emotionally and physically.
Yet, I was never really good at severing all ties. For every person I met since I started this journey, I kept in touch with him. No one could predict what the future holds, but I knew very well that life was meant to be a continuum. If we were lucky, we could possibly find someone we were crazy about, and if were luckier, we may even be able to hold their affection for a while. If we were truly gifted or blessed, then perhaps we could touch their lives in a way that made them remember you for the rest of their lives.
I felt vulnerable sometimes, but I had ceased to feel sorry about myself or my situation. Perhaps that was the inner strength that we were looking for to get us through the day. Perhaps that was what attracted these men who still wanted some form of presence in my life.
I looked forward to this ending with A. Because I knew instinctively, a new beginning was to be had, somewhere, with him, not with him, with someone else, or no one at all.
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