Saw A tonight for dinner. It was a last minute thing. He was being cordial. He told me that he'd miss me. He was happy about the opportunity, I pushed him to take this job, and I told him that I wanted him to finish his college. He agreed. He was being very cheerful, but a little sentimental. I felt that he's a blank slate. He needed to be shaped, molded and worked on. But at the same time, he adored and respected me a lot. We were like brother and sister, and we were like lovers without a sexual component, and we were like mother and son, but most of all, he was my closest friend for a while now.
When he told me that he would miss me I just gave a shrug. I said, "Life is long, this is just a temporary thing." He was being emotional a little bit, but I was being calm and nonchalant about it. In the short period we have gotten to know each other so well. I had fallen in love with him in a non romantic way, it was not logical, but sometimes you could form a relationship that was not based on any physical component. You just felt a connection. It was him who brought me out of funk and introduced me to a simpler time, where I was not obsessed with B anymore.
When I finally left I started to cry. In the car, alone. I realized his departure broke my heart. I had only cried for B before. That was entirely different. I was crying because I thought he no longer wanted me, no longer desired me. With B I was a woman. I was vulnerable.
With A I was a confident, secure, powerful woman who was always taking charge and giving directions. I liked how A made me feel, even though I was not attracted to him in the slightest. He was gay, or bi, but that was the not reason I liked him. He was a bit of a blank and I liked that he would never be able to hurt me in a way a man I was attracted to would do. But, he gave me hope, and he made me feel confident in many different ways. And he genuinely loved me.
There is something to be said about being loved by someone so completely. I would be lying if I did not imagine having sex with him, but it was overpowered by the emotion of adoration and love. He was a pretty boy. It was never the sex that got in the way, it was the lack of sex that made this relationship so powerful.
He was my default go to person. Every week, we hung out. We did things together. We ran, hiked, traveled. I wanted to do something for his departure. I wanted to assure myself that this relationship did exist.
He never liked B. He told me that I need to leave B, for good. I told him that I loved him. I wanted to have someone to want me sexually, and I wanted to have sex. He took a look at me and said, "You have not tried hard enough. You never tried."
"I did not want to try. I can't. I'm married and I am not putting myself out there." I met people from time to time. I met him, for instance, on a bus, of all places. I met E that way too. I met T on a golf outing. I met C at an art gallery. I met N at a bar. In varying degrees, these men are still in my life. They are just friends now.
I couldn't tell A that his pending departure may put me back in the hole with B. I was quite capable of handling my complex feelings with B when he was around. A served as a distraction. He gave me a purpose, a selfish purpose so that I could feel a sense of belonging. He actually belonged with me. He was also the voice of reason. He was able to sway me away from feeling too strongly about B, and he kept me in check when I was involved with B.
A told me that he needed to save some more to travel with me to Korea. He had to delay his trip because he wanted to go back to school.
I told him that he should do all that. Get fit, go to school, date a few girls. I remembered how I used to be with a man whom I loved once. He was living away from me, and when he called me he told me stories of women he used to date, perhaps still dated, and I remembered thinking to myself, "it's okay, he loved me." I always had an innate ability to disengage with men I cared about. I also remembered when all was set and down, he became so in love and infatuated with me, that he proposed to me.
I did not marry him. He moved from the east coast to southern california, in hoping that it was closer to me and that I'd change my mind. I never reconciled with him.
I believe that if you loved someone, you have to set them free. If they loved you back, they will return. They always do.
It's time for me to set A free. I need him to leave here, so that I could grow up too and face my own feelings for B, this time, alone, and without distractions.
When he told me that he would miss me I just gave a shrug. I said, "Life is long, this is just a temporary thing." He was being emotional a little bit, but I was being calm and nonchalant about it. In the short period we have gotten to know each other so well. I had fallen in love with him in a non romantic way, it was not logical, but sometimes you could form a relationship that was not based on any physical component. You just felt a connection. It was him who brought me out of funk and introduced me to a simpler time, where I was not obsessed with B anymore.
When I finally left I started to cry. In the car, alone. I realized his departure broke my heart. I had only cried for B before. That was entirely different. I was crying because I thought he no longer wanted me, no longer desired me. With B I was a woman. I was vulnerable.
With A I was a confident, secure, powerful woman who was always taking charge and giving directions. I liked how A made me feel, even though I was not attracted to him in the slightest. He was gay, or bi, but that was the not reason I liked him. He was a bit of a blank and I liked that he would never be able to hurt me in a way a man I was attracted to would do. But, he gave me hope, and he made me feel confident in many different ways. And he genuinely loved me.
There is something to be said about being loved by someone so completely. I would be lying if I did not imagine having sex with him, but it was overpowered by the emotion of adoration and love. He was a pretty boy. It was never the sex that got in the way, it was the lack of sex that made this relationship so powerful.
He was my default go to person. Every week, we hung out. We did things together. We ran, hiked, traveled. I wanted to do something for his departure. I wanted to assure myself that this relationship did exist.
He never liked B. He told me that I need to leave B, for good. I told him that I loved him. I wanted to have someone to want me sexually, and I wanted to have sex. He took a look at me and said, "You have not tried hard enough. You never tried."
"I did not want to try. I can't. I'm married and I am not putting myself out there." I met people from time to time. I met him, for instance, on a bus, of all places. I met E that way too. I met T on a golf outing. I met C at an art gallery. I met N at a bar. In varying degrees, these men are still in my life. They are just friends now.
I couldn't tell A that his pending departure may put me back in the hole with B. I was quite capable of handling my complex feelings with B when he was around. A served as a distraction. He gave me a purpose, a selfish purpose so that I could feel a sense of belonging. He actually belonged with me. He was also the voice of reason. He was able to sway me away from feeling too strongly about B, and he kept me in check when I was involved with B.
A told me that he needed to save some more to travel with me to Korea. He had to delay his trip because he wanted to go back to school.
I told him that he should do all that. Get fit, go to school, date a few girls. I remembered how I used to be with a man whom I loved once. He was living away from me, and when he called me he told me stories of women he used to date, perhaps still dated, and I remembered thinking to myself, "it's okay, he loved me." I always had an innate ability to disengage with men I cared about. I also remembered when all was set and down, he became so in love and infatuated with me, that he proposed to me.
I did not marry him. He moved from the east coast to southern california, in hoping that it was closer to me and that I'd change my mind. I never reconciled with him.
I believe that if you loved someone, you have to set them free. If they loved you back, they will return. They always do.
It's time for me to set A free. I need him to leave here, so that I could grow up too and face my own feelings for B, this time, alone, and without distractions.
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