Rain, it rained. Pouring rain. When? I did not know.
In the evening, you spooned me, my body arched into you as you embraced me, in that position we slept. I couldn't believe how much I slept, it was early when we turned in.
I had not anticipated to stay over. Yet with you it was never clear. You had a certain way about you. As I learned. It had been a long time since we first started seeing each other. There were things that frustrated me. There were things that I learned to live with. You were not an easy man to be with. You withdrew and became non responsive at times. It was as if you needed time to retreat from me to regain your love for me. I had always wanted to fall asleep with you when it rained. It took more than two years for it to happen. Last year at this time I had given up on you. Even when you invited me back, asked for me to be with you, I had doubts in you and my faith in you, in us. Each passing day our relationship evolved, eventually it became something unrecognizable. But I learned a lot about me. I learned that I wanted you because you wanted me. Your desire for me fueled my desire for you. It was illogical to fall in love with someone only because that someone loved you, yet in this case it felt right.
In the middle of the night I woke up to the lights in the hills. There was a tower lit up. It was the Coit Tower. I realized. I had never seen the lit up version. Once I had a boyfriend who lived not far from you, he and I often hiked up and down the Coit Tower. It was after you, the first time.
There were many things I did not know about you. When I asked I never got a response. Why did you not want to write anything back? Why did you know how much it hurts me when I did not hear from you, yet you did it often?
Yet, this dynamic of ours worked. In so many ways I knew it was not logical, but I knew why. It was simply that we formed a sub and dom relationship. I liked being submissive to you, even though exteriorly I was often the dominate one in life. It worked for us to be this way, somehow.
"Do you miss me?" I would ask.
"Yes, I do. When I miss you, I wish that you were here with me, doing things, being with me. I miss holding you." I wondered if that's how other people missed others.
"I miss you too. But when I miss you, my entire body hurts. It hollows me." I said. It was the truth, really, when I missed you, it was not about wanting to be with you at that moment, it was about feeling a sharp pain in my heart, and my eyes were often immediately welled with tears. When I was alone, I'd often weep. It was not voluntary reaction, I did not wish upon myself. It just happened. I never felt this way with anyone else.
That part I did not know if you understood. I fundamentally just wanted to please you. If you were unhappy with me, it made me sad. If I was unable to feel your presence, your love for me, it cut me through like a knife, and when I missed you, when I wish that I was in your arms instead of being alone, or being with others, it hurt like hell. I weathered it so many times, yet it never got any easier.
In varying positions I curled up next to you in the middle of the night. I took a lot of time finding just the right spot. Sometimes I stared at the ceiling. It was difficult to imagine what lied ahead.
Is being with you once in a while good enough? Perhaps yes. Because I couldn't foresee a future where you wanted anything more than this. And in this relationship dynamic, I did not care for being in control. I only wanted what you wanted. And I'd settle for good enough, for you.
Is love changeable? If so why did ours feel permanent?
I wondered if life was supposed to be this way, this permanent state of longing, for someone, for some sign of change, but nothing had changed, and nothing would. There was no way out of it. It just kept on going, like my love for you.
In the evening, you spooned me, my body arched into you as you embraced me, in that position we slept. I couldn't believe how much I slept, it was early when we turned in.
I had not anticipated to stay over. Yet with you it was never clear. You had a certain way about you. As I learned. It had been a long time since we first started seeing each other. There were things that frustrated me. There were things that I learned to live with. You were not an easy man to be with. You withdrew and became non responsive at times. It was as if you needed time to retreat from me to regain your love for me. I had always wanted to fall asleep with you when it rained. It took more than two years for it to happen. Last year at this time I had given up on you. Even when you invited me back, asked for me to be with you, I had doubts in you and my faith in you, in us. Each passing day our relationship evolved, eventually it became something unrecognizable. But I learned a lot about me. I learned that I wanted you because you wanted me. Your desire for me fueled my desire for you. It was illogical to fall in love with someone only because that someone loved you, yet in this case it felt right.
In the middle of the night I woke up to the lights in the hills. There was a tower lit up. It was the Coit Tower. I realized. I had never seen the lit up version. Once I had a boyfriend who lived not far from you, he and I often hiked up and down the Coit Tower. It was after you, the first time.
There were many things I did not know about you. When I asked I never got a response. Why did you not want to write anything back? Why did you know how much it hurts me when I did not hear from you, yet you did it often?
Yet, this dynamic of ours worked. In so many ways I knew it was not logical, but I knew why. It was simply that we formed a sub and dom relationship. I liked being submissive to you, even though exteriorly I was often the dominate one in life. It worked for us to be this way, somehow.
"Do you miss me?" I would ask.
"Yes, I do. When I miss you, I wish that you were here with me, doing things, being with me. I miss holding you." I wondered if that's how other people missed others.
"I miss you too. But when I miss you, my entire body hurts. It hollows me." I said. It was the truth, really, when I missed you, it was not about wanting to be with you at that moment, it was about feeling a sharp pain in my heart, and my eyes were often immediately welled with tears. When I was alone, I'd often weep. It was not voluntary reaction, I did not wish upon myself. It just happened. I never felt this way with anyone else.
That part I did not know if you understood. I fundamentally just wanted to please you. If you were unhappy with me, it made me sad. If I was unable to feel your presence, your love for me, it cut me through like a knife, and when I missed you, when I wish that I was in your arms instead of being alone, or being with others, it hurt like hell. I weathered it so many times, yet it never got any easier.
In varying positions I curled up next to you in the middle of the night. I took a lot of time finding just the right spot. Sometimes I stared at the ceiling. It was difficult to imagine what lied ahead.
Is being with you once in a while good enough? Perhaps yes. Because I couldn't foresee a future where you wanted anything more than this. And in this relationship dynamic, I did not care for being in control. I only wanted what you wanted. And I'd settle for good enough, for you.
Is love changeable? If so why did ours feel permanent?
I wondered if life was supposed to be this way, this permanent state of longing, for someone, for some sign of change, but nothing had changed, and nothing would. There was no way out of it. It just kept on going, like my love for you.
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