Went out for late night music in the Mission with a girlfriend. She asked what I did this weekend. It felt a bit of blank. I went to this sex party, though as an onlooker, gorgeous women and men, but I did not go home with any, came home to sleep alone in my big house, and it felt alright. It was not that I did not get propositioned. Attractive, seemingly normal man approached me as I was existing and wanted to strike a conversation. There was a chance that I'd be up for a threesome. Upstairs orgy was going on. Downstairs was purely for performance on stage and disco music.
Her gay friend wanted to come the next time with her and me. He wanted to find boys. She was not that interested. But she would go, if she was escorted. I did not know if I was interested in going with them, but I liked watching people having sex.
I went with a friend who was neither my lover nor my future anything. He was an nonentity. Ever since B and I had exchanged some serious talks I stopped fooling around. It was not that I couldn't. For instance, as I was driving home, alone, I got a text from a man I used to fuck, he wanted to get together either at my place or his, his wife was out of town and he had been on hot pursuit. I said no, but I knew that he would have been a perfect fuck buddy, great sex, no strings attached, always used protection, he was otherwise in a monogamous relationship. But I did not want that any more. It was as if he was a way of reminding me what I used to be like, before I decided to give my relationship with B an earnest try, and see if it would mean that we'd end up together or eventually split up. Thee was always men hovering around, but I did not care about them.
This was something that I learned about myself, once I knew what made me happy, I no longer desired the companion of men. I often did things on my own. After the girlfriend left, I continued to listen to local band, indie Balkan dance music, which I had always loved. I was perfect good on my own. Having been all around the world, many times on my own, I was exceptionally good at being on my own and never worrying about anything or anyone. I did not need a companion to feel comfortable in different settings. I also knew my likes and dislikes. I did not like dive bars with seedy people, I liked good music in cafes. I did not find being with women or men in a bar filled with cheap liquor and cheesy music interesting, like the Make Out Room, but I often went there because that was what my friends wanted to go. I preferred indi music venues. I was perfectly good on my own, without talking to anyone or talk lightly with some stranger. I did not feel left out.
Just like at the sex party. I was not having sex with anyone, and next to me a man pinned a woman to the wall, she had voluptuous body and he was fucking her from behind. Then he kneeled down and started to eat her out from behind. Another man had bended a girl over on a long skinny chair and he was fucking her. There was a huge orgy at the corner, some beautiful women had stripped down to nothing and started to work on each other and the men around them. It was like the 1970s porn shoot, but with much better looking people and much more natural.
People asked me why I liked watching people have sex, so voyeuristic, so vulgar even. I told them that I was an exhibitionist, I was abused as a child, I was a born nudist, I was a nymph, I was a sex addict. I loved sucking on a cock, having the guy to give me a facial, to come into my mouth, to fill me with jism, to spank me, to hurt me lightly, to shove me around, to fuck me as if he was raping me. I had lost my sensory boundary. I found watching people having sex mundane, even. I knew we were not born to be monogamous creatures, and having sex with a person did not mean that you loved the person - You simply needed to satisfy your urges. On the flip side, you could be deeply in love with a person but did not have sex with just that person.
But as I reflected on my path and my future, I also begin to think, as you progress in your relationship with your loved one, you must learn to stop whoring around, so that you could devote yourself to one person and one person only.
Part of me felt that I was maturing. Part of me felt that I was being so puritan. But all of me felt that I loved him, and that was what counted.
Her gay friend wanted to come the next time with her and me. He wanted to find boys. She was not that interested. But she would go, if she was escorted. I did not know if I was interested in going with them, but I liked watching people having sex.
I went with a friend who was neither my lover nor my future anything. He was an nonentity. Ever since B and I had exchanged some serious talks I stopped fooling around. It was not that I couldn't. For instance, as I was driving home, alone, I got a text from a man I used to fuck, he wanted to get together either at my place or his, his wife was out of town and he had been on hot pursuit. I said no, but I knew that he would have been a perfect fuck buddy, great sex, no strings attached, always used protection, he was otherwise in a monogamous relationship. But I did not want that any more. It was as if he was a way of reminding me what I used to be like, before I decided to give my relationship with B an earnest try, and see if it would mean that we'd end up together or eventually split up. Thee was always men hovering around, but I did not care about them.
This was something that I learned about myself, once I knew what made me happy, I no longer desired the companion of men. I often did things on my own. After the girlfriend left, I continued to listen to local band, indie Balkan dance music, which I had always loved. I was perfect good on my own. Having been all around the world, many times on my own, I was exceptionally good at being on my own and never worrying about anything or anyone. I did not need a companion to feel comfortable in different settings. I also knew my likes and dislikes. I did not like dive bars with seedy people, I liked good music in cafes. I did not find being with women or men in a bar filled with cheap liquor and cheesy music interesting, like the Make Out Room, but I often went there because that was what my friends wanted to go. I preferred indi music venues. I was perfectly good on my own, without talking to anyone or talk lightly with some stranger. I did not feel left out.
Just like at the sex party. I was not having sex with anyone, and next to me a man pinned a woman to the wall, she had voluptuous body and he was fucking her from behind. Then he kneeled down and started to eat her out from behind. Another man had bended a girl over on a long skinny chair and he was fucking her. There was a huge orgy at the corner, some beautiful women had stripped down to nothing and started to work on each other and the men around them. It was like the 1970s porn shoot, but with much better looking people and much more natural.
People asked me why I liked watching people have sex, so voyeuristic, so vulgar even. I told them that I was an exhibitionist, I was abused as a child, I was a born nudist, I was a nymph, I was a sex addict. I loved sucking on a cock, having the guy to give me a facial, to come into my mouth, to fill me with jism, to spank me, to hurt me lightly, to shove me around, to fuck me as if he was raping me. I had lost my sensory boundary. I found watching people having sex mundane, even. I knew we were not born to be monogamous creatures, and having sex with a person did not mean that you loved the person - You simply needed to satisfy your urges. On the flip side, you could be deeply in love with a person but did not have sex with just that person.
But as I reflected on my path and my future, I also begin to think, as you progress in your relationship with your loved one, you must learn to stop whoring around, so that you could devote yourself to one person and one person only.
Part of me felt that I was maturing. Part of me felt that I was being so puritan. But all of me felt that I loved him, and that was what counted.
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