I sat on the porch, make up free, in a beanie hat, in a long trench coat, in my comfortable flat boots, smoking a Dunhill cigarette. He snapped a photo of me. Side profile view. Then he showed it to me.
Earlier that evening, he got into the car and started to laugh. I had warned him that I'd be make up free, hair tied up in a bun. My long wet hair twisted and tied at the back of my head. My beanie hat and scarf wrapped around my head, my face and neck, and short dress exposing my calves and legs, until where the orange boots picked up the rest of the exposed skin.
In another word, I thought that I looked like a dork. He started to laugh and said, "I've never ever seen you make up free like this."
I got immediately upset, "Stop fucking look at me. Stop. I'm not going to work or going on a date. So leave me be."
He got defensive, "That's not at all why I laughed. I just have never seen you like it. You looked so cute. You look so much better without it. You are cute without make up. But you are like, you could be my friend. Not some made up chick going to work at some fancy job. I like it. You look great."
I could tell that he was staring at my profile view as I was driving and he was admiring me a little, in his really boyish way, he was also snapping photos and putting it in his keep sake.
"Soon I won't have you any more." He'd told me before but I did not want to feel the finale was upon us. I also did not feel that was entirely true. He was leaving but not that far.
"I'm going to miss you." He'd say over and over again. Initially I was all just being polite and strong and then finally I told him that I'd miss him too. He was like a best friend who is a male, who's bi or gay but who is not really someone I was ever physically involved with but was rather intimate in an emotional way. We were close once and we drifted apart, and sometimes we'd act like best friends, and other times I felt that we were million years away. But I needed him. Like I needed air. I just did not know how to tell him that without sounding like a weak person, a fool.
I finally told him that I had cried. I had not handled his departure well. He had not either, but he had a way to suppress his feelings. And I think he'd be okay, and he'd eventually be okay.
I already pictured a life without him in it. I would not be able to do all the things that I want to do. I would not have the person to go shopping with and talk about clothes with. I would not have him any longer.
I would be sad and lonely and I would feel that my affection was not needed anywhere, and I was not needed anywhere.
I was sitting on the porch and he was flickering cigarette with me.
"I like Gitanes, and Dunhill, but I liked Gitanes more, I think." One French, one British.
"Once, in between B, and while with B, I was seeing someone else. I was smoking a pack of cigarette with that guy, a young man, who loved Gitanes. He also liked face sitting. I'd have to sit on him for half an hour, or even more. He liked sucking on my toes and licking my ass. He was into all sorts of kinky stuff. I tell you, you think threesome with two guys are fun? No, it's a lot of work. As for facesitting, you can be on top of guy and he's eating you out, and after half an hour, you just want it to stop. It is so much work and it's nothing like what you see on porn." I was being very talkative that night.
He was laughing again. I was not sure if he was being uncomfortable or thought that my story was genuinely funny.
He told me stories of his past too. I was not that interested. But then I was not really interested in much about him other than he admired me and he kept me company on occasion.
There lies the dilemma. You can like someone, even become dependent of someone but you don't necessarily need them all the time. They are your safety net. The person to call when you are bored, tired or simply needed to vent. And no matter what happens you know that they are there for you.
I'm losing my safety net. He's losing his.
One day we both may cease to exist in each other's lives. One day this was just like it never happened.
One day would be fast approaching.
Like many things in life, things are never what it appears to be.
I'm sort of relieved and sad at the same time. But I know it's time.
Earlier that evening, he got into the car and started to laugh. I had warned him that I'd be make up free, hair tied up in a bun. My long wet hair twisted and tied at the back of my head. My beanie hat and scarf wrapped around my head, my face and neck, and short dress exposing my calves and legs, until where the orange boots picked up the rest of the exposed skin.
In another word, I thought that I looked like a dork. He started to laugh and said, "I've never ever seen you make up free like this."
I got immediately upset, "Stop fucking look at me. Stop. I'm not going to work or going on a date. So leave me be."
He got defensive, "That's not at all why I laughed. I just have never seen you like it. You looked so cute. You look so much better without it. You are cute without make up. But you are like, you could be my friend. Not some made up chick going to work at some fancy job. I like it. You look great."
I could tell that he was staring at my profile view as I was driving and he was admiring me a little, in his really boyish way, he was also snapping photos and putting it in his keep sake.
"Soon I won't have you any more." He'd told me before but I did not want to feel the finale was upon us. I also did not feel that was entirely true. He was leaving but not that far.
"I'm going to miss you." He'd say over and over again. Initially I was all just being polite and strong and then finally I told him that I'd miss him too. He was like a best friend who is a male, who's bi or gay but who is not really someone I was ever physically involved with but was rather intimate in an emotional way. We were close once and we drifted apart, and sometimes we'd act like best friends, and other times I felt that we were million years away. But I needed him. Like I needed air. I just did not know how to tell him that without sounding like a weak person, a fool.
I finally told him that I had cried. I had not handled his departure well. He had not either, but he had a way to suppress his feelings. And I think he'd be okay, and he'd eventually be okay.
I already pictured a life without him in it. I would not be able to do all the things that I want to do. I would not have the person to go shopping with and talk about clothes with. I would not have him any longer.
I would be sad and lonely and I would feel that my affection was not needed anywhere, and I was not needed anywhere.
I was sitting on the porch and he was flickering cigarette with me.
"I like Gitanes, and Dunhill, but I liked Gitanes more, I think." One French, one British.
"Once, in between B, and while with B, I was seeing someone else. I was smoking a pack of cigarette with that guy, a young man, who loved Gitanes. He also liked face sitting. I'd have to sit on him for half an hour, or even more. He liked sucking on my toes and licking my ass. He was into all sorts of kinky stuff. I tell you, you think threesome with two guys are fun? No, it's a lot of work. As for facesitting, you can be on top of guy and he's eating you out, and after half an hour, you just want it to stop. It is so much work and it's nothing like what you see on porn." I was being very talkative that night.
He was laughing again. I was not sure if he was being uncomfortable or thought that my story was genuinely funny.
He told me stories of his past too. I was not that interested. But then I was not really interested in much about him other than he admired me and he kept me company on occasion.
There lies the dilemma. You can like someone, even become dependent of someone but you don't necessarily need them all the time. They are your safety net. The person to call when you are bored, tired or simply needed to vent. And no matter what happens you know that they are there for you.
I'm losing my safety net. He's losing his.
One day we both may cease to exist in each other's lives. One day this was just like it never happened.
One day would be fast approaching.
Like many things in life, things are never what it appears to be.
I'm sort of relieved and sad at the same time. But I know it's time.
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