God forbid but I'm not dealing very well with A's pending departure. I found myself crying... a lot. I think it's because I have not fully examined my feelings towards him and maybe I think when he leaves I'll be sunk into a deep hole and I would have trouble dealing with B all over again.
He was the closest person to me for a while now. We talked all the time. We saw each other all the time. He cared deeply about me, even though he was a kid.
He was the one person who got me. He adored me and respected me. We took turns sharing our lives and he knew more than other men ever did about me.
We fought a lot. We cried a lot. We laughed a lot together. And I hated him for all of those little things he did I did not like.
But I loved him. In a nonsexual completely unexpected way I loved him. I loved him like he was part of me. Now he's going to be gone.
I want to see him and talk to him about how I really felt but I can't. I worry that I'll be a total mess. So I become a total bitch. I am trying to push him away even before he leaves.
I start to look at opportunities abroad. I want to leave here for good because he's leaving me. None of this was a rational behavior. I think if B decides to move away tomorrow I would feel resigned, perhaps even relieved because now he could finally leave me as I had asked him to let me go before, he was able to finally exit my life, and I could finally tell myself to stop loving him.
But with A, we never had a chance to resolve the dynamics, we instead just became close friends who occasionally did things and frequently talked. I am terrified of losing him, yet I know that I won't because we'd still be good friends.
I alternate feeling relieved and feeling upset about A's departure.
And I fear that seeing him will make me cry. So I make up excuses for not allowing myself to see him.
That's how it is, the one person who had finally cracked me, is leaving me. And the one person I don't want to exit out of my life, the only person, is leaving me.
I can't believe how much it hurts.
I also can't believe there are different types of love. This type of love, the kind that does not involve a physical component, really takes a toll on my soul.
I think I'll keep on crying, instead of telling him how I really feel.
He was the closest person to me for a while now. We talked all the time. We saw each other all the time. He cared deeply about me, even though he was a kid.
He was the one person who got me. He adored me and respected me. We took turns sharing our lives and he knew more than other men ever did about me.
We fought a lot. We cried a lot. We laughed a lot together. And I hated him for all of those little things he did I did not like.
But I loved him. In a nonsexual completely unexpected way I loved him. I loved him like he was part of me. Now he's going to be gone.
I want to see him and talk to him about how I really felt but I can't. I worry that I'll be a total mess. So I become a total bitch. I am trying to push him away even before he leaves.
I start to look at opportunities abroad. I want to leave here for good because he's leaving me. None of this was a rational behavior. I think if B decides to move away tomorrow I would feel resigned, perhaps even relieved because now he could finally leave me as I had asked him to let me go before, he was able to finally exit my life, and I could finally tell myself to stop loving him.
But with A, we never had a chance to resolve the dynamics, we instead just became close friends who occasionally did things and frequently talked. I am terrified of losing him, yet I know that I won't because we'd still be good friends.
I alternate feeling relieved and feeling upset about A's departure.
And I fear that seeing him will make me cry. So I make up excuses for not allowing myself to see him.
That's how it is, the one person who had finally cracked me, is leaving me. And the one person I don't want to exit out of my life, the only person, is leaving me.
I can't believe how much it hurts.
I also can't believe there are different types of love. This type of love, the kind that does not involve a physical component, really takes a toll on my soul.
I think I'll keep on crying, instead of telling him how I really feel.
No comments:
Post a Comment