It's possible that we can change our ways or our thinking. In the end it's not that we don't have the ability to change, it's that we are not often willing.
To see things another way is perhaps the biggest change that we need to make, and it must not be laced with doubt, sadness, fogginess and disillusions. We must be given a reason to love, to care, and to be hopefully of a brighter future.
I have been on this road for years. For two years I have been up and down with the same individual whom I have, beyond reasonable doubt, loved, with my heart, my soul, my physical being.
It does not need to be a rational thing. It needs not to be explained and analyzed. At the end of the day, I realize that I have never loved another being the same way. It is just as he has often said, "we belong together. We belong with each other."
I still do not know how to get there, to go from here to there. I think the prolonged uncertainty is created by him, but I do not believe that it is one directional either. Part of me cannot make a decision or try to rock the boat too much. We have obligations. We have family and children that we are answering to. We have careers, both his and mine, are on the rise. I love what I do. I believe that he loves his work. There are many circumstances that prevent us being together. I don't know if that will change in the short term.
But I know what I know, and that is I love him. It has not changed. It is not rational. It is a pure instinct. It makes me whole when I know that my love is reciprocated. I worry about many things. I worry that he does not love me any more. I worry that he would vaporize and leave me in this physical world, alone. But most importantly, I worry about losing the hope. Hope that one day we could be together, in a world where only he and I matter. I want to take care of him. I want to devote myself to taking care of him. That is nothing like I have ever imagined myself of doing, to anyone. Never. It is as if my world is incomplete until he has come along, and in that process, a two year long process, I feel just the same, I feel as if he is the reason I exist. I love my children and my family, but I crave him. I cannot live without him. My world is hollow without him. I have loved him and I am in love with him.
I don't know what lies ahead. I don't know what I don't know. I don't even know how long I could keep the faith. But I am proud of myself for not wanting to search any more. I don't want to be with anyone else, physically or emotionally. And now I wait. Wait is all that I can do. Until he makes the next move, or if he won't, until I lose my faith.
I found my harbor. He is my harbor. I just need to, somehow, sail far and steadfastly, until I can dock my boat at this harbor.
To see things another way is perhaps the biggest change that we need to make, and it must not be laced with doubt, sadness, fogginess and disillusions. We must be given a reason to love, to care, and to be hopefully of a brighter future.
I have been on this road for years. For two years I have been up and down with the same individual whom I have, beyond reasonable doubt, loved, with my heart, my soul, my physical being.
It does not need to be a rational thing. It needs not to be explained and analyzed. At the end of the day, I realize that I have never loved another being the same way. It is just as he has often said, "we belong together. We belong with each other."
I still do not know how to get there, to go from here to there. I think the prolonged uncertainty is created by him, but I do not believe that it is one directional either. Part of me cannot make a decision or try to rock the boat too much. We have obligations. We have family and children that we are answering to. We have careers, both his and mine, are on the rise. I love what I do. I believe that he loves his work. There are many circumstances that prevent us being together. I don't know if that will change in the short term.
But I know what I know, and that is I love him. It has not changed. It is not rational. It is a pure instinct. It makes me whole when I know that my love is reciprocated. I worry about many things. I worry that he does not love me any more. I worry that he would vaporize and leave me in this physical world, alone. But most importantly, I worry about losing the hope. Hope that one day we could be together, in a world where only he and I matter. I want to take care of him. I want to devote myself to taking care of him. That is nothing like I have ever imagined myself of doing, to anyone. Never. It is as if my world is incomplete until he has come along, and in that process, a two year long process, I feel just the same, I feel as if he is the reason I exist. I love my children and my family, but I crave him. I cannot live without him. My world is hollow without him. I have loved him and I am in love with him.
I don't know what lies ahead. I don't know what I don't know. I don't even know how long I could keep the faith. But I am proud of myself for not wanting to search any more. I don't want to be with anyone else, physically or emotionally. And now I wait. Wait is all that I can do. Until he makes the next move, or if he won't, until I lose my faith.
I found my harbor. He is my harbor. I just need to, somehow, sail far and steadfastly, until I can dock my boat at this harbor.
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