Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Shots

He took random shots of me.

He took photos and he looked at them. When I was not around.

I sometimes took photos of myself, and sent them to him.

He told me what he liked the most.

Photos I did not recall taking and then sending.

I asked him what were his favorite dates.

He said, "Of course the boat, the Palomar, those were really great. Everything was great."

He would say that I did not recall spending a lot of time together.

I told him "For me, it was the first Christmas we spent together." He asked why the next day.

"Because you tied me up." He used to like to tie me up and fuck me.

It was not the first time he tied me up, that Christmas, but it was the candles. He lit candles that night. We exchanged presents like two people, a real couple. We spent an evening together like a real couple. I had missed him terribly. I was away, he was away. I wanted nothing more in this world to be with him. And that evening was one such evening.

When we first went out, as we did still recently, we rarely made it out of the door. With him, I couldn't eat anyway. I just simply wanted to be stripped naked and have my body against his, in bed.

I promised that we'd do things like two ordinary, non physical people do one day, when we were bored of one another, we'd resort to spending time eating, talking, and staring at the clock and wishing the evening was over.

On that particular Christmas evening he took photos of me, videotyped us and sent the video to me.

"Sometimes I don't know what to do with you." He'd tell me.

"Because you are content with your situation and not wanting to change yours. Neither do I?" I had an answer ready.

"You are right. We are in similar boat."

Children to raise. A life that was not just ours, and ours alone.

Children needed us. They also needed the other parent. We were just fifty percent of the equation. We were not each other's other fifty percent, it was never going to change.

But at what point did we decide that we needed to tend our own garden and be with the person we truly meant to be with?

Did we just talk into staying status quo because we couldn't afford to rock the boat?

In the evening when he slept with me, draping himself onto me, I felt it was the most comfortable, the most natural thing. I did not want to be with anyone else. I could rest my head on his chest and feel safe and sound. I had not been doing it for years until he came along. I had not done that again with anyone else.

I wanted a world where he was the only thing in my frame.

I wanted a world where a photo of the two of us would not generate any controversy.

I wanted a world where I was his, and his alone, and I was to to be freely taken by him, anytime, whichever way he liked.


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